He had planned to do it alone, with Dickerson, where Rudy wouldn’t overhear and be eventually forced to share with his mother, but immediately after he gets that initial statement out, Rudy and his mother return from overseeing the Turkey Trot.
“Hey, now, buddy. It can’t be that stupid.” Rudy, always so quick to reassure. Ben grits his teeth before flashing his mom a smile.]
( He respects other people's houses, so he spokes in the garage
Dude had an entire two cigarette's worth of time to get what he wanted to out.
Maybe it's on Dickerson, he was going on about how awkward it was running into Mandy the night before (but also chill, too), rags on Ben for not joining him for the rowdiest night of the year. Or how his old man wants him in on Saturday to help with this gnarly restoration, so Ben's going to have his partner-in-crime. He's not a talker, but with Ben, sometimes he just talks.
Unless they're not talking, cause he sits in the most comfortable silences with his best friend. With the only guy who just gets him.
They get each other.
He knows when Ben has a bone to pick, though. He can see it nagging behind his eyes, just letting Dickerson talk and talk, but the guy's gotta take his own initiative.
He does regret not pushing harder before they let themselves back into the house because at that exact time, the folks return and timing can't really be worse, can it?
Not that he knows what's in store for him.
Lisa stops in the foyer, removing her coat and hanging it up.
"Well, it wasn't the tortoise trot," she reminds her son. She toes off her boots. "And I echo Rudy. I mean, you've done some done stuff, but never anything that just makes me think, whew, that was a dumb thing my son did.")
( Ben has done dumb shit, so's Dick. And Dick's pretty sure there's something wild in Ben's mother's past. She takes to everything in Battle Creek too well, has the nice husband, she's not perfect (God, not even close to perfect) and she busts his balls any time she can - but she's also been there for him, too. So, he knows the stakes when Ben lets it rip so-to-speak.
Lisa removes her scarf next, their little family still there in the foyer. She doesn't react just yet, a wry smile forming. Her son. )
I'd ask if it was for school, but you said you did something stupid. Let me guess. ( She twists the scarf she's holding with both hands, since she has something to wring. She doesn't even know she wants something to wring, she didn't think this would be her reaction but it all feels a bit confrontational since they're all just standing there.) Cilantro doesn't taste like soap for you? ( They both like their Mexican.
She lets the silence linger between them. ) Maybe we shouldn't do this right here?
( Dick stands back, holds back, to see what transpires, sharing a sympathetic look with the other semi-outsider in all of this, the nicest nudge he knows.
And still, Lisa doesn't move. )
Why didn't you tell me you wanted to submit yourself to one of those websites?
It wasn't really something I thought through. I was a little drunk and ... it was more impulsive than anything else.
[Did he drink so this would feel easier to do or was it easier to do because he was drinking? The world may never know.
But even if it was premeditated, he isn't sure he would have been able to tell her before it was done. To risk her talking him out of it. Never mind that he doesn't know how to put into words why. These pieces of his life that he feels like have been held at arm's length from him. He doesn't take it personally, his mother's past. He knows that she has never hedged about how he came to be, but there's part of him that still has questions.
Rudy reaches over, giving Lisa's shoulders a soft squeeze of support, before glancing over to Dickerson. "Why don't we give them a minute and you come help me with the turkey?"
This feels like a mother and son conversation.]
No, wait. I need D here too.
[Ben appreciates what Rudy is trying to do but there's a reason was telling Dickerson beyond the man being his best friend.]
( Did Ben decline his friendly invitation to stay home, drink, overthink and do something stupid? No, he'd bet money Ben has results or he wouldn't be wringing his hands like this. Something stupid indeed.
"I invented stories that start with 'I was a little drunk,'" his mother says. She glances at Rudy, silent in her appreciation before Ben turns down their mother-son chat. She turns to Rudy again, now apologetic with consternation.
"Can you check on the turkey?"
