[After heading home from the bar and making an impromptu phone call with Elena, Ben passes out and tries not to think about all the things he's trying to juggle. The morning doesn't make things much better, and he knows that he can't wait for his new therapist to talk to his mom.
So he makes his way over to the house, knocking on the door as he opens it and glances around. He doesn't see Rudy's car in the driveway. Hopefully he's already gone to work.]
( She's going over the notes for one of her local stump speeches. She's hunched over a half-eaten bagel at the counter, not in her heels yet, but dressed for work. ) Clarke's upstairs, but on a Zoom call.
( Civilian, as Dean would put it, in case he wants to discuss any recent revelations. She comes around the counter to pull her son in for a good morning hug. )
Do you want some coffee? ( She steps back, checking her watch. ) Are you in early at the garage today?
There are very few things you could ever do to fuck up my day, just by fucking up your own. And, I don't see the wringing of the hands and I don't think you're dating anyone, so I'll rule out, you got a girl pregnant or spent a night in jail.
( She takes her own coffee with her and leaves all of the campaign stuff in the kitchen as she leads him out to their back porch, to sit at the table. Sound travels in the house. But, also. It's a beautiful day out. And her son is here. )
[Someone is upstairs. He has to keep that in mind. And he doesn't want to have this whole conversation about sleeping in code, so he'll put it as simply as he can.]
I'm going back to therapy.
[He doesn't have to tell her. He can pay for it himself.]
It's going to take time to find a person though and I don't think this can wait, so ...
[He takes another deep breath, stirring some cream into his coffee before he finally says it.]
Okay. I'm guessing this isn't the part that's going to fuck up my day?
( She lifts her coffee in her hands and settles back. Gaining those memories back, it isn't a night she relives. She remembers their year together. Dean saving Ben. Dean pushing Ben. She remembers trying to move on. She remembers feeling like she was in a vacuum, someone else using her voice, a knife shoved in her stomach. Being exorcised and drifting in and out of consciousnes.
[Ben cups his hands around the cup and tries to put it together in ways that make sense.]
The ... It made you say a lot of stuff that day. And I know he said they lie and I know it probably wasn't true. At least not all the time. I know I can be a shit sometimes.
[He sets his jaw, and puts the coffee cup down.]
I need you to tell me that it wasn't true. Or ... at least that it's not true now.
( She knew it. She should have said it right away, that she'd never say something like that, but, she didn't know what was coming. There's everything under the bridge between them and Dean, and a year and -- more. She still remembers the night Dean came to her door. Broken. Needing somewhere. Fulfilling what Sam wanted.
She sets her coffee aside and holds her hands out. Once he takes them. She squeezes. Hard. She leans forward. )
I wouldn't trade anything for you. You weren't a mistake. And, other than - you know I'm pro-choice and we've had discussions like these - ( she's a feminist, and he needs to know what his options are ) other than, having the choice, it never was a choice, Ben. Not for me. I have never once regretted having you. I don't care about the bad days or the days you make me want to shake you just a little bit because I love you because it's your life, Ben. And when you were nine and eleven and every other age, I was your mother. That was my job. You were a teenager. I was a teenager. Hell, my twenties? ( Duh. ) I'm your mother. I always will be. No matter what any demon says and if I could, after everything, I'd tell you exactly that. Maybe just a little edited. Honey, have you been carrying this?
[Some tension releases as she speaks - not that he doubted her answer but hearing it will hopefully calm the squirrels in his brain for a little bit longer. He squeezes her hands in return before nodding.]
I was so scared you were going to die and that was going to be the last thing I ever heard you say.
That wasn't me. I am so, so sorry that happened to us.
( she is. more than he knows. )
Dean and me, as much as we wanted to be together, the minute he left with his brother, I knew it was over. I don't... think I ever told you that. Not soon enough, anyway. So, I'm sorry for leaving you that hope. For not... giving him a chance.
Ben. ( She takes a second, to try and form her words right. ) He was in it for everything. He loved you. He worried about you. He asked about you. You called and he picked up the phone right away. Right? Came running back when you cried wolf. Came after us with the full force of - apparently, an angel, his brother...
[But Ben could feel the distance all the same. He could feel the gulf of a difference from someone doing his due diligence to someone who could come back, whatever those reasons may be.]
But even if he didn't erase the memories, he wasn't coming back. I could feel it, I was just doing everything I could to try and stop it. And maybe if I hadn't things could have been different.
Well, for what it's worth, I think it's a healthy decision. Will you have to use metaphors?
( She's not sure how that might work, even with Dr./Patient confidentiality. )
When the time came, Dean trusted you. I don't remember all of it. I was pretty out of it, but, I remember you holding your own. You took to the shotgun a lot quicker than I... sorry. I've been replaying it, too.
[Ben takes a deep breath and nods, before deciding to shove the rest of the topic away for now.]
