everyonelives | for the rest of us death will be a relief

Yeah, I am.

[It's going to get complicated and messy and he knows that, but he wouldn't put himself here unless he was sure he needed it. Because as self-aware as he may be, he still doesn't like exposing himself any more than anyone else.]

I don't ...

[His voice trails off, stopping himself from ending that sentence with "to be Dean." Because that isn't entirely fair. Dean not having the space or tools to figure himself out isn't his fault.]

I don't want to get worse. And I can feel that happening if I keep stewing.

Can I ask, worse than what?

( Worse implies he already believes he's not good. Or, okay. Possibly even before Dean's return to his life. But, Taylor focuses on the question and the answer. Based on what he says, then she'll move forward in that direction.

But she suspects. She had some pathological tendencies she needed to address. )

[He pauses, trying to figure out how to explain.]

When I was a teenager, I was a real shithead. Starting fights, getting into trouble. Really acting out. It was like there was part of me that had to make my issues everyone else's problem. That's why my mom put me in therapy in the first place.

[He gives a small shrug.]

Ever since I got my memories back, it's like I've been dropped back into that mindset again, and I'm really worried that I'm going to wind up punching someone when I'm not supposed to be that guy anymore. I kind of bit my best friend's head off the other day, and it wasn't his fault. It was a lot of stuff he didn't know, and he was trying to help. But I don't want to keep doing that.

You mentioned you'd been in therapy before.

( She jots her first note down. )

What was so out of line?

I was getting into fights.

[Again, not something he's proud of. He wants to think that he's not a violent guy, but sometimes when his anger gets bad, he just wants to swing at something - or occasionally someone.]

For really stupid reasons. I was basically asking for them to provoke me.

I meant, why you bit your best friend's head off, but we can get to that after we tackle the fighting. Sorry for that choice of words. ( She shifts back again, setting her paper and pen down on the desk. ) You knew that provoking people and picking these fights wasn't healthy, that it was self destructive behavior and could lead you into more trouble? Have you ever been arrested? Did you ever face any consequences over your provocations?

Oh, sorry.

[He pauses as he thinks through those consequences.]

I have been arrested, though not for fighting. I did nearly get expelled from school a few times though. Therapy the first time was a requirement for me to not be expelled. So maybe not super harsh consequences, but there were some?

Those count. What changed the first time? What made you kick the habit?

( Maybe if she can see what kernel of a thought helped him movie forward, find his way, there may be a good in to get him back in that headspace. )

Therapy. Having someone objective to talk to really helped, especially in validating what I was feeling while calling out where my actions were hurting me.

[He taps his fingers against his legs.]

I snapped at Dickerson because he was trying to smooth things over between me and Dean without really knowing all of the details because prior to right now, I didn't know all the details. So how could I have told him?

[Ben's lips twitch.]

He also can be a fixer. Which is fine when you have a problem to solve, but not great when you have a lot of feelings you're trying to process and not doing it efficiently.

[Which may be a bit uncharitable so he makes a face.]

I know he's trying to help. But sometimes it can be really frustrating.

Okay, we have thoughts about Dickerson. ( She retrieves her notebook, jotting a few things down. ) It sounds like you're in the right place, at least. For the right reasons. Tell me about Dean. Your father.

[He pauses, taking a breath as he tries to figure out where to start.]

When I first met him, I thought he was the coolest guy I'd ever met. Like none of my mom's boyfriends had ever been that cool. He had this really sick car and he liked the same music I did, and ... he did get me into my first fight but in his defense those kids were picking on me and I needed to stand up for myself.

I was also eight.

[He exhales slowly.]

And when he came back when I was older, things became a lot more complicated. He had just lost his brother so he was really a mess and drinking a lot, but when he started to get better we got really close. Or, I thought we were close, at least. Until his brother came back.

He - encouraged a child to hit someone else.

( Or someone like it. She sets aside all the things she's heard about hunters and any Winchester. She is first and foremost: impartial. )

What happened after his brother came back? Did he lose lose his brother, like he had a falling out or...

