for the rest of us death will be a relief

[praevaricatio]

Comments

[unforgivably]

I didn't know I was. I didn't realize it. I was just working. Stefan was off. Lockwood was at the Armory. Alaric has his kids and the school. Life moves on.

( He thinks through it, back to that time, those years. Lydia coming into his orbit. Then Melanie. )

I don't know. I didn't try like last time. I didn't push. I didn't woo. She was - in school and that was out of state. And I bought the Mystic Grille.

[bravebartender]

[She nods slowly as she processes trying to hear what he's saying.]

Were you seeing other people?

[Just a question, not a judgement.]

[unforgivably]

No one special. Not dating, no. Women passed through. I wasn't looking.

( He thinks harder. )

I don't know, Cami. Elena was everything and we didn't work. So, what else was out there. She wasn't dating, either.

[bravebartender]

[She nods, and while she would prefer this doesn't become a comparison between the two of them, they can go back to that later.]

I haven't been a vampire as long as you have, but there's this thing I've noticed, at least for me. I feel like ... when I stopped changing physically, I found it harder to give myself reason to change personally. Like I could change my hair or my style, but I still looked like I did when I was turned at twenty-five. It feels like maybe it's a lot easier to get stuck.

[Does that resonate? Does he feel like he keeps falling into the same patterns?]

[unforgivably]

I never felt stuck. I've never felt stuck. I lived my life. I live my life. But, life revolved around Elena for the both of us. For years. Even when I lied to myself about. Even when I compelled the truth away. Since 2009, my life has revolved around Elena Gilbert. First, it was getting under her skin, much to the chagrin of my brother, then, getting her help with Katherine, and then genuinely helping her. And caring. We became friends. And then she was what everyone was after. The tomb vampires. Katherine. Klaus. And then Stefan went off the rails and I had to look out for her. For him. And then she died. And then she was sire-bound to me and I pushed hard. We were all in a search for the cure for different reasons, but Stefan and me, we wanted Elena to have it. She never wanted to be a vampire. It was my blood in her system.

[bravebartender]

She broke up with you over a decade ago, Damon.

[As much a all that information is, everything he's been through, that doesn't change the facts.]

And it feels like you're still using her to justify all your decisions. That doesn't sound stuck to you?

[unforgivably]

I'm not using her to justify my decisions, but I was, for a long time, stuck on her, even when things were bad. Even when I shouldn't be. That's not easy to break, Cami. But, I'm trying. I'm here. And I don't love her anymore, for the record.

( Which he's never said out loud and it takes the wind out of his righteous sails. )

[bravebartender]

That's good. And I'm not discounting you trying.

[She pauses before trying to figure out how to approach this.]

I know that Elena is going to be a factor in a lot of things. But I think setting a good baseline here, I'd like it if we tried to focus on the things that you're feeling, and not using Elena - or any partner for that matter - as a basis for comparison. "I didn't do this but Elena wasn't doing it either" doesn't actually help get to the root of what you're actually feeling and the real whys of things. Does that make sense?

[unforgivably]

Yes, but I want it made clear, I'm not trying to use her to justify anything, just admitting to, myself, and God that for a long time she informed most of my decisions.

( He holds a hand up. )

But, that doesn't make them any less mind. And I'm not using her as an excuse.

[bravebartender]

Okay. Just making sure we're starting on the same page.

[Cami leans back in her seat.]

I think there's a lot we have to talk about. But I also think you've been through a lot, not just in your relationship with Elena. And asking for help is the first step.

[With that she concludes their first session, setting up a weekly cadence for now. Which is why she's surprised when a couple days later, he calls her and schedules a very last minute session. She settles across from him and picks up her notes.]

Is everything okay? You sounded a little ... frayed on the phone.

[unforgivably]

( He knows there's no real answer coming in the next forty-five minutes, but he's not suddenly coming face to face with Elena extra early. He wanted to be healed and whole and maybe in a hot new thing he could lightly flaunt in her face, not with children.

