for the rest of us death will be a relief

[praevaricatio]

Comments

[bravebartender]

[Cami's eyebrows go up.]

That must have hurt. Coming back and finding out that all the progress you worked to make for this relationship just ... erased.

[unforgivably]

She avoided me. Hated me, because the last thing she remembered was me breaking her brother's neck. He's fine. Magic family ring. I was going through something. Years before. Anyway. I fought my way back into her heart. She couldn't deny us, eventually, and then things got so good, we decided to take the cure together. Another cure came into play because of the oblivion Bonnie and I were in. Formerly. Prison world.

( He waits to see if she knows what they are. )

[bravebartender]

[She's heard of them, and she nods. Then her brow furrows.]

Did she get her memories back? Or were you starting fresh, in a sense?

[unforgivably]

Starting fresh, but, after she took the cure and was subsequently targeted by my now homicidal formerly dead vampire mom, all the memories came flooding back. And then we were us again. But, new and improved. All the water was under the bridge. We came together for Alaric, former best friend's, wedding.

( Alls well didn't end well. )

[bravebartender]

Let me guess. This wedding was of the red variety?

[She watched Game of Thrones. She is with the pop culture and she's learning from the way the rest of this relationship has been shaking out.]

[unforgivably]

His fiancee was targeted by her formerly imprisoned heretic brother - ( He pauses. ) Long story really short, a curse made it mandatory she and her brother "merged." She kept her body, absorbed his everything else, but I guess over time he laid dormant and grew in power. He took over her body, made a mess and stuck Elena in a sleeping beauty curse. One that would only end when her friend Bonnie dies. And Bonnie was 20-something years old. At the time. This was about betraying Bonnie and Elena got the brunt of it. Though, I did leave him in the prison world he escaped from.

( Maximum effect. )

[bravebartender]

I'm familiar with the Gemini Curse.

[She knows Josie, through Hope, and Josie talks about it sometimes. Mostly when Cami has her good therapist face on. But she absorbs everything else and nods.]

I'm guessing by Bonnie not being dead that you figured out a way to wake her up.

[unforgivably]

Bonnie did. And then she was back. And awake and she spent a few weeks going through the motions. And we argued. And the real world cracked everything we had carefully built.

( He hears himself, how much he's bullshitting. Stacking everything, one after the other, remembering calling the both of them toxic, remembering erasing her memory of that necklace... But, he waits for Cami to call him on it. There was nothing carefully built. No time for their relationship to breathe outside of everything. )

[bravebartender]

[Cami would prefer not to put in the context of calling someone on it. Especially since she can tell from the look on his face that he knows that isn't entirely true. But it's not so much a lie as the thing he wants to believe.]

I can see why you would put it that way. Because from what you laid out, it seems like the timing was never quite right. Either she was with your brother, or there was a sire bond, or some other supernatural event taking place.

[There's no blame in her tone, just drawing a conclusion from the information given.]

But do you think it was timing? Truly? Having laid all of that relationship out, if you sit and be honest with yourself, why do you think you and Elena didn't work?

[unforgivably]

She told me. Because, when she, as a vampire, finally decided, herself to put everything on the line and take the cure with me, she was put into a coma. And in that coma, she thought through everything. Did everything I'm doing one-sided. And she... came to her own conclusions. And nothing was the same when she woke up and I did a terrible thing while she was sleeping. And she couldn't get past that. You don't have to tell me, because I know.

( He thinks he does, anyway. )

[bravebartender]

That's how she feels. Her reasons.

[She will push this because this is her job.]

What are yours?

[Because as much as he says he was hanging on to her, he could have pushed the issue. He could have fought harder. But there was a reason he didn't.]

[unforgivably]

She - we - because it shouldn't be that hard. Because the odds shouldn't stack up again and again. Because when it comes down to it, I was right when we broke up the first time. We're toxic. We've always been toxic.

( He lets that go, sagging back into the couch, wishing he had something to drink. )

[bravebartender]

[Sorry, no alcohol during therapy. But her office isn't far from Rosseau's, so it's easy to get one after.

Cami nods. It's good that he can see it.]

Does it feel better? To actually say it?

[To put words to his own feelings instead of having to accommodate for everyone else. And it feels like a trite question to ask, but she's also getting the sense that Damon is the type to bury his feelings until he explodes rather than actually having a conversation about them.]

[unforgivably]

I thought we were done. I wanted to be done. For her. I wanted her to be happy. But, she found me and declared her forever love and we drove that car into the Mystic Grille.

