( Dean recognizes Rudy's look, knows that when Rudy perched himself on the arm of the couch that he was going into shrink mode. But, he slammed himself back into Lisa's and Ben's lives without asking. He's playing with the only deck he knows - in the middle of another supernatural shit storm outside of this house. So, he stands and he takes his lumps.
Rudy believes him. Maybe, he says. And then he calls him out on his decision to erase himself completely. Rudy wasn't there. And maybe there is a smaller, quieter, more bitter and selfish part of Dean that made the "easier" decision. He left them and martyred himself. But he didn't have to talk possession or dead new boyfriend, not to mention their last conversation on the phone together.
He knew he'd always choose Sam.
And then Rudy goes in two directions and Dean bristles when he implies Dean doesn't care. He quickly dispels that idea, only to stab Dean with his second. )
What do they give shrinks? Teachers get gold stars. Guess shrinks get... second appointments?
( He takes a labored breath. )
So what does that tell you about me? Bigger picture.
I think it tells me that maybe you're not exactly used to being people's first choice. Maybe a parental figure where there were always higher priorities and not enough room for you.
[He's guessing. That's usually happens when a person sees themselves as more of a problem than a part of the family.]
But here's the thing, Dean. You're going to have to decide what you want. What's worth it for you to fight for. If you put in the work to make Ben forgive you and then you leave again because you decide you're imposing, he won't forgive you again. And Ben deserves to have a father who wants to be in his life, for better or worse. That's decided that he's not worth giving up.
[Ben starts to stir slightly and Rudy's attention is drawn away, so he caps this little mini therapy session with:]
( or, he was that parental figure's leftover choice. Sam bailed, so he became dad's favorite. and he was never dad's favorite. never able to actually make the man proud. always held at arm's length.
he's not about to make another declaration. whatever he says, rudy's just going to nod skeptically at, so instead, he nods. doesn't confirm nor deny. only... takes it all in.
he has a lot to unpack with everyone else, but he knows one thing. he's not fucking it up with ben if ben doesn't let him.
but saying that only takes him so far.
lisa doesn't stir just yet, dean sees, as he focuses his attention on his son. a foreign, crazy concept. and he already just wants to make sure nothing ever hurts him again. even if that means dean, too. )
[Ben blinks his eyes open, staring at the ceiling as the memories taken from him slip back into place - starting with his eighth birthday party, all the way to the "car accident" that he now knows was very much not a car accident.
But he also remembers all the phone calls, all the moments where he, in his childish way, reached out to try and get this man who blew into their lives like a hurricane to just wait in the eye of it with him for just a little bit longer. Maybe there was a part of him that always knew that Dean would walk away one day, like her mom's past boyfriends, but there was a part of him that hoped that Dean would at least stay for him.
When his eyes land on Dean, the anger has faded to something softer, and he blinks away almost immediately, pushing himself slowly up into a sitting position and not stopping when he feels Rudy's hand on his shoulder.]
I'm fine.
["Sure you are." Rudy does not sound very convinced but he'll let Ben believe it.]
( Dean hopes it doesn't hurt as much as he knows it does, but gives him the physical and emotional space he needs. Because he can't give him anything else. He doesn't even know what to give him and he knows how Ben will take it. (Maybe he doesn't, but that self-fulfilling prophecy in the back of his mind is really working overtime.)
He doesn't wince, just - lets Ben sit. Lets it all sink. )
You're not. It's okay.
( It's not.
But he doesn't expect him to be anything other than not okay. )
Is it? Because I'm really pissed at you right now.
[But it's a different kind of anger than the empty, frustrated anger he had before - that has colored every conversation they had since Dean came clean about what happened. This anger is a little more personal, a little more hurt, more understanding of what was lost in the process.]
[He hears the apology, but he's not ready to acknowledge it, not yet. He's still feeling the feelings that have been removed from him for the last twenty years, give or take.]
So you put us somewhere safe, that doesn't mean you get your angel friend to root around in my memories and take you out.
[It wasn't my fault, why was I the one punished is on the tip of his tongue, but he forces it back.]
It was my life, Dean. You don't get to rewrite it without at least having a damn conversation first. I don't care if I was a kid.
( His "fine" tone rouses his mother, behind Rudy as she comes to. Her eyes cross Dean and soften when they land on her son, letting him rant.
Inside the kitchen, Dickerson stops mid-sentence about vampires, leaving Elena and instinctively returning to the living room. (Assuming Elena might follow.)
Lisa doesn't need a shouting match here this morning and she thinks everyone should go to their corners, so she stands up.
"Dean, I think you should leave now."
He looks back at Rudy, to Ben, Lisa, back to Dick, then finding Elena. Back to Ben. )
( Dean wants to hug the kid. His kid. But he knows nothing will be accomplished right now. It can't be. Too many hurt feelings all around and a live-in therapist. The best friend doesn't help, either.
