everyonelives | but oh what a year

I'm not just here for you. Or, Sam Winchester or what your uncle and your dad do, but yeah, I have questions.

( A ton of damn questions. )

My own questions, not. I'm not playing the protective best friend here. Just - being the best friend. If that's still cool.

It's fine. And Sam's a good person to ask.

[He knows a lot and he also trusts Sam not to let Dickerson get in over his head and get himself killed. Granted, this all hinges on Dickerson actually talking to Sam when the time for actual danger comes, but for now, in the beginning, it'll work out.]

He knows a lot.

Yeah, okay. I'll chew the fat with him at the party. If I get the chance. We got time beforehand, though, right?

( He needs to get some solid nap time in. )

Yeah, we got time. Probably shouldn't show up early anyway.

[Better to mix in when most of the people have shown versus being the weirdos who show up early.]

K, then. Move over, beanpole.

( He's got to get some temporary shut-eye. He's gotta look his best as his shoulder support. And maybe to Q & A properly. )

[Ben snorts, but does as asked, shifting over so that Dickerson has space to fit next to him. Once the other man is settled, he drops down next to him and stares up at the ceiling.]

It seems like there's going to be a lot of fucking people.

[And part of him is a little nervous about that. About the connections to his father that he may not understand, like Cordelia.]

( He covers his face with his arm, but listens to Ben's fretting. )

Big guest list. You can stay close so it's only half as awkward. Anybody you're worried about in particular? You already got grandma time in.

[He considers, because it's not really Dean's people he's concerned with. He knows what to expect there. What does worry him though is:]

Elena's people seem a little ... upscale.

Because one of her people is named after the entire property? Pretty sure everyone's still small town.

( But, they are both a bit rough around the edges. )

Yeah, but swanky small town is different than other small towns.

[Ben shakes his head.]

Elena's cool, so I'm sure it will be fine. I'm just ... nervous.

[It's also a big step that Dean is letting him in this way, instead of keeping him out on the outskirts. It is a big step, even if it may not feel like it to other people.]

( He moves his arm off his head and turns his entire body, laying on his side, one hand slipping under the pillow. )

Only natural to be nervous. You don't always do great at parties. Or, go to parties.

I do fine in parties.

[He pauses, because how to explain this.]

He never really introduced us to his people before. He always kept us separate.

You do you at parties, but you don't do parties. You do, gatherings. Groups. Hangs. And, hey, you're a great hang.

( He nods at that, sighing. )

What I hear is good. You wouldn't be nervous if it weren't. Or, you'd be nervous for the wrong reason.

( He lays there, a lopsided smile on his face. This is probably the first time in a long time he's felt this flutter in his heart, the soul in Ben's eyes, and the reminder that Ben looks like Ben. But, he doesn't know what to do with it, because Ben just knows him, but he's not going to bullshit.

He's just - fuck - yeah, fine, he basks a bit. )

You wanna c'mere?

[Ben turns to face him at the question, and for a moment he just studies him, trying to read between the lines and see what he's actually asking. Because there's what he thinks it is, and Ben willfully misreading it because of something that he wants and won't put words to.

Instead, all he can manage is:]

What?

( He can't hide the audible sigh. )

Get closer. ( He waits for the subsequent amount of acceptable seconds before he stamps his addition. ) Move closer to. Shift. ( A soft, whispered, ) Damn it, Braeden, ( slips out before he does it for him and collides with his best friend, trying his lips on for size. if he were lying to himself, he wouldn't say this almost happened once or ten times, but honest or dishonest, he's also been one for the moment. maybe part of him wants to help release all this tension, but, really, he's just ready to let it all go. )

[For a moment, Ben responds like Dickerson may want him to. He kisses him back, because he isn't unfeeling, isn't saying that he hasn't had similar thoughts. But it lasts not even a minute before reality catches up, and his response turns into a hand on Dickerson's chest, pushing him back and trying to shove down the anger that is threatening to bubble up.]