They stole my Gameboy and it wasn't the first time they'd taken something of mine and hadn't given it back.

[Telling other adults was not helping. But his tone says he knows it wasn't great but also maybe needed to be done.

But that's also not the point.]

He told us he died. But ... I later learned that for them, that doesn't always stick.

Well, that's not nice of them.

( And she's not here to argue what a kid should and shouldn't do, more how a father shouldn't act. But, with this timeline, he isn't his father, at least not to Ben's knowledge. )

Ben. He didn't tell you he died, he did die. And then it didn't stick. You're saying, 'He told us he died,' like he lied. He thought his brother was dead. Do you think that was part of the reason that he was able to... come back to you and to your mom?

With Dean it's kind of hard to tell.

[What's a lie and what's not. He played his cards so close to the chest and it's hard to tell what's said to placate or what's said because he needs a plausible story.]

But also, I didn't understand the way his world worked back then. I still don't know. I just know he said Sam was dead one day and then about a year later, Sam showed up on our front porch and Dean left and ... it wasn't the same after that.

You never asked Dean what happened to his brother? Or why he left when he showed back up?

( She thinks about that. )

I think a lot of this pent up frustration will alleviate once you get answers to the questions you've been asking yourself, even without knowing. Subconsciously, you've been carrying this question of being worth the truth, or the different path. You're not a kid anymore, but it will take two. The mountain doesn't come to Mohammed, does it?

I did. He either didn't want to talk about it or he just called it "work" and didn't elaborate. He ...

[He takes a deep breath because how to explain it.]

It felt like he wanted to keep us in this box, so that none of the other pieces of his life would touch it. He never told us anything, or really taught us how to protect ourselves if something happened. It's like we were just there for when he wanted to be there, but he could put us away when he didn't.

[He drums his fingers against his leg.]

Maybe he would talk about it now, but I'm not sure I need him to clarify it now. I needed it then.

I might disagree. If you get answers to the context you're lacking, that may help you in the present. It might refocus what happened. Maybe he wasn't intending to put you in that box, but that is how it felt for you. And he was never asked, not by you, anyway. Maybe he should be.

( A lot of this matters. )

I'm just asking you to... not dismiss the questions you do have. They're important. How was Dean's relationship with your mom?

[He'll think about what she says about past questions, but he's still not sure that's going to solve anything now. At least not in relation to Sam.]

They were fine when he was here, but it fell apart after he left with Sam and she started seeing someone else.

[He pauses because there's a new complication that he didn't know then.]

But she also told Dean he wasn't my father when that wasn't true, but I'm not sure she actually knew one way or another.

Well, I have to ask how you feel about that.

( It is one thing to learn something like this, it's another to not know what your mother did or does. )

I can't say I blame her? This guy just blows in and out of her life, and she's just supposed to be like hey, here's a kid you may or may not have fathered?

[But the longer answer is probably more complicated.]

I also ...

[A long string of silence as he sits with the answer.]

I didn't care if he was my biological father at the time. I just wanted him to be my dad. I wanted him to stay because he wanted to stay with me.

And losing him, before he erased your memories, that wasn't easy. You took it personally, like you weren't enough for him.

( Real enough. Enough of his son. )

She had to put a lot of trust in Dean if she were to ever make that decision and tell him that there was always the possibility. Or, she really didn't think it was. It does only take the one time.

I don't know.

[Whether or not Lisa knew isn't really the part that bothers him. If she did know, she had her reasons for not saying. It's the first thing she says that strikes more of a nerve.]

He just certainly came running back fast enough when he realized I was. I think that's what bothers me more.

You're bothered he found out you were his son, he came back, restored your memories and, for all intents and purposes is really trying?

( She just needs to clarify. )

I'm bothered that he didn't try to do any of that until I was his son. That I probably would have just kept going with a chunk of my life missing if he hadn't realized that he had a kid.

[He picks at the leg of his jeans.]

That I wasn't good enough until I was.

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