everyonelives | but oh what a year

[It's hard to miss the raised voices when you're right next to each other in a B&B. The walls are not exactly sound proof and while Rudy doesn't know what the conversation is about, exactly, it sounded tense, and he'd be a poor parental figure if he didn't at least check in.

He knows one of them left, and then he hears the shower going, so he waits and eventually comes around to knock lightly on the door.]

Everything okay in there?

( He looks up at the door as if he's been caught. They probably heard everything. Their room is right next door. With a deep angsty sigh like a teenager, he pulls himself off the end of the bed and goes to answer the door. )

Hey, Rudy.

( He gestures for him to come inside, because he doesn't need to have this conversation in a hallway, and because they're alone. Closing the door behind him, he lingers there, not knowing what else to say. )

[Rudy comes inside, letting the door close behind him, and then looks Dickerson over. He doesn't want to make assumptions about what the fight was about. But given the close quarters they are set up in, he's willing to be a listening ear.]

Want to talk about what happened?

( He rubs the back of his neck. )

I have shit timing, like always. ( A beat passes. ) I may have thrown myself at Ben.

[Rudy nods slowly. He doesn't seem surprised by this development. He has eyes and understands people, part of him figured that eventually one of them was going to make a move.

Didn't really expect it to end like this though.]

And I'm guessing that Ben didn't take it well.

I just wanted him to feel better, if he wanted to pause all the worrying, his nervousness, but he thinks I was trying to make him feel what I thought he should. Said I didn't need to fix him.

( It was a rough talk. )

I love him and I chose now to not tell him. I just went and planted one on him. And he kissed back. At first.

I won't speak for him on what his feelings are.

[He doesn't think Dickerson's feelings are unrequited, but he won't speak for Ben. That won't solve the problem.]

And I can see where you had good intentions. Why did you think that was the approach?

We were laying there. It just - I wanted to. I've wanted to for a long freakin' time.

( He gestures, palm flat. )

Like I said. Super shit timing.

If you wanted to, why haven't you done it sooner? You've both been single for a while.

[There have been other opportunities. Why was this moment the one he chose?]

( Maybe he did it now because he knew it wouldn't go right, cause it would crash everything before it starts. )

Cause I'm a coward.

[Rudy nods slowly.]

Relationships are hard. Especially when it's one that you're trying to transition into something different - something more intimate - it needs to be something both sides are ready for.

[A pause.]

Have the two of you talked about it at all?

I didn't even know he -

( no. they haven't. not even close. )

Did I screw everything up.

No.

[It's complicated and messy, but nothing is unsalvageable if you're willing to try.]

But I think, maybe, you should sit with why Ben was upset with you and see if you understand where he's coming from. And if you can't, maybe have that conversation when you both aren't upset with each other.

I'm not upset with him. I love him. I meant when I told him he was a damn good guy. I don't want to fix him, but I did want to help. And, knowing now he doesn't want help, he just wants the ear. I can do that. I made it about myself.

( He sighs. )

He probably thinks I wasn't even listening. But I was. I listen when he talks. I like when he talks. Fuck, I like him a lot. I love the little shit and I'm a dick.

Then I think you know what you have to do.

[Apologize. Be better at actively listening. Maybe give him a little space. The Ben playbook is a fairly simple one.]

Maybe try talking to him again after the party. I know there's some stuff he wanted to talk to Dean about. Give him some space to get that out and he'll probably be more receptive.

Yeah, I'm planning on apologizing. There's - only one bed in here, I'm sure he's going to want to get his own room if there's one open.

( He definitely sabotaged himself. )

Really did just... find his eyes and all I wanted in that moment - so fucking stupid.

No, you're not.

[He knows that Dickerson is going to beat himself up for this enough. He can at least provide some quiet reassurance.]

Love is complicated. Sometimes we don't always think before we act.

Yeah, well, there's a real chance I boned the possibility of anything. I've had years.

( and, no, Ben is not the reason his engagement failed. that was just on him. )

I don't want to keep relying on the status quo.

[Rudy nods slowly.]

Then I think you really need to think about what you want, with intentionality, and figure out what you have to do. And true, Ben may not be in the same place. He has his own needs that are going to have to be met.

But that doesn't mean it's outside of the realm of possibility.

Would you hate it if I was in his life like that. If he really let me.

( If their relationship completely changed. )

Of course not.

[If it's what they both want, then he's sure that he and Lisa both would be happy for them.]

We haven't tried to get rid of you so far. We're not going to start now.

You uh - have the address of that party? I might get my own ride. Maybe go into town. Give him some space so he can change and get ready. After.

( He doesn't want to sit in an empty room. )

[Rudy nods, getting up to give his shoulder a squeeze.]

I'll text it to you. I don't think it's that far from here, but I haven't explored much.

Thanks.

( He fights the urge, but then leans in and lets himself wrap his arms around his surrogate dad, burying his head in his shoulder. )

[Rudy's never been the type of guy to turn down a hug. He easily wraps his arms around him in return, rubbing his back gently.]

It'll be okay. World isn't going to end, even if this does take a little time to work out.

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