I told him I'd be okay with meeting his mom. Seemed like a good middle ground when I don't know how to feel. So if you want to meet her too, I can let you know when she's here.
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everyonelives2025-07-26 07:05 pm
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So he makes his way over to the house, knocking on the door as he opens it and glances around. He doesn't see Rudy's car in the driveway. Hopefully he's already gone to work.]
Hey, Mom? You home?
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( She's going over the notes for one of her local stump speeches. She's hunched over a half-eaten bagel at the counter, not in her heels yet, but dressed for work. ) Clarke's upstairs, but on a Zoom call.
( Civilian, as Dean would put it, in case he wants to discuss any recent revelations. She comes around the counter to pull her son in for a good morning hug. )
Do you want some coffee? ( She steps back, checking her watch. ) Are you in early at the garage today?
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[And yes please coffee. He moves to fix it from the coffee maker, wanting something to do with his hands.]
Are you busy? I was hoping that we could talk, but I could come back later? I don't want to fuck up your day.
[Which probably tells you enough about what he wants to talk about but he needs to at least try to unpack some of this.]
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( She takes her own coffee with her and leaves all of the campaign stuff in the kitchen as she leads him out to their back porch, to sit at the table. Sound travels in the house. But, also. It's a beautiful day out. And her son is here. )
What's on your mind?
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I'm going back to therapy.
[He doesn't have to tell her. He can pay for it himself.]
It's going to take time to find a person though and I don't think this can wait, so ...
[He takes another deep breath, stirring some cream into his coffee before he finally says it.]
I want to talk about the day Dean left for good.
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( She lifts her coffee in her hands and settles back. Gaining those memories back, it isn't a night she relives. She remembers their year together. Dean saving Ben. Dean pushing Ben. She remembers trying to move on. She remembers feeling like she was in a vacuum, someone else using her voice, a knife shoved in her stomach. Being exorcised and drifting in and out of consciousnes.
She remembers that day. )
What about it?
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The ... It made you say a lot of stuff that day. And I know he said they lie and I know it probably wasn't true. At least not all the time. I know I can be a shit sometimes.
[He sets his jaw, and puts the coffee cup down.]
I need you to tell me that it wasn't true. Or ... at least that it's not true now.
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She sets her coffee aside and holds her hands out. Once he takes them. She squeezes. Hard. She leans forward. )
I wouldn't trade anything for you. You weren't a mistake. And, other than - you know I'm pro-choice and we've had discussions like these - ( she's a feminist, and he needs to know what his options are ) other than, having the choice, it never was a choice, Ben. Not for me. I have never once regretted having you. I don't care about the bad days or the days you make me want to shake you just a little bit because I love you because it's your life, Ben. And when you were nine and eleven and every other age, I was your mother. That was my job. You were a teenager. I was a teenager. Hell, my twenties? ( Duh. ) I'm your mother. I always will be. No matter what any demon says and if I could, after everything, I'd tell you exactly that. Maybe just a little edited. Honey, have you been carrying this?
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I was so scared you were going to die and that was going to be the last thing I ever heard you say.
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( she is. more than he knows. )
Dean and me, as much as we wanted to be together, the minute he left with his brother, I knew it was over. I don't... think I ever told you that. Not soon enough, anyway. So, I'm sorry for leaving you that hope. For not... giving him a chance.
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I mean, I knew that. I had just hoped that he was in this for more than just you.
[He and Ben could have been a separate thing.]
Then again, I was twelve, so what did I know?
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[But Ben could feel the distance all the same. He could feel the gulf of a difference from someone doing his due diligence to someone who could come back, whatever those reasons may be.]
But even if he didn't erase the memories, he wasn't coming back. I could feel it, I was just doing everything I could to try and stop it. And maybe if I hadn't things could have been different.
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( He didn't give Dean the childhood he lived, the brother he lost, the alcoholism, the depression, the night terrors. That wasn't on Ben. )
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[He knows the thoughts and feelings are not logical. He was twelve.]
Felt like I was being punished even though I didn't do anything wrong.
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( She's not sure how that might work, even with Dr./Patient confidentiality. )
When the time came, Dean trusted you. I don't remember all of it. I was pretty out of it, but, I remember you holding your own. You took to the shotgun a lot quicker than I... sorry. I've been replaying it, too.
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Yeah, I never want to do that again.
[He'll do it if he has to. But he doesn't want to have to.]
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( But that doesn't make what happened okay. )
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I told him I'd be okay with meeting his mom. Seemed like a good middle ground when I don't know how to feel. So if you want to meet her too, I can let you know when she's here.
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( She squeezes his hand. )
I should go back inside. You going to be okay?
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[He leans in for a quick kiss in the cheek before finishing off his coffee.]
Love you, Mom.
🎀
( She gets up, gives her son a kiss on the forehead and heads inside. )