You being not good enough is something you decided, not something he ever told you. And that doesn't discount that that is how he made you feel. But, that doesn't make it, true. We professionals try to err on the side of, go into these sessions completely blind and objective, but, your father is famous. In more ways than one, but that's not what I mean. Try, if you can, to imagine the life he leads, what might have been happening around the time he erased everything. Why. Before that, with his brother "leaving." ( She uses quotations. ) Maybe, everything Dean's done isn't about you. And, I would put money on him thinking he was doing it for you. Which, ( she points her pen again. )wouldn't make erasing your memories or taking your agency away, okay. Have you always felt like there was something about you that wasn't "enough?"
[Yeah, he knows, Dean's a big damn hero. He's starting to get a little sick of hearing it, if he's honest.]
It's really frustrating that people keep going back to that. How crazy Dean's life was and how he thought he was doing the right thing as though that's supposed to make it all better. It doesn't. Not for me.
[But her last point does hit close to home, whether he wants it to or not. Not enough is something he can't seem to escape.]
Okay, let's put a pin in Dean for a second, and let's unpack that. Can you draw a straight line or remember the first time you felt you weren't good enough? Try to, without the context of your dad.
( She will get back to everything Dean and refocus on Ben. She wasn't defending him, but trying to put things into perspective. )
[He pauses as he tries to figure out how to articulate this in a way that makes sense.]
Friendships are fine. I have my closest friends and I get along well with people, so those needs are being met. But other relationships it feels a lot more ... transactional. Like I'm worth spending time with until something better comes along. Happens with one person, you don't think much of it. When it happens with multiple people you start to see it as more of a pattern.
Ben, I'm a little discouraged here. I've heard you describe yourself as not enough, left behind, a dead-end...
( She stands up from her chair, moving around her desk to lean against it. )
Being a mechanic is learning a vocation. It's useful. And it actually opens doors. I know it doesn't make the best living, but it's good work. People need their cars. And not everyone can work on those cars.
[He's never been upset about his job, and for his level of experience, he actually makes a decent living. A living that he's earned, for better or worse.]
It just doesn't always seem like that translates for other people. Or maybe I'm just picking the wrong ones, I don't know. But it seems like everyone is more interested in a good time than something long term.
No, not those words exactly. It's more implied. Though one guy straight up admitted that he was killing time until the person that "fit the lifestyle he had in mind for his future."
[He winces.]
I may have done something really messy about that one.
Well, that is harsh, but you see how any of that is more about them, than you, if you're fulfilled with your lifestyle choices. ( quickly, she adds ) As in, choice of job, not - man or woman. ...How messy.
And presumably didn't lead to anything starcossed or stars in either of your eyes. But, revenge-aside, it was consenting. I don't see that as messy.
( She nods, though, picking her pad back up. )
We have a little bit of time left, so, I want to end the session by asking something. You have friends and they're fine. A mom, a stepdad? ( She flips back, yep. ) And, now your dad. But nothing about finding your dad has given you the answers you've been seeking. And it just happened and we're just starting, so I just want to ask, what predominantly is at the forefront of your mind right now. Have you taken anything from this first session.
[He'd be lying if he said a name didn't come to mind. But his gut tells him that things won't work there, not if they try to make things more than they are.]
Okay. Well, Ben, I think we have a solid foundation here to continue the work. But, it's up to you to book your next appointment. So, I want you to sit in this and give it a real think. And, if you want to schedule another session, well, you have my answering service.
( And very nice secretary. )
And if you have any questions or musings off the top of your head, I'd love to hear them.
[He considers for a moment, before shaking his head.]
No, I think that was good for a first session. And thanks, for taking me on. I don't know if you live out here or if this is convenient at all but I appreciate the effort.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
praevaricatio) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
everyonelives2025-10-11 07:15 am
no subject
no subject
It's really frustrating that people keep going back to that. How crazy Dean's life was and how he thought he was doing the right thing as though that's supposed to make it all better. It doesn't. Not for me.
[But her last point does hit close to home, whether he wants it to or not. Not enough is something he can't seem to escape.]
Let's call it a recurring theme.
no subject
( She will get back to everything Dean and refocus on Ben. She wasn't defending him, but trying to put things into perspective. )
no subject
[He pauses as he tries to figure out how to articulate this in a way that makes sense.]
Friendships are fine. I have my closest friends and I get along well with people, so those needs are being met. But other relationships it feels a lot more ... transactional. Like I'm worth spending time with until something better comes along. Happens with one person, you don't think much of it. When it happens with multiple people you start to see it as more of a pattern.
no subject
( She just wants to make sure. )
no subject
I mean, it's not like I'm some kind of big shot. I fix cars. I know in a lot of ways I probably seem like a dead end.
[A pause.]
Professionally sometimes too. Not other mechanics, necessarily, but other people.
no subject
( She stands up from her chair, moving around her desk to lean against it. )
Being a mechanic is learning a vocation. It's useful. And it actually opens doors. I know it doesn't make the best living, but it's good work. People need their cars. And not everyone can work on those cars.
no subject
[He's never been upset about his job, and for his level of experience, he actually makes a decent living. A living that he's earned, for better or worse.]
It just doesn't always seem like that translates for other people. Or maybe I'm just picking the wrong ones, I don't know. But it seems like everyone is more interested in a good time than something long term.
no subject
( Is he hearing this or is he interpreting this. He has so many thoughts about Dean, she has to ask. )
no subject
[He winces.]
I may have done something really messy about that one.
no subject
no subject
[He holds up his hands.]
She was completely aware of it and it turns out she hated him, so that was kind of fun to bond over.
no subject
( She nods, though, picking her pad back up. )
We have a little bit of time left, so, I want to end the session by asking something. You have friends and they're fine. A mom, a stepdad? ( She flips back, yep. ) And, now your dad. But nothing about finding your dad has given you the answers you've been seeking. And it just happened and we're just starting, so I just want to ask, what predominantly is at the forefront of your mind right now. Have you taken anything from this first session.
no subject
[He looks off at one of the shelves over her shoulder as he tries to put that into better words.]
That's normal, though, right? Especially if you haven't been in therapy in a while.
no subject
( She just wants that to sink in. )
Is there anyone you thought you might have a future with? Any could have beens?
no subject
A couple. But they're long gone.
no subject
( And very nice secretary. )
And if you have any questions or musings off the top of your head, I'd love to hear them.
no subject
No, I think that was good for a first session. And thanks, for taking me on. I don't know if you live out here or if this is convenient at all but I appreciate the effort.
no subject
( But, she'll stand and meet him, giving him a handshake. )
It was really nice meeting you in person, Ben.
no subject
[He shakes her hand and with that, he turns and heads back into his life. But he does think he will be making another appointment.]