[Ben had a lot of preconceived notions about what this party would be, and none of them have fit what this party actually was. He’s not used to a Dean who has people. The Dean he knew, way back when, came to them because he had nowhere else to go. But it seems like whatever Dean has been through in the intervening years, he has a good crew of people around him now.
It really only solidifies the conversation he knows they need to have. Part of him wishes that this didn’t have to be at Christmas, but he also knows it can’t wait. He also hopes that if he does this right—jury’s out on if he’ll nail that—it won’t go as badly as he thinks it will.
He wait until Dean steps out of the house for some air and he follows, holding the same beer that he’s been nursing all night and closes the door behind him. He takes a deep breath of the cool night air before speaking up.]
( Dean's had his animated conversations, his moments away from everyone, his chowing down and generally played cohost to his girlfriend and Tyler Lockwood's mom. But, it's exhausting being on, so at a certain point, he ducks out back onto the expansive property. The moon glistens off the lake. The party still goes full force behind him.
It's a damn idyllic scene, though.
As far as parties go, this one's up there.
He looks back, holding his own fresh beer and indicates he can join him on the lawn. )
[He's sure if he wanted some trivia he could go get it out of Carol. No, he's here to talk about them.]
I wanted to talk to you about something. I need you to kind of ... take this with an open mind. I'm not trying to critique you. I'm just talking about my feelings, okay?
( Shit. Okay. He does his best not to brace himself. This is open communication. He takes constructive criticism, doesn't he? (No. Not well.) But this feels different. He sets aside the pit in his stomach. All he can do is hear the kid out. His kid out. )
[Ben nods and takes a deep breath before starting at the beginning.]
I've been thinking a lot at why it bothered me that you kept feeling like you had to apologize for leaving. And then I was thinking a lot about how things went last time and some of the things I did to get you to come home. And I was wondering if a part of it may have been coming from that?
[He takes a deep breath because he's getting it wrong.]
I'm not saying you apologizing was bad I'm just - I don't want us to be in a place where you feel like you have to. Where you feel like you're choosing between me and Elena or me and Sam or me and ... any of these people that you care about. I know I wanted to be a priority when I was a kid, but ... I don't need that as much now.
[He's an adult. He doesn't need him all the time.]
And clearly Elena is dangerous if she's left to her own devices for too long.
[That's a joke. But it's also evidenced by her running around being the Christmas fairy.]
I don't think all or nothing is going to work. Not this time. So I have an idea, if you're open to it.
( Oh. Shit. His son is being a man right now. That's the definition of what's happening. All of a sudden, Dean wells up with pride. His downturned expression flips, impressed. Is this being a parent, this pride in who your son is?
He laughs at the last part about Elena. )
Never let her make chili.
( He trades a joke for a joke. He keeps back all the adoration and pride swelling up. )
We just set time. Once a week, that's for us to talk or hang or whatever. If you're in town, we can get a beer or watch a game, but if you're not we can FaceTime or talk on the phone. That way we're still connecting but it doesn't matter where you are.
[That way they're still talking. And that'll at least put them in a better place than they were before.]
And it doesn't mean that like ... once a week is the only time we talk, but we know we have at least that? And also if you know you can't make it because you have a job or whatever, it's fine as long as you let me know. But does that sound okay?
[And now that he got that out he deflates some. Those were all the words he had been pouring over for days and now that it's done, it's almost as though he's got nothing else.]
... Cool.
[He can't tell if he was expecting more of a fight or a negotiation, but now it feels slightly anticlimactic that he was so stressed about it.]
( He taps his beer against his son's. Because, that didn't feel as anticlimactic to him, but he can tell it weighed Ben down. He brings the beer to his lips and smiles to himself. )
Real, real proud of you.
( He follows that up with a small swig from his beer. He thinks it's still early for other declarations, like whatever he's feeling. Is that love? He's never had that. Never been a parent. Love for Dean is sometimes twisted or extreme. He knows what he'd do for Sam again and again. And now, Ben.
[Ben isn't really sure what there is to be proud of, but he'll take it. It still feels good to hear him say it. He nods, and is about ready to just enjoy the silence when footsteps sound on the patio behind them.]
Hey. Just the guys I'm looking for.
[Her hands are empty, probably for the first time tonight, and Ben raises an eyebrow. "You already ambushed me with Christmas magic. No doubling up."
She smirks.]
Don't worry. You're not my target of attack this time.
( "I love you," goes unsaid because he doesn't know where to start with it. If this is what it feels like. He's distracted by the impending gift, though, and follows Elena around the house. )
You realize once I come up for air, there will be a gift coming.