She doesn't mind Dickerson being in this conversation. He's her best friend's son and sometimes, she sees something bonded between them, something deeper, but she doesn't ask questions and he's never had a big network of friends. Maybe because he had to check his 23 and me.
When Rudy leaves them all, Lisa relocates them to the dining room, to at least not have this civil conversation by the front stairs.
Dick posts up close to Ben, standing if he's sitting, or sitting if he's standing, there for backup.
[Rudy nods, and gives Ben's shoulder a squeeze as well as he makes his way inside, leaving them to their family conversation.
Ben waits until the door closes before taking a deep breath.]
Okay, so I did it, and I got a hit on the paternal side. This guy named Adam Milligan is supposedly my paternal uncle. I tried sending him a message and didn't get a response, so I googled him and turns out he passed away like ... twenty years ago. I read his obit and it didn't mention a father or any surviving family so I wanted to see if D would run him to see if he could like ... find the father on the birth certificate or something. That's all I got.
( Dickerson takes mental notes of every detail, it's muscle and mental memory at this point and it feels like a debrief in the squad room.
Ben has always been the light of his mother's life and she has championed him where she can. There is nothing he could do that she wouldn't get behind. She doesn't like it, but she listens.
Lisa tries to stay neutral (13) as he speaks. A paternal hit. And he has an uncle somewhere.
She stays silent as Dickerson pulls out his phone and then his notes app.
( Dickerson taps out his answers, glances briefly at the obit, then switches back into his notes.
"Doesn't mean he doesn't have 'em," Dick notes, knowing full well he does. "He might not know he has them."
Dick's dad isn't philandering, being a single dad, but Dick knows dads do philander.
Lisa stays silent, taking a long, painstaking breath. )
I'm fine. I just wish you would've told me you wanted to look into your father. You always seemed find he wasn't in the picture.
( And she can't help but wonder, how long has he been lying to her about caring he wasn't. )
Maybe if you run his DNA in the system, something will come up. But, that then means your dad's in the system. ( Booked. ) So, do with that what you will.
( She takes the hug, suddenly very tired, and having to help with a Thanksgiving meal, but she's already thought of his "punishment" as the hug ends.
She pushes the chair out from the table and stands. She wishes she could contribute more. )
I was teaching yoga then and spending a lot of time at this bar by the house ( She gives him the names of both the yoga studio and the bar. ) I'm sorry I can't be of more help. And I really hope you find answers to your questions, because I don't have any. ( She doesn't blame her son for having some, however. ) Okay. While I sit with that, I'm going to go help Rudy and see if he needs anything in the kitchen. And, after you two talk, I suggest you come in and help us. You know we're a team in this house.
( She kisses her son's forehead, sighs, smiles at Dickerson and heads into the kitchen. )
I need wine. What can I help with?
( And back outside in the dining room, Dickerson cants his head for Ben to follow him back upstairs to his old room. This is still Ben's thing, and after closing the door, he turns to his friend.
( Never mind the hour he had in the garage, the two before that, any day before today -- yeah, his timing was crappy. But, timing just is crappy. Always. So, he's not knocking his timing. )
It's not the first time that I've like ... pulled it up on my phone or whatever. I ordered the DNA kit weeks ago and was just not pulling the trigger. I shouldn't want to know. Like shit, it's not like I need a dad. I've got Rudy.
[Which isn't the most ringing endorsement, but he knows that Rudy has been more than happy filling the role when needed to.]
I guess I got to the point where I just couldn't handle the question mark, you know? Like I figured maybe if I just can put a name to it, maybe that would be enough.
( She takes a bigger gulp than she should as the mayor who could be called at any time, but she feels entitled. She shakes her head, moving to the kitchen island and setting her drink down. )
No, no, give me something to - to chop. Or, hit hard.
( She sighs. Please assign her a task, but in the meantime, she just barrels forward. )
It's not that I don't understand why he's curious, it's just -- if he ever did it, why wouldn't we do it together? Or, why wouldn't he talk to me beforehand? Because he wasn't going to tell me yet, that's for sure.
