( Dickerson stays in the bathroom a long time as he cools off. He braces himself against the sink and then decides he needs to wash the last ten minutes away, so he starts the shower. He takes a quick one, just letting the hot water cascade over him as he stands under the showerhead.
Emerging, he picks his Christmas party fit, because they still have a party to go to. Dressed, he sits on the edge of the fucking shared bed they have. )
[It's hard to miss the raised voices when you're right next to each other in a B&B. The walls are not exactly sound proof and while Rudy doesn't know what the conversation is about, exactly, it sounded tense, and he'd be a poor parental figure if he didn't at least check in.
He knows one of them left, and then he hears the shower going, so he waits and eventually comes around to knock lightly on the door.]
( He looks up at the door as if he's been caught. They probably heard everything. Their room is right next door. With a deep angsty sigh like a teenager, he pulls himself off the end of the bed and goes to answer the door. )
Hey, Rudy.
( He gestures for him to come inside, because he doesn't need to have this conversation in a hallway, and because they're alone. Closing the door behind him, he lingers there, not knowing what else to say. )
[Rudy comes inside, letting the door close behind him, and then looks Dickerson over. He doesn't want to make assumptions about what the fight was about. But given the close quarters they are set up in, he's willing to be a listening ear.]
[Rudy nods slowly. He doesn't seem surprised by this development. He has eyes and understands people, part of him figured that eventually one of them was going to make a move.
I just wanted him to feel better, if he wanted to pause all the worrying, his nervousness, but he thinks I was trying to make him feel what I thought he should. Said I didn't need to fix him.
( It was a rough talk. )
I love him and I chose now to not tell him. I just went and planted one on him. And he kissed back. At first.
Relationships are hard. Especially when it's one that you're trying to transition into something different - something more intimate - it needs to be something both sides are ready for.
[It's complicated and messy, but nothing is unsalvageable if you're willing to try.]
But I think, maybe, you should sit with why Ben was upset with you and see if you understand where he's coming from. And if you can't, maybe have that conversation when you both aren't upset with each other.
I'm not upset with him. I love him. I meant when I told him he was a damn good guy. I don't want to fix him, but I did want to help. And, knowing now he doesn't want help, he just wants the ear. I can do that. I made it about myself.
( He sighs. )
He probably thinks I wasn't even listening. But I was. I listen when he talks. I like when he talks. Fuck, I like him a lot. I love the little shit and I'm a dick.
[Apologize. Be better at actively listening. Maybe give him a little space. The Ben playbook is a fairly simple one.]
Maybe try talking to him again after the party. I know there's some stuff he wanted to talk to Dean about. Give him some space to get that out and he'll probably be more receptive.
Then I think you really need to think about what you want, with intentionality, and figure out what you have to do. And true, Ben may not be in the same place. He has his own needs that are going to have to be met.
But that doesn't mean it's outside of the realm of possibility.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Emerging, he picks his Christmas party fit, because they still have a party to go to. Dressed, he sits on the edge of the fucking shared bed they have. )
no subject
He knows one of them left, and then he hears the shower going, so he waits and eventually comes around to knock lightly on the door.]
Everything okay in there?
no subject
Hey, Rudy.
( He gestures for him to come inside, because he doesn't need to have this conversation in a hallway, and because they're alone. Closing the door behind him, he lingers there, not knowing what else to say. )
no subject
Want to talk about what happened?
no subject
I have shit timing, like always. ( A beat passes. ) I may have thrown myself at Ben.
no subject
Didn't really expect it to end like this though.]
And I'm guessing that Ben didn't take it well.
no subject
( It was a rough talk. )
I love him and I chose now to not tell him. I just went and planted one on him. And he kissed back. At first.
no subject
[He doesn't think Dickerson's feelings are unrequited, but he won't speak for Ben. That won't solve the problem.]
And I can see where you had good intentions. Why did you think that was the approach?
no subject
( He gestures, palm flat. )
Like I said. Super shit timing.
no subject
[There have been other opportunities. Why was this moment the one he chose?]
no subject
Cause I'm a coward.
no subject
Relationships are hard. Especially when it's one that you're trying to transition into something different - something more intimate - it needs to be something both sides are ready for.
[A pause.]
Have the two of you talked about it at all?
no subject
( no. they haven't. not even close. )
Did I screw everything up.
no subject
[It's complicated and messy, but nothing is unsalvageable if you're willing to try.]
But I think, maybe, you should sit with why Ben was upset with you and see if you understand where he's coming from. And if you can't, maybe have that conversation when you both aren't upset with each other.
no subject
( He sighs. )
He probably thinks I wasn't even listening. But I was. I listen when he talks. I like when he talks. Fuck, I like him a lot. I love the little shit and I'm a dick.
no subject
[Apologize. Be better at actively listening. Maybe give him a little space. The Ben playbook is a fairly simple one.]
Maybe try talking to him again after the party. I know there's some stuff he wanted to talk to Dean about. Give him some space to get that out and he'll probably be more receptive.
no subject
( He definitely sabotaged himself. )
Really did just... find his eyes and all I wanted in that moment - so fucking stupid.
no subject
[He knows that Dickerson is going to beat himself up for this enough. He can at least provide some quiet reassurance.]
Love is complicated. Sometimes we don't always think before we act.
no subject
( and, no, Ben is not the reason his engagement failed. that was just on him. )
I don't want to keep relying on the status quo.
no subject
Then I think you really need to think about what you want, with intentionality, and figure out what you have to do. And true, Ben may not be in the same place. He has his own needs that are going to have to be met.
But that doesn't mean it's outside of the realm of possibility.
no subject
( If their relationship completely changed. )
no subject
[If it's what they both want, then he's sure that he and Lisa both would be happy for them.]
We haven't tried to get rid of you so far. We're not going to start now.
no subject
( He doesn't want to sit in an empty room. )
no subject
I'll text it to you. I don't think it's that far from here, but I haven't explored much.
no subject
( He fights the urge, but then leans in and lets himself wrap his arms around his surrogate dad, burying his head in his shoulder. )
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)