You did come save me from certain death. That counts as a gift, in my opinion.
[But she also will not say no to things. One of her love languages is gift giving (the other is self-sacrifice) so she does enjoy being given gifts in return.]
But I will look forward to it regardless.
[When they reach the car, she will open the driver's side door and gesture for him to get inside.]
[She does, and then she makes her way around the other side and slides into the passenger's side. She reaches into the footwell and picking up a wrapped box he size of a shoebox, that she then passes over to him.]
Merry Christmas.
[Inside the wrapped box, is a series of cassette tapes, all of Dean's personal favorites - or at least marked as such. She found a lot of the ones she was looking for on eBay but there was some she couldn't, so she recorded them onto blank tapes from her phone.]
I know they wear out, so I asked Sam if there were any that you hadn't had the chance to replace yet. He gave me a list.
[And she will then tap the last one on the end. This is another one the blank tapes, but it's not marked with anything that gives away what songs are on it.]
And then I was left to my own devices, so I also made you a mixtape.
( After a disappointing and embarrassing afternoon, he's turned things around enough at the party. He's opened up a new avenue, had a few beers, and met people in person and over message. The one person he wants to revel in this and wants to support he hasn't been able to. He also hasn't come up with a sleeping solution for tonight. He's been preoccupied and distracted. Ben has his own agenda. He's here for him if their paths cross again.
Coincidentally, Dickerson is the only one in the room when Ben comes in from the patio door.
He's finishing up a phone call as he looks up. Oh. )
Yeah, it's a good party. Few beers. He's around here somewhere. Yeah. Merry Christmas, Dad. Bye.
[Having gotten the conversation with Dean out of the way, he feels lighter, but when he walks in and sees Dickerson, some of that heaviness returns. He hasn't had days to overturn this conversation in his head, even though he knows it needs to happen. They can't go home, or spend hours in the car with his parents without resolving some of this.
He just doesn't know how sure he is of what he wants.
So instead he just clears his throat, and settles for something neutral.]
[Surprisingly, it was the spontaneous one they had earlier, not the one they just had that was actually more helpful in them starting to get each other, and maybe he should take that as a portend for things to come, but for right now, he's just trying to untie the knot of his feelings to know what to say.]
Gonna try some things that don't need him to be around all the time but still allow us to spend time.
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party | dean, ben + special guests later
[Ben had a lot of preconceived notions about what this party would be, and none of them have fit what this party actually was. He’s not used to a Dean who has people. The Dean he knew, way back when, came to them because he had nowhere else to go. But it seems like whatever Dean has been through in the intervening years, he has a good crew of people around him now.
It really only solidifies the conversation he knows they need to have. Part of him wishes that this didn’t have to be at Christmas, but he also knows it can’t wait. He also hopes that if he does this right—jury’s out on if he’ll nail that—it won’t go as badly as he thinks it will.
He wait until Dean steps out of the house for some air and he follows, holding the same beer that he’s been nursing all night and closes the door behind him. He takes a deep breath of the cool night air before speaking up.]
Hey. Got a sec?
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It's a damn idyllic scene, though.
As far as parties go, this one's up there.
He looks back, holding his own fresh beer and indicates he can join him on the lawn. )
Hey. For you. As many as you need.
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I still can't believe that all of this is someone's house.
[They could probably fit five of the houses he grew up in across the lawn alone.
Also is he stalling? Maybe he might be stalling a little.]
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( Until then and now, that is. )
I don't know any Lockwood trivia, though, if that's what you're looking for.
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[He's sure if he wanted some trivia he could go get it out of Carol. No, he's here to talk about them.]
I wanted to talk to you about something. I need you to kind of ... take this with an open mind. I'm not trying to critique you. I'm just talking about my feelings, okay?
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Okay.
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I've been thinking a lot at why it bothered me that you kept feeling like you had to apologize for leaving. And then I was thinking a lot about how things went last time and some of the things I did to get you to come home. And I was wondering if a part of it may have been coming from that?
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( It was hard all around, and maybe especially on Dean and his mom, but he recognizes it wasn't easy on Ben. )
We had the talk. You called when it counted.
( After the false alarm. )
I stopped, though. My wall of apologies. I can't take any of it back. I can only do better now. Took me a minute for that to settle.
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[He takes a deep breath because he's getting it wrong.]
I'm not saying you apologizing was bad I'm just - I don't want us to be in a place where you feel like you have to. Where you feel like you're choosing between me and Elena or me and Sam or me and ... any of these people that you care about. I know I wanted to be a priority when I was a kid, but ... I don't need that as much now.
