for the rest of us death will be a relief

[praevaricatio]

Comments

[acdc_rules]

I did. He either didn't want to talk about it or he just called it "work" and didn't elaborate. He ...

[He takes a deep breath because how to explain it.]

It felt like he wanted to keep us in this box, so that none of the other pieces of his life would touch it. He never told us anything, or really taught us how to protect ourselves if something happened. It's like we were just there for when he wanted to be there, but he could put us away when he didn't.

[He drums his fingers against his leg.]

Maybe he would talk about it now, but I'm not sure I need him to clarify it now. I needed it then.

[predilections]

I might disagree. If you get answers to the context you're lacking, that may help you in the present. It might refocus what happened. Maybe he wasn't intending to put you in that box, but that is how it felt for you. And he was never asked, not by you, anyway. Maybe he should be.

( A lot of this matters. )

I'm just asking you to... not dismiss the questions you do have. They're important. How was Dean's relationship with your mom?

[acdc_rules]

[He'll think about what she says about past questions, but he's still not sure that's going to solve anything now. At least not in relation to Sam.]

They were fine when he was here, but it fell apart after he left with Sam and she started seeing someone else.

[He pauses because there's a new complication that he didn't know then.]

But she also told Dean he wasn't my father when that wasn't true, but I'm not sure she actually knew one way or another.

[predilections]

Well, I have to ask how you feel about that.

( It is one thing to learn something like this, it's another to not know what your mother did or does. )

[acdc_rules]

I can't say I blame her? This guy just blows in and out of her life, and she's just supposed to be like hey, here's a kid you may or may not have fathered?

[But the longer answer is probably more complicated.]

I also ...

[A long string of silence as he sits with the answer.]

I didn't care if he was my biological father at the time. I just wanted him to be my dad. I wanted him to stay because he wanted to stay with me.

[predilections]

And losing him, before he erased your memories, that wasn't easy. You took it personally, like you weren't enough for him.

( Real enough. Enough of his son. )

She had to put a lot of trust in Dean if she were to ever make that decision and tell him that there was always the possibility. Or, she really didn't think it was. It does only take the one time.

[acdc_rules]

I don't know.

[Whether or not Lisa knew isn't really the part that bothers him. If she did know, she had her reasons for not saying. It's the first thing she says that strikes more of a nerve.]

He just certainly came running back fast enough when he realized I was. I think that's what bothers me more.

[predilections]

You're bothered he found out you were his son, he came back, restored your memories and, for all intents and purposes is really trying?

( She just needs to clarify. )

[acdc_rules]

I'm bothered that he didn't try to do any of that until I was his son. That I probably would have just kept going with a chunk of my life missing if he hadn't realized that he had a kid.

[He picks at the leg of his jeans.]

That I wasn't good enough until I was.

[predilections]

You being not good enough is something you decided, not something he ever told you. And that doesn't discount that that is how he made you feel. But, that doesn't make it, true. We professionals try to err on the side of, go into these sessions completely blind and objective, but, your father is famous. In more ways than one, but that's not what I mean. Try, if you can, to imagine the life he leads, what might have been happening around the time he erased everything. Why. Before that, with his brother "leaving." ( She uses quotations. ) Maybe, everything Dean's done isn't about you. And, I would put money on him thinking he was doing it for you. Which, ( she points her pen again. ) wouldn't make erasing your memories or taking your agency away, okay. Have you always felt like there was something about you that wasn't "enough?"

[acdc_rules]

[Yeah, he knows, Dean's a big damn hero. He's starting to get a little sick of hearing it, if he's honest.]

It's really frustrating that people keep going back to that. How crazy Dean's life was and how he thought he was doing the right thing as though that's supposed to make it all better. It doesn't. Not for me.

[But her last point does hit close to home, whether he wants it to or not. Not enough is something he can't seem to escape.]

Let's call it a recurring theme.

[predilections]

Okay, let's put a pin in Dean for a second, and let's unpack that. Can you draw a straight line or remember the first time you felt you weren't good enough? Try to, without the context of your dad.

( She will get back to everything Dean and refocus on Ben. She wasn't defending him, but trying to put things into perspective. )

[acdc_rules]

I don't know.

[He pauses as he tries to figure out how to articulate this in a way that makes sense.]

Friendships are fine. I have my closest friends and I get along well with people, so those needs are being met. But other relationships it feels a lot more ... transactional. Like I'm worth spending time with until something better comes along. Happens with one person, you don't think much of it. When it happens with multiple people you start to see it as more of a pattern.

[predilections]

Relationships of the romantic variety?

( She just wants to make sure. )

[acdc_rules]

[He nods.]

I mean, it's not like I'm some kind of big shot. I fix cars. I know in a lot of ways I probably seem like a dead end.

[A pause.]

Professionally sometimes too. Not other mechanics, necessarily, but other people.

[predilections]

Ben, I'm a little discouraged here. I've heard you describe yourself as not enough, left behind, a dead-end...

( She stands up from her chair, moving around her desk to lean against it. )

Being a mechanic is learning a vocation. It's useful. And it actually opens doors. I know it doesn't make the best living, but it's good work. People need their cars. And not everyone can work on those cars.

[acdc_rules]

I know that.

[He's never been upset about his job, and for his level of experience, he actually makes a decent living. A living that he's earned, for better or worse.]

It just doesn't always seem like that translates for other people. Or maybe I'm just picking the wrong ones, I don't know. But it seems like everyone is more interested in a good time than something long term.

[predilections]

They say that to you, out loud, full-on communicating speaking those words?

( Is he hearing this or is he interpreting this. He has so many thoughts about Dean, she has to ask. )

[acdc_rules]

No, not those words exactly. It's more implied. Though one guy straight up admitted that he was killing time until the person that "fit the lifestyle he had in mind for his future."

[He winces.]

I may have done something really messy about that one.

[predilections]

Well, that is harsh, but you see how any of that is more about them, than you, if you're fulfilled with your lifestyle choices. ( quickly, she adds ) As in, choice of job, not - man or woman. ...How messy.

[acdc_rules]

Well, he made the mistake of telling me the person he was looking to "upgrade" to. So ... I got there first.

[He holds up his hands.]

She was completely aware of it and it turns out she hated him, so that was kind of fun to bond over.

[predilections]

And presumably didn't lead to anything starcossed or stars in either of your eyes. But, revenge-aside, it was consenting. I don't see that as messy.

( She nods, though, picking her pad back up. )

We have a little bit of time left, so, I want to end the session by asking something. You have friends and they're fine. A mom, a stepdad? ( She flips back, yep. ) And, now your dad. But nothing about finding your dad has given you the answers you've been seeking. And it just happened and we're just starting, so I just want to ask, what predominantly is at the forefront of your mind right now. Have you taken anything from this first session.

[acdc_rules]

That I'm more of a mess than I initially thought?

[He looks off at one of the shelves over her shoulder as he tries to put that into better words.]

That's normal, though, right? Especially if you haven't been in therapy in a while.

[predilections]

It's normal, even in therapy. But, I do want you to remember that therapy is about you. Not people you hookup with, not Dean, but, you.

( She just wants that to sink in. )

Is there anyone you thought you might have a future with? Any could have beens?

[acdc_rules]

[He'd be lying if he said a name didn't come to mind. But his gut tells him that things won't work there, not if they try to make things more than they are.]

A couple. But they're long gone.