Okay. I'm guessing this isn't the part that's going to fuck up my day?
( She lifts her coffee in her hands and settles back. Gaining those memories back, it isn't a night she relives. She remembers their year together. Dean saving Ben. Dean pushing Ben. She remembers trying to move on. She remembers feeling like she was in a vacuum, someone else using her voice, a knife shoved in her stomach. Being exorcised and drifting in and out of consciousnes.
[Ben cups his hands around the cup and tries to put it together in ways that make sense.]
The ... It made you say a lot of stuff that day. And I know he said they lie and I know it probably wasn't true. At least not all the time. I know I can be a shit sometimes.
[He sets his jaw, and puts the coffee cup down.]
I need you to tell me that it wasn't true. Or ... at least that it's not true now.
( She knew it. She should have said it right away, that she'd never say something like that, but, she didn't know what was coming. There's everything under the bridge between them and Dean, and a year and -- more. She still remembers the night Dean came to her door. Broken. Needing somewhere. Fulfilling what Sam wanted.
She sets her coffee aside and holds her hands out. Once he takes them. She squeezes. Hard. She leans forward. )
I wouldn't trade anything for you. You weren't a mistake. And, other than - you know I'm pro-choice and we've had discussions like these - ( she's a feminist, and he needs to know what his options are ) other than, having the choice, it never was a choice, Ben. Not for me. I have never once regretted having you. I don't care about the bad days or the days you make me want to shake you just a little bit because I love you because it's your life, Ben. And when you were nine and eleven and every other age, I was your mother. That was my job. You were a teenager. I was a teenager. Hell, my twenties? ( Duh. ) I'm your mother. I always will be. No matter what any demon says and if I could, after everything, I'd tell you exactly that. Maybe just a little edited. Honey, have you been carrying this?
[Some tension releases as she speaks - not that he doubted her answer but hearing it will hopefully calm the squirrels in his brain for a little bit longer. He squeezes her hands in return before nodding.]
I was so scared you were going to die and that was going to be the last thing I ever heard you say.
That wasn't me. I am so, so sorry that happened to us.
( she is. more than he knows. )
Dean and me, as much as we wanted to be together, the minute he left with his brother, I knew it was over. I don't... think I ever told you that. Not soon enough, anyway. So, I'm sorry for leaving you that hope. For not... giving him a chance.
Ben. ( She takes a second, to try and form her words right. ) He was in it for everything. He loved you. He worried about you. He asked about you. You called and he picked up the phone right away. Right? Came running back when you cried wolf. Came after us with the full force of - apparently, an angel, his brother...
[But Ben could feel the distance all the same. He could feel the gulf of a difference from someone doing his due diligence to someone who could come back, whatever those reasons may be.]
But even if he didn't erase the memories, he wasn't coming back. I could feel it, I was just doing everything I could to try and stop it. And maybe if I hadn't things could have been different.
Well, for what it's worth, I think it's a healthy decision. Will you have to use metaphors?
( She's not sure how that might work, even with Dr./Patient confidentiality. )
When the time came, Dean trusted you. I don't remember all of it. I was pretty out of it, but, I remember you holding your own. You took to the shotgun a lot quicker than I... sorry. I've been replaying it, too.
[Ben takes a deep breath and nods, before deciding to shove the rest of the topic away for now.]
I told him I'd be okay with meeting his mom. Seemed like a good middle ground when I don't know how to feel. So if you want to meet her too, I can let you know when she's here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
somanyadjectives) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
everyonelives2025-07-26 07:05 pm
no subject
( She lifts her coffee in her hands and settles back. Gaining those memories back, it isn't a night she relives. She remembers their year together. Dean saving Ben. Dean pushing Ben. She remembers trying to move on. She remembers feeling like she was in a vacuum, someone else using her voice, a knife shoved in her stomach. Being exorcised and drifting in and out of consciousnes.
She remembers that day. )
What about it?
no subject
The ... It made you say a lot of stuff that day. And I know he said they lie and I know it probably wasn't true. At least not all the time. I know I can be a shit sometimes.
[He sets his jaw, and puts the coffee cup down.]
I need you to tell me that it wasn't true. Or ... at least that it's not true now.
no subject
She sets her coffee aside and holds her hands out. Once he takes them. She squeezes. Hard. She leans forward. )
I wouldn't trade anything for you. You weren't a mistake. And, other than - you know I'm pro-choice and we've had discussions like these - ( she's a feminist, and he needs to know what his options are ) other than, having the choice, it never was a choice, Ben. Not for me. I have never once regretted having you. I don't care about the bad days or the days you make me want to shake you just a little bit because I love you because it's your life, Ben. And when you were nine and eleven and every other age, I was your mother. That was my job. You were a teenager. I was a teenager. Hell, my twenties? ( Duh. ) I'm your mother. I always will be. No matter what any demon says and if I could, after everything, I'd tell you exactly that. Maybe just a little edited. Honey, have you been carrying this?
no subject
I was so scared you were going to die and that was going to be the last thing I ever heard you say.
no subject
( she is. more than he knows. )
Dean and me, as much as we wanted to be together, the minute he left with his brother, I knew it was over. I don't... think I ever told you that. Not soon enough, anyway. So, I'm sorry for leaving you that hope. For not... giving him a chance.
no subject
I mean, I knew that. I had just hoped that he was in this for more than just you.
[He and Ben could have been a separate thing.]
Then again, I was twelve, so what did I know?
no subject
no subject
[But Ben could feel the distance all the same. He could feel the gulf of a difference from someone doing his due diligence to someone who could come back, whatever those reasons may be.]
But even if he didn't erase the memories, he wasn't coming back. I could feel it, I was just doing everything I could to try and stop it. And maybe if I hadn't things could have been different.
no subject
( He didn't give Dean the childhood he lived, the brother he lost, the alcoholism, the depression, the night terrors. That wasn't on Ben. )
no subject
[He knows the thoughts and feelings are not logical. He was twelve.]
Felt like I was being punished even though I didn't do anything wrong.
no subject
( She's not sure how that might work, even with Dr./Patient confidentiality. )
When the time came, Dean trusted you. I don't remember all of it. I was pretty out of it, but, I remember you holding your own. You took to the shotgun a lot quicker than I... sorry. I've been replaying it, too.
no subject
Yeah, I never want to do that again.
[He'll do it if he has to. But he doesn't want to have to.]
no subject
( But that doesn't make what happened okay. )
no subject
I told him I'd be okay with meeting his mom. Seemed like a good middle ground when I don't know how to feel. So if you want to meet her too, I can let you know when she's here.
no subject
( She squeezes his hand. )
I should go back inside. You going to be okay?
no subject
[He leans in for a quick kiss in the cheek before finishing off his coffee.]
Love you, Mom.
🎀
( She gets up, gives her son a kiss on the forehead and heads inside. )