[He's an adult. He doesn't need him all the time.]
And clearly Elena is dangerous if she's left to her own devices for too long.
[That's a joke. But it's also evidenced by her running around being the Christmas fairy.]
I don't think all or nothing is going to work. Not this time. So I have an idea, if you're open to it.
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He laughs at the last part about Elena. )
Never let her make chili.
( He trades a joke for a joke. He keeps back all the adoration and pride swelling up. )
Go for it.
( He really wants to hear it. )
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[That way they're still talking. And that'll at least put them in a better place than they were before.]
And it doesn't mean that like ... once a week is the only time we talk, but we know we have at least that? And also if you know you can't make it because you have a job or whatever, it's fine as long as you let me know. But does that sound okay?
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( He can definitely go with that. It's a great damn idea. )
You can. Call me or text me any time. I can't answer, I just won't. And I promise, a job comes up or something else. You'll know.
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[And now that he got that out he deflates some. Those were all the words he had been pouring over for days and now that it's done, it's almost as though he's got nothing else.]
... Cool.
[He can't tell if he was expecting more of a fight or a negotiation, but now it feels slightly anticlimactic that he was so stressed about it.]
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( He taps his beer against his son's. Because, that didn't feel as anticlimactic to him, but he can tell it weighed Ben down. He brings the beer to his lips and smiles to himself. )
Real, real proud of you.
( He follows that up with a small swig from his beer. He thinks it's still early for other declarations, like whatever he's feeling. Is that love? He's never had that. Never been a parent. Love for Dean is sometimes twisted or extreme. He knows what he'd do for Sam again and again. And now, Ben.
He'd give it all up. But, he doesn't say that. )
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Hey. Just the guys I'm looking for.
[Her hands are empty, probably for the first time tonight, and Ben raises an eyebrow. "You already ambushed me with Christmas magic. No doubling up."
She smirks.]
Don't worry. You're not my target of attack this time.
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( He's missing this was a gift ambush, so he may need to have the record set straight. )
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[Though that was some good magic, in her heavily biased opinion.]
You're my last gift to deliver. And it's in the car because it's for the car. Do you mind if I borrow him really quick?
[That question is more directed towards Ben and he nods. "Yeah, go. We're good."]
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( "I love you," goes unsaid because he doesn't know where to start with it. If this is what it feels like. He's distracted by the impending gift, though, and follows Elena around the house. )
You realize once I come up for air, there will be a gift coming.
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[But she also will not say no to things. One of her love languages is gift giving (the other is self-sacrifice) so she does enjoy being given gifts in return.]
But I will look forward to it regardless.
[When they reach the car, she will open the driver's side door and gesture for him to get inside.]
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( Or, again. Something else. Something that can be touched or enjoyed. Life is so abstract. And, sometimes, isn't enjoyed.
He gives her a look, but does as asked, putting all arms and legs inside the vehicle. She's going to close it behind him, obviously. )
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Merry Christmas.
[Inside the wrapped box, is a series of cassette tapes, all of Dean's personal favorites - or at least marked as such. She found a lot of the ones she was looking for on eBay but there was some she couldn't, so she recorded them onto blank tapes from her phone.]
I know they wear out, so I asked Sam if there were any that you hadn't had the chance to replace yet. He gave me a list.
[And she will then tap the last one on the end. This is another one the blank tapes, but it's not marked with anything that gives away what songs are on it.]
And then I was left to my own devices, so I also made you a mixtape.
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🎀
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Coincidentally, Dickerson is the only one in the room when Ben comes in from the patio door.
He's finishing up a phone call as he looks up. Oh. )
Yeah, it's a good party. Few beers. He's around here somewhere. Yeah. Merry Christmas, Dad. Bye.
( He brings his phone down, ending the call. )
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He just doesn't know how sure he is of what he wants.
So instead he just clears his throat, and settles for something neutral.]
How's your dad?
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( Dickerson isn't friends with any regulars, but he knows who they are. Doesn't stop his dad from naming them like he could pick em out of the crowd.
He watches Dean and Elena head out the other way, away from where Ben had come from )
How's yours?
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[Surprisingly, it was the spontaneous one they had earlier, not the one they just had that was actually more helpful in them starting to get each other, and maybe he should take that as a portend for things to come, but for right now, he's just trying to untie the knot of his feelings to know what to say.]
Gonna try some things that don't need him to be around all the time but still allow us to spend time.
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