( He doesn't have the most energy to actually unpack how that happened. )

She broke up with me because she's always making excuses for being me. And because I killed another one of her friends before that. We couldn't stay away from each other because our chemistry was combustible. But, once I realized that. I... was out. She's the one that fought. And then erased me and it's like I forgot everything I learned from the last year. I also had three to four months of living the same day to only think about getting back to her. That entire year was about getting her again. Convincing her of our love story. Until she remembered it herself... I carried it all. And - ( A beat. ) I loved her, but I was pissed. Pissed that even though she was sad, that she'd erase it all. That we were so starcrossed that she couldn't stop crying. That Alaric let her do that. She didn't erase her brother's existence. That's -- forget that. It - just -- I never blamed her. Just wooed her. But. I did. I blamed her.

[bravebartender]

I think you're right to put that blame on her if it was her decision. And I also think it's valid to be frustrated with her for seeming not to understand what it is she wanted.

[She shifts, setting her notepad to the side, wanting to make sure that she's more in this moment than making note of things for later.]

But if you had all this frustration, what was stopping you from moving on?

[And she'll let him take his time, not push. Find the thing he's still tangled around, if he can.]

[unforgivably]

Which time?

( Because, there are -- two? Different ones? )

When she was in a coma, all I wanted to do was be good for her, be the Damon she'd want. Take care of her friends, live my life... But, life. We had heretics and mom and her boyfriend, literal Hell, a vampire hunter and then sirens. And under the siren's spell, I did a lot of bad. After, when she was awake again, I was just happy she was awake. I missed her.

( a beat. )

There was a time I was so messed up, I believed I'd set her coffin on fire. Her, me, our future. Her life. All up in smoke. It wasn't her. Her friend Tyler had made a decoy coffin for that reason.

[bravebartender]

[Yeah, she set aside the pat too soon, she makes another small note, but she'll stay on track.]

I mean after she ended things for good. After the curse, after she decided she was done for the final time - why do you feel like you're still in limbo?

[unforgivably]

I didn't know I was. I didn't realize it. I was just working. Stefan was off. Lockwood was at the Armory. Alaric has his kids and the school. Life moves on.

( He thinks through it, back to that time, those years. Lydia coming into his orbit. Then Melanie. )

I don't know. I didn't try like last time. I didn't push. I didn't woo. She was - in school and that was out of state. And I bought the Mystic Grille.

[bravebartender]

[She nods slowly as she processes trying to hear what he's saying.]

Were you seeing other people?

[Just a question, not a judgement.]

[unforgivably]

No one special. Not dating, no. Women passed through. I wasn't looking.

( He thinks harder. )

I don't know, Cami. Elena was everything and we didn't work. So, what else was out there. She wasn't dating, either.

[bravebartender]

[She nods, and while she would prefer this doesn't become a comparison between the two of them, they can go back to that later.]

I haven't been a vampire as long as you have, but there's this thing I've noticed, at least for me. I feel like ... when I stopped changing physically, I found it harder to give myself reason to change personally. Like I could change my hair or my style, but I still looked like I did when I was turned at twenty-five. It feels like maybe it's a lot easier to get stuck.

[Does that resonate? Does he feel like he keeps falling into the same patterns?]

[unforgivably]

I never felt stuck. I've never felt stuck. I lived my life. I live my life. But, life revolved around Elena for the both of us. For years. Even when I lied to myself about. Even when I compelled the truth away. Since 2009, my life has revolved around Elena Gilbert. First, it was getting under her skin, much to the chagrin of my brother, then, getting her help with Katherine, and then genuinely helping her. And caring. We became friends. And then she was what everyone was after. The tomb vampires. Katherine. Klaus. And then Stefan went off the rails and I had to look out for her. For him. And then she died. And then she was sire-bound to me and I pushed hard. We were all in a search for the cure for different reasons, but Stefan and me, we wanted Elena to have it. She never wanted to be a vampire. It was my blood in her system.

[bravebartender]

She broke up with you over a decade ago, Damon.

[As much a all that information is, everything he's been through, that doesn't change the facts.]

And it feels like you're still using her to justify all your decisions. That doesn't sound stuck to you?

[unforgivably]

I'm not using her to justify my decisions, but I was, for a long time, stuck on her, even when things were bad. Even when I shouldn't be. That's not easy to break, Cami. But, I'm trying. I'm here. And I don't love her anymore, for the record.

( Which he's never said out loud and it takes the wind out of his righteous sails. )

[bravebartender]

That's good. And I'm not discounting you trying.

[She pauses before trying to figure out how to approach this.]

I know that Elena is going to be a factor in a lot of things. But I think setting a good baseline here, I'd like it if we tried to focus on the things that you're feeling, and not using Elena - or any partner for that matter - as a basis for comparison. "I didn't do this but Elena wasn't doing it either" doesn't actually help get to the root of what you're actually feeling and the real whys of things. Does that make sense?