[Okay, he can give her something to chop. Mashed potatoes are up next, so he places the peeled spuds down in front of her for her to chop into quarters before going into the pot.]
When Ben and I have talked about his dad - few and far between, but it has happened - I don't think it's a desire he's particularly proud of. It's something he does want to leave in the past but there's a part of him that can't, and that can be hard to talk about. But I don't think he didn't include you to hurt you.
[Doesn't change that it did hurt her, but the hurt wasn't intentional.]
He didn't hurt - Okay. It hurts that he didn't come to me. And maybe it hurts him that I never made any effort to reach out to ( a sigh ) his father.
( she can totally quarter potatoes. )
I hate that I can't do anything? Like, I genuinely remember nothing about this man. He made zero impression. Which means that either I've blocked him out, or don't remember him, or even the sex. And who cares about the sex, I got Ben. And I love Ben and I wanted( the knife goes up with that word, then resumes quartering. ) Ben.
Maybe that's all that matters. That you two got each other out of the equation. Realistically, there's still a chance that this man may wind up being a disappointment. And there's also a chance that he doesn't even want to meet the guy. He just wants the answer to the question.
[Sometimes an answer can do a lot to soothe any questions. If only Rudy knew what a can of worms Ben and Dickerson were about to open up. He slides the turkey into the oven before placing his hands on her shoulders gently.]
And I know my son. If he's out there, if someone is out there, Ben will meet him. And that's okay. And, is it crazy I don't want him to be a disappointment? It's the last thing Ben needs and - I'd rather there be something to find. Maybe this isn't a bad thing. Just a surprising thing.
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everyonelives2025-03-12 08:39 pm
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[This is not where he wanted to say those words.
He had planned to do it alone, with Dickerson, where Rudy wouldn’t overhear and be eventually forced to share with his mother, but immediately after he gets that initial statement out, Rudy and his mother return from overseeing the Turkey Trot.
“Hey, now, buddy. It can’t be that stupid.” Rudy, always so quick to reassure. Ben grits his teeth before flashing his mom a smile.]
Hey. You’re back fast.
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Dude had an entire two cigarette's worth of time to get what he wanted to out.
Maybe it's on Dickerson, he was going on about how awkward it was running into Mandy the night before (but also chill, too), rags on Ben for not joining him for the rowdiest night of the year. Or how his old man wants him in on Saturday to help with this gnarly restoration, so Ben's going to have his partner-in-crime. He's not a talker, but with Ben, sometimes he just talks.
Unless they're not talking, cause he sits in the most comfortable silences with his best friend. With the only guy who just gets him.
They get each other.
He knows when Ben has a bone to pick, though. He can see it nagging behind his eyes, just letting Dickerson talk and talk, but the guy's gotta take his own initiative.
He does regret not pushing harder before they let themselves back into the house because at that exact time, the folks return and timing can't really be worse, can it?
Not that he knows what's in store for him.
Lisa stops in the foyer, removing her coat and hanging it up.
"Well, it wasn't the tortoise trot," she reminds her son. She toes off her boots. "And I echo Rudy. I mean, you've done some done stuff, but never anything that just makes me think, whew, that was a dumb thing my son did." )
Nah, he's the smartest guy I know.
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[He's kidding though. He knows he's not stupid, but this? This is stupid. This is something he probably should have opened his mouth up about sooner.
And now his Mom is here so might as well rip the band-aid off.]
I 23andme'd myself.
[Bracing for the inevitable criticism to come.]
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Lisa removes her scarf next, their little family still there in the foyer. She doesn't react just yet, a wry smile forming. Her son. )
I'd ask if it was for school, but you said you did something stupid. Let me guess. ( She twists the scarf she's holding with both hands, since she has something to wring. She doesn't even know she wants something to wring, she didn't think this would be her reaction but it all feels a bit confrontational since they're all just standing there. ) Cilantro doesn't taste like soap for you? ( They both like their Mexican.
