everyonelives | for the rest of us death will be a relief

( the underground has several tricks up their sleeve when it comes to travel, but taylor's quickie marriage to a route-witch (she follows her heart, shut up) lands her a very nifty tool. and it helps her help others. she wears many hats for the underground, but the one hat she most prefers to wear: therapist and confidant. and, she prefers to do it in person. she finds the subtle nuances are lost over a screen or on a phone, but, in an emergency, or in a pinch, sure, give her a call. she's here. she's always here.

her ~~midwest~~ battlecreek office is funky, like her. one of her gophers (literal, but glamoured to be a helpful human secretary), lets ben know dr. townsend is ready for him, but to take his time, because she knows this is a big step. and it must be taken with seriousness and purpose. )

[Elena's friend Emma is nice and very helpful in helping him navigate the nuances of picking a therapist with supernatural experience. In the end he settles on Dr. Townsend because she does have an office nearby and she seems like she would be a good fit.

But he also knows that this is a process, so if this session doesn't go well, he at least has a back up option. Still, when she gives the signal she's ready for him, he makes his way into the office and nods.]

Dr. Townsend? I'm Ben.

( That office nearby comes with an asterisk, but her patients don't need to know that.

Taylor stands from behind her desk, comes around and gives him a warm handshake. )

Hi Ben, it's good to meet you in person. ( She points to her chair area. She loves saying it. Chair area. It's just fun to say. His choice to sit in the ergonomic chair or one of the comfier ones. Clients do choose differently. She responds accordingly. ) You can pick a seat. Anywhere you'd like.

( One client even sat at her desk. That was a fun one-time only session. )

[He will not take her desk. He will just grab one of the chairs in front of it and looks back at her.]

I've been in therapy before, for context. I just can't go back to my original therapist because she's ... not really qualified for the stuff I have to talk about, you know?

[He feels like sometimes that can cut through a lot of the starting stuff, to let them know he's familiar with the process.]

( They'll work on that. So many seat choices. He chose the obvious. She moves around him and into her chair at her desk, rolling herself in. )

And I get it. Until my twenties, I had a run-of-the-mill therapist, too. Award-winning, but, not ready to handle everything, let's call it, extra in the world. And that's where I come in. Elena let Ms. Tig know that you are dealing with some of the extra. ( she crosses one leg over the other. ) So, just, start wherever you want. I'll jump in with you, how's that?

[Ben nods slowly, but that really is the question, isn't it? Where to start? What will make the most sense in the long run.]

Okay, this is just ... a really long story that we'll probably wind up unpacking in smaller chunks but the basics are this.

When I was eight, I got kidnapped by something called changelings. It basically replaced me to try and eat my mom while the mom held us hostage and ate us but we got saved by this guy my mom used to date and his brother. When I was eleven the guy, Dean, moved in with us for a little bit. He was a hunter so eventually things got complicated but it all kind of culminated with us getting attacked by demons and him deciding that what was best for us was for him not to be in our lives anymore, so he had his angel friend erase all our memories of him and he left.

[A pause because he's not done.]

I recently found out that Dean was my biological father, and that we had all these pictures and stuff of him that we didn't remember, so when we reached out about the paternity stuff, he had his angel friend give us our memories back. So in addition to the really complicated paternity interpersonal stuff, I suddenly got a pile of traumatic memories and a whole lot of anger that I never really processed and I'd like to try and do that without ... biting everyone's head off.

[A beat.]

Mostly Dean's, because he is trying and I can see that but I don't really know how to ... trust him, right now.

[So yeah. That's the gist.]

( Taylor sits back, balancing her notebook and her pen as she listens. He says the word mom three times in his first sentence, but Taylor is nothing if not attentive. She's a very good listener.

She stays quiet, knowing there's more because he obviously knows his memories were tampered with.

She nods along, tapping her pen along her notebook. Opening it, she reveals a fresh page and tilts her head. )

Well, I have to commend you, you sound like you're willing to do the work you need to. And, you're coming at it from a self-aware angle, ( she holds her pen, taking it in both hands, pointing it in his direction ) but I need you to hold real space for the revelations you won't see coming. There are the big ones, your trauma, your anger, your issues with trust, someone rewiring your core memories, but there are going to be deeper things at play, too. I just want to make sure you're really ready to delve into everything. Because there's a lot here, but it's not insurmountable. And, I believe you feel the same - because you wouldn't be here if you didn't. But, I need to hear you say it. And we'll get started on the real work. Okay?

Yeah, I am.

[It's going to get complicated and messy and he knows that, but he wouldn't put himself here unless he was sure he needed it. Because as self-aware as he may be, he still doesn't like exposing himself any more than anyone else.]

I don't ...

[His voice trails off, stopping himself from ending that sentence with "to be Dean." Because that isn't entirely fair. Dean not having the space or tools to figure himself out isn't his fault.]

I don't want to get worse. And I can feel that happening if I keep stewing.

Can I ask, worse than what?

( Worse implies he already believes he's not good. Or, okay. Possibly even before Dean's return to his life. But, Taylor focuses on the question and the answer. Based on what he says, then she'll move forward in that direction.

But she suspects. She had some pathological tendencies she needed to address. )

[He pauses, trying to figure out how to explain.]

When I was a teenager, I was a real shithead. Starting fights, getting into trouble. Really acting out. It was like there was part of me that had to make my issues everyone else's problem. That's why my mom put me in therapy in the first place.