What are you doing?

I'm - isn't it obvious, Braeden.

( They're laying here in this bed. Close. He's tense. He's got all this tension and nervousness. He's trying to be there for him. )

I've wanted to do it for a while now.

So you pick now.

[He pulls away, trying to give himself some distance because he can feel his anger rising, and he doesn't want to start yelling, because there's no telling who's on the other side of those walls.]

You pick now, when I'm already stressed enough about my dad and everything that's going on. Now's the time when you decide it might be a good idea to kiss me.

[He studies his friend's face, trying to see what exactly the end game was here.]

What, did you think that would help?

( He flinches, pulling himself up to a sitting position. Well, this reads as a big mistake, and he awaits the inevitable blow. )

... Yeah. Distract you. A little. So, you're not so nervous. Or worried.

( He wanted to relax him. His arms rest on his knees, careful about what he says next. )

I wanted you to stress less.

Yeah. Fundamentally changing our relationship will totally calm me down. What a good idea.

[That's sarcasm, for the record. He definitely does not think that this was a good idea.]

Jesus, man, it's like you don't -

[Listen. You don't listen to him, is what he wants to say. You won't let him sit in any kind of discomfort, even when it feels like that's what he needs to do. And the fact that he does this to calm him down, that he thinks that everything will just be fine only makes him angrier.]

Did you really think that you could just kiss me and everything would be fine? And nothing would change at all?

Hey.

( No, he got it and he slips off the bed to stand, because, dude. )

What, I don't --

( Care? Know how to be a good friend? )

That everything would be fine? Ben, it didn't have to - ( He pauses, bringing down the volume, because, damn it. Why does he always follow his impulse. And he doesn't even mean what he was about to say, turning away, because he needs to - he doesn't know what he needs to do. ) I did what I wanted. And that's the problem. ( He nods to himself, finally facing him again. ) Look, I'm sorry for not thinking about you, because I thought I was thinking about you.

That's the thing, though. I don't need you to think about me. I need you to listen to me. Without trying to fix it, or looking for the problem that needs solving.

[With this comes unfair thoughts that probably aren't true. That he's just another person that Dickerson felt he could roll into, getting chosen because Ben is comfortable and safe, not because he's actually wanted. The problem is, Ben doesn't know what to think. He doesn't know what to read into any of this.]

I don't need you to fix me, dude. And I definitely don't need you kissing me because it will put me in state that you deem to be the right one. Because that's what it actually feels like.

[He needs to get out of this room.]

That's not what I - I'm not manipulating you, man, I like you, and yeah, maybe I had shit timing - but don't make this something it isn't. I don't want to fix you, you don't need to be fixed. I happen to think you're a pretty damn great guy, dude. I'm sorry.

( So, that's what Ben thinks, that Dickerson finds someone to fix? A problem that needs solving? To - what? Avoid his own? )

I know you're going through it and I'm sorry I kissed you. No, I'm not sorry I kissed you, I'm sorry it was now when I kissed you and not the damn first night we met.

( He beelines it to the bathroom. Getting worked up always goes through him like liquid anger. )

I need to take a piss.

( He slams the door behind himself, knowing that when he emerges, Ben won't be there. )

Fuck.

[Ben flinches at the door slam and feels his heartbeat ringing in his ears. He's too angry to be able to process any of that. He needs to be somewhere else, not in this cramped space with feelings he doesn't know how to handle.

So he does go. There's a second door slam as he leaves the room, and another, softer door close as he leaves the B&B entirely.

Fresh air. Fresh air will help him get his shit together, and try to figure out how to feel.]

( Dickerson stays in the bathroom a long time as he cools off. He braces himself against the sink and then decides he needs to wash the last ten minutes away, so he starts the shower. He takes a quick one, just letting the hot water cascade over him as he stands under the showerhead.

Emerging, he picks his Christmas party fit, because they still have a party to go to. Dressed, he sits on the edge of the fucking shared bed they have. )

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