She lets the silence linger between them. ) Maybe we shouldn't do this right here?
( Dick stands back, holds back, to see what transpires, sharing a sympathetic look with the other semi-outsider in all of this, the nicest nudge he knows.
And still, Lisa doesn't move. )
Why didn't you tell me you wanted to submit yourself to one of those websites?
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[Did he drink so this would feel easier to do or was it easier to do because he was drinking? The world may never know.
But even if it was premeditated, he isn't sure he would have been able to tell her before it was done. To risk her talking him out of it. Never mind that he doesn't know how to put into words why. These pieces of his life that he feels like have been held at arm's length from him. He doesn't take it personally, his mother's past. He knows that she has never hedged about how he came to be, but there's part of him that still has questions.
Rudy reaches over, giving Lisa's shoulders a soft squeeze of support, before glancing over to Dickerson. "Why don't we give them a minute and you come help me with the turkey?"
This feels like a mother and son conversation.]
No, wait. I need D here too.
[Ben appreciates what Rudy is trying to do but there's a reason was telling Dickerson beyond the man being his best friend.]
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"I invented stories that start with 'I was a little drunk,'" his mother says. She glances at Rudy, silent in her appreciation before Ben turns down their mother-son chat. She turns to Rudy again, now apologetic with consternation.
"Can you check on the turkey?"
She doesn't mind Dickerson being in this conversation. He's her best friend's son and sometimes, she sees something bonded between them, something deeper, but she doesn't ask questions and he's never had a big network of friends. Maybe because he had to check his 23 and me.
When Rudy leaves them all, Lisa relocates them to the dining room, to at least not have this civil conversation by the front stairs.
Dick posts up close to Ben, standing if he's sitting, or sitting if he's standing, there for backup.
"Okay, Ben. Talk." )
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Ben waits until the door closes before taking a deep breath.]
Okay, so I did it, and I got a hit on the paternal side. This guy named Adam Milligan is supposedly my paternal uncle. I tried sending him a message and didn't get a response, so I googled him and turns out he passed away like ... twenty years ago. I read his obit and it didn't mention a father or any surviving family so I wanted to see if D would run him to see if he could like ... find the father on the birth certificate or something. That's all I got.
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Ben has always been the light of his mother's life and she has championed him where she can. There is nothing he could do that she wouldn't get behind. She doesn't like it, but she listens.
Lisa tries to stay neutral (13) as he speaks. A paternal hit. And he has an uncle somewhere.
She stays silent as Dickerson pulls out his phone and then his notes app.
"What do you know about Adam Milligan?" )
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[He reaches for his phone before pulling it up and sending it over to his friend.]
Doesn't say he had any siblings though, so who knows?
[He then glances over to Lisa, his expression softening a bit.]
You okay, Mom?
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"Doesn't mean he doesn't have 'em," Dick notes, knowing full well he does. "He might not know he has them."
Dick's dad isn't philandering, being a single dad, but Dick knows dads do philander.
Lisa stays silent, taking a long, painstaking breath. )
I'm fine. I just wish you would've told me you wanted to look into your father. You always seemed find he wasn't in the picture.
( And she can't help but wonder, how long has he been lying to her about caring he wasn't. )
Maybe if you run his DNA in the system, something will come up. But, that then means your dad's in the system. ( Booked. ) So, do with that what you will.
( She sits back. She has to ask. )
Are we okay?
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[Maybe if he has a name it'll settle the part of him that wonders.]
Besides, one day I might need a kidney or something.
[You never know. That being said, he nods as he moves closer to pull her into a hug.]
Yeah. We were always okay.