[He gives a small shrug.]

Ever since I got my memories back, it's like I've been dropped back into that mindset again, and I'm really worried that I'm going to wind up punching someone when I'm not supposed to be that guy anymore. I kind of bit my best friend's head off the other day, and it wasn't his fault. It was a lot of stuff he didn't know, and he was trying to help. But I don't want to keep doing that.

You mentioned you'd been in therapy before.

( She jots her first note down. )

What was so out of line?

I was getting into fights.

[Again, not something he's proud of. He wants to think that he's not a violent guy, but sometimes when his anger gets bad, he just wants to swing at something - or occasionally someone.]

For really stupid reasons. I was basically asking for them to provoke me.

I meant, why you bit your best friend's head off, but we can get to that after we tackle the fighting. Sorry for that choice of words. ( She shifts back again, setting her paper and pen down on the desk. ) You knew that provoking people and picking these fights wasn't healthy, that it was self destructive behavior and could lead you into more trouble? Have you ever been arrested? Did you ever face any consequences over your provocations?

Oh, sorry.

[He pauses as he thinks through those consequences.]

I have been arrested, though not for fighting. I did nearly get expelled from school a few times though. Therapy the first time was a requirement for me to not be expelled. So maybe not super harsh consequences, but there were some?

Those count. What changed the first time? What made you kick the habit?

( Maybe if she can see what kernel of a thought helped him movie forward, find his way, there may be a good in to get him back in that headspace. )

Therapy. Having someone objective to talk to really helped, especially in validating what I was feeling while calling out where my actions were hurting me.

[He taps his fingers against his legs.]

I snapped at Dickerson because he was trying to smooth things over between me and Dean without really knowing all of the details because prior to right now, I didn't know all the details. So how could I have told him?

[Ben's lips twitch.]

He also can be a fixer. Which is fine when you have a problem to solve, but not great when you have a lot of feelings you're trying to process and not doing it efficiently.

[Which may be a bit uncharitable so he makes a face.]

I know he's trying to help. But sometimes it can be really frustrating.

Okay, we have thoughts about Dickerson. ( She retrieves her notebook, jotting a few things down. ) It sounds like you're in the right place, at least. For the right reasons. Tell me about Dean. Your father.

[He pauses, taking a breath as he tries to figure out where to start.]

When I first met him, I thought he was the coolest guy I'd ever met. Like none of my mom's boyfriends had ever been that cool. He had this really sick car and he liked the same music I did, and ... he did get me into my first fight but in his defense those kids were picking on me and I needed to stand up for myself.

I was also eight.

[He exhales slowly.]

And when he came back when I was older, things became a lot more complicated. He had just lost his brother so he was really a mess and drinking a lot, but when he started to get better we got really close. Or, I thought we were close, at least. Until his brother came back.

He - encouraged a child to hit someone else.

( Or someone like it. She sets aside all the things she's heard about hunters and any Winchester. She is first and foremost: impartial. )

What happened after his brother came back? Did he lose lose his brother, like he had a falling out or...

They stole my Gameboy and it wasn't the first time they'd taken something of mine and hadn't given it back.

[Telling other adults was not helping. But his tone says he knows it wasn't great but also maybe needed to be done.

But that's also not the point.]

He told us he died. But ... I later learned that for them, that doesn't always stick.

Well, that's not nice of them.

( And she's not here to argue what a kid should and shouldn't do, more how a father shouldn't act. But, with this timeline, he isn't his father, at least not to Ben's knowledge. )

Ben. He didn't tell you he died, he did die. And then it didn't stick. You're saying, 'He told us he died,' like he lied. He thought his brother was dead. Do you think that was part of the reason that he was able to... come back to you and to your mom?

With Dean it's kind of hard to tell.

[What's a lie and what's not. He played his cards so close to the chest and it's hard to tell what's said to placate or what's said because he needs a plausible story.]

But also, I didn't understand the way his world worked back then. I still don't know. I just know he said Sam was dead one day and then about a year later, Sam showed up on our front porch and Dean left and ... it wasn't the same after that.

You never asked Dean what happened to his brother? Or why he left when he showed back up?

( She thinks about that. )

I think a lot of this pent up frustration will alleviate once you get answers to the questions you've been asking yourself, even without knowing. Subconsciously, you've been carrying this question of being worth the truth, or the different path. You're not a kid anymore, but it will take two. The mountain doesn't come to Mohammed, does it?

I did. He either didn't want to talk about it or he just called it "work" and didn't elaborate. He ...

[He takes a deep breath because how to explain it.]

It felt like he wanted to keep us in this box, so that none of the other pieces of his life would touch it. He never told us anything, or really taught us how to protect ourselves if something happened. It's like we were just there for when he wanted to be there, but he could put us away when he didn't.

[He drums his fingers against his leg.]

Maybe he would talk about it now, but I'm not sure I need him to clarify it now. I needed it then.

I might disagree. If you get answers to the context you're lacking, that may help you in the present. It might refocus what happened. Maybe he wasn't intending to put you in that box, but that is how it felt for you. And he was never asked, not by you, anyway. Maybe he should be.

( A lot of this matters. )

I'm just asking you to... not dismiss the questions you do have. They're important. How was Dean's relationship with your mom?

therapy | ben braeden and dr. townsend

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