Damon doesn't sit, preferring to pace away as she settles herself. Turning back, he just lets it rip. )

You're not in the giant networking chat for all things supernatural William set up after hunter-witch-gate, are you?

( She'd know, then. Maybe it's not letting it rip. But, context is everything. Maybe if she knows people are appearing everywhere, she won't look at him crazy. Kind of like he's looking at himself. )

[bravebartender]

[She shakes her head.]

My cousin mentioned there was something going on, but I try to stay out of it.

[It keeps Klaus' blood pressure low if she doesn't run off into trouble when his back was turned.]

He seemed to imply it was something ... out there, though.

[unforgivably]

It's The Sixth Sense's pointless sequel. Everyone is seeing dead people. Dead people are back. And not just dead people, people that don't exist. In this world. ( He purses his lips. ) And in that case, that's not back, as much as... crossed over. As in, Elena and my's kids from another universe. Crossed over. And are currently at my best friend's apartment being witch-evaluated, poked, prodded, and questioned.

[bravebartender]

[She blinks. And then she blinks again because you hear a lot of things when you're a therapist for the supernatural, but you don't often hear things like that.]

Your and Elena's ... alternate universe children. Are here. In this universe.

[Cami leans back in her seat with a sigh.]

You really do hear something new every day.

[And back to business:]

That is a huge complication. How are you handling it?

[unforgivably]

At Lindsay's. Yes. With a grifter vampire.

( He likes Sophie, though. In another life. )

I'm handling it. I'm trying to get them answers. I called Elena. We're... all going up to Mystic Falls for Christmas. To... further evaluate them and all the other returned people. I'm fielding late night questions about the differences in our worlds. I'm handling it.

[bravebartender]

Sophie's great. They're in good hands.

[But that's not what they're here to talk about. She changes the question just slightly.]

And how are you feeling about it?

[unforgivably]

I... ( he looks down at his clasped hands. his fingers stretch out as he thinks. he is feeling... thrown. confused. like he has a tether to elena he never asked for while he was making real strides, finally, to pull away from her. like this complicates his new romance.

rubbing his hands, he sits back and kicks a foot up on the table. )

I am feeling like I don't hate that they're here. Like I have two children that I can get to know. That don't know every deep dark secret I have. That... never asked for this and feel out of place and at least they found me. At least I... get to be. I know, I'm not the father they know. I'm... DNA. I'm a name. Great hair. But, actually. Maybe. Maybe I'm their dad. And I don't hate it. I don't. Maybe I should. But. I care about them. 24 hours in. I care.

[bravebartender]

Why should you hate it?

[She tips her head to the side, curious that that was his line of thought.]

[unforgivably]

That's what she's acting like, Stephanie. Like, they dropped on my doorstep and I never asked for them. I know what she thinks when she sees me. I know what everyone thinks when they see me. I know my reputation.

( He just does. Even if his reputation is more shades of gray, even if his brother gets down in the blood and the muck as much as he does. )

[bravebartender]

[Cami nods slowly.]

Is it your reputation, or is it a coping mechanism?

[It seems like a very short period of time for one, Stephanie to know much about her father's reputation in this world or two, assume that Damon hates her.]

It could be her pre-emptively trying to protect herself from the fact that you aren't the father you're familiar with, so she can't really predict how you'll react to things.

[unforgivably]

Then keep me at arm's length. I really don't blame her.

( None of this is on her or her brother. )

[bravebartender]

[She shakes her head.]

Neither can I. But from what you're saying, it sounds like that may not be what you want?

[unforgivably]

I want them safe. And happy. I want them to have answers and to reunite with their actual parents. Because despite her tantrums, she deserves to have her dad.

( Any version, but they've covered that... he probably doesn't count. )

[bravebartender]

[Cami nods slowly.]

And you don't want to get to know them at all?

[unforgivably]

That's what you got out of that? No, I do. I do want to get to know them, but I'm not going to force them to get to know me. If they need me, want me, ask me things, need help - I'm providing. But, if they don't, if they get what I can give them or just enough. Who am I to push?

( Her father, technically. )