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She pushes the chair out from the table and stands. She wishes she could contribute more. )
I was teaching yoga then and spending a lot of time at this bar by the house ( She gives him the names of both the yoga studio and the bar. ) I'm sorry I can't be of more help. And I really hope you find answers to your questions, because I don't have any. ( She doesn't blame her son for having some, however. ) Okay. While I sit with that, I'm going to go help Rudy and see if he needs anything in the kitchen. And, after you two talk, I suggest you come in and help us. You know we're a team in this house.
( She kisses her son's forehead, sighs, smiles at Dickerson and heads into the kitchen. )
I need wine. What can I help with?
( And back outside in the dining room, Dickerson cants his head for Ben to follow him back upstairs to his old room. This is still Ben's thing, and after closing the door, he turns to his friend.
"Dude." )
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[He exhales hard as he drops down onto his bed, rubbing at his eyes.]
My timing there was not the greatest.
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( Never mind the hour he had in the garage, the two before that, any day before today -- yeah, his timing was crappy. But, timing just is crappy. Always. So, he's not knocking his timing. )
Why now?
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[He wishes he did have an answer.]
It's not the first time that I've like ... pulled it up on my phone or whatever. I ordered the DNA kit weeks ago and was just not pulling the trigger. I shouldn't want to know. Like shit, it's not like I need a dad. I've got Rudy.
[Which isn't the most ringing endorsement, but he knows that Rudy has been more than happy filling the role when needed to.]
I guess I got to the point where I just couldn't handle the question mark, you know? Like I figured maybe if I just can put a name to it, maybe that would be enough.
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( Bandaid's ripped. )
Hey, I'm not knocking you. If there was a mystery or something I could learn about my mom, I'd do it. I'd find out. But, you know I'm a digger.
( That's the thing, normally, he's the digger. )
Look, you could've lied and told me alone, but you admitted everything. So now she's a part of this. Maybe that's not a bad thing.
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[And he's never judged her for that. It's not like these things don't happen.]
I just thought maybe I'd see if there was actually something there to the whole Milligan thing before I got her hackles up for nothing.
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( He sighs. )
Anything else you need to get off your chest before we head back downstairs. Anything else that might help me?
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I was born in October so this guy was probably around in ... January of 99? If that helps when you're asking around.
[A pause.]
Also feel free to warn me in advance if he's gonna suck.
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You can sit there, be beautiful, and tell me how we're feeling about all of this while Ben is out of earshot.
[Because he knows Lisa has to be having some feelings about the specter of Ben's father reentering their life.]
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No, no, give me something to - to chop. Or, hit hard.
( She sighs. Please assign her a task, but in the meantime, she just barrels forward. )
It's not that I don't understand why he's curious, it's just -- if he ever did it, why wouldn't we do it together? Or, why wouldn't he talk to me beforehand? Because he wasn't going to tell me yet, that's for sure.
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When Ben and I have talked about his dad - few and far between, but it has happened - I don't think it's a desire he's particularly proud of. It's something he does want to leave in the past but there's a part of him that can't, and that can be hard to talk about. But I don't think he didn't include you to hurt you.
[Doesn't change that it did hurt her, but the hurt wasn't intentional.]
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( she can totally quarter potatoes. )
I hate that I can't do anything? Like, I genuinely remember nothing about this man. He made zero impression. Which means that either I've blocked him out, or don't remember him, or even the sex. And who cares about the sex, I got Ben. And I love Ben and I wanted ( the knife goes up with that word, then resumes quartering. ) Ben.
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[Sometimes an answer can do a lot to soothe any questions. If only Rudy knew what a can of worms Ben and Dickerson were about to open up. He slides the turkey into the oven before placing his hands on her shoulders gently.]
You raised a good kid, Lisa. He'll figure it out.
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( He leans against him. )
And I know my son. If he's out there, if someone is out there, Ben will meet him. And that's okay. And, is it crazy I don't want him to be a disappointment? It's the last thing Ben needs and - I'd rather there be something to find. Maybe this isn't a bad thing. Just a surprising thing.
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