He drives Elena back to the hotel in silence and lets her check in. Once they reach their room, he drops his hastily packed bag down and sighs. )
[Elena glances briefly at her watch before looking back at him.]
It's not quite noon yet. Bar probably isn't open.
[Her tone is gentle, not judging because after the morning they've had, she'd probably want a drink too. Which is why she she head to the mini-bar instead and hold up one of the little whiskeys.]
But we could try the mini-bar instead? And maybe talk about it a little, where you don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings?
( Right. Hotel bars. There's probably one nearby and he changes his plan in his mind before watching her move to the little mini bar.
She's right. He's following the shit end of his instincts. He still needs to call Sam. He's not his dad. His dad wouldn't have cared enough to erase anyone's memories. He would've left the devastation. )
He should be angry with me. They should both be. From their end. Twenty-some years later. But I'm getting raked over the calls for a split second decision I felt like I had to make?
Dean moves to grab two empty glasses and brings them over to Elena and the mini bar. He hopes there's a little ice bucket, too.
He doesn't wait for her to pour it, however, he just paces back. )
It makes me the bad guy. I don't mind being the bad guy. I fit the bill, but the last person I want to be. With him. -- I can't be the bad guy in his story Elena. Did I fuck this up before it even started?
[She does pour, and there is a bucket but for now it's empty. She'll run and get some after they talk. She passes one glass over to him before shrugging.]
I think you fucked up, but I don't think it's beyond repair. I think if you give them some time to breathe, you'll be able to find a place to start.
[She tips her head to the side as she watches him.]
[She's not asking for an answer she likes. She just wants to know the truth. She takes a deep breath, before making her way closer, leaning next to him as she figures out how to phrase this.]
Why erase yourself completely? Why not invent a breakup or give them a nicer ending than it actually had?
[For all the times that there's been compulsion involved, she's never tried to erase the trauma completely. Just tried to give it nicer edges, to help that person move on.]
( She knows how her son must feel, her own head swirls with memories also taken away. Including a clear memory of getting Dean out of town as fast as she could. She remembers telling Dean Ben wasn't his definitively. But also inviting him for a longer weekend should he want one.
And then he was back in their lives. And broken. And then gone all over again.
And she remembers their phone call. She remembers it all.
She goes to the door and locks it behind them before turning around. )
He wasn't lying. Obviously. He was with Ben and me for over a year. And he took that away.
( She laughs to herself, playing it all back. Remembering two nights before. How she was just a candidate for mayor and a business owner with a husband and a son. And now she's Lisa Braeden, Dean Winchester's ex-girlfriend whose memory he tampered with. )
I don't like what I remember, especially at the end. I -- see why he did what he did. That doesn't make it okay.
( And she feels like she owes her son a conversation, too. )
We could defend ourselves. He taught us things. He -- could've put us in even more danger. We never moved. What was stopping that demo --
( She stops herself. )
I remember what happened at the end and, it wasn't good.
( She brings a hand to her head. )
And now my head is reeling. I want to book us all tattoo appointments... ( she frowns, bringing her hand down. ) But, Ben beat us to that. That's one of them. I remember it. Something got through to you.
[Rudy moves closer, placing his hands on her shoulders gently for support and giving them a soft squeeze. When she draws attention to the tattoo, however, he pushes up his sleeve and studies the anti-possession ink mixed in with everything else.
Yeah, something stuck alright. He just wished he understood what that meant.
He drops down onto the couch, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.]
( She lets herself sink into him for a second while Dickerson moves and sits beside his best friend on the couch. Neither of them know just what to say yet, if there's even one thing to say vs the million things they both could.
Lisa turns her head to face her son and Dickerson, still in Rudy's arms. )
We wanted them back. If that makes us fucked, then it's up to us to figure out how to unfuck everything. Not him. Not this time.
[Ben lets out a deep breath as he sags into the couch, head spinning. A small part of him, the little kid Dean left behind, does want Dean to come back and fix it. Wants to believe that if he does everything will be fine.
But that emotional problem isn't his to untangle, so he's going to focus on what he can fix.]
Everyone needs to get tattoos.
[Rudy pauses, before looking a little green. "Does it have to be a tattoo?" He has a small thing with needles. It's a little embarrassing, but there is a reason why he's a therapist and not a physician, aside from his A+ people skills.]
( Dickerson just looks past his buddy to Rudy and then his mom and back.
"Everybody everybody?"
His unasked 'Why' lingers in the air between everyone, but his eyebrows say everything.
Lisa leans back. )
I'll be there. You can get it anywhere, and I will be right next to you or in front of you or wherever you need me, okay?
("We get to pick the subject of the tattoo?" Dickerson asks, still confused.
Lisa looks back at her son. )
You're getting that. You're both getting that. It... will keep us - all of us from being possessed. By a demon. Which happened to me. The "car accident."
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everyonelives2025-03-12 08:39 pm
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Rudy believes him. Maybe, he says. And then he calls him out on his decision to erase himself completely. Rudy wasn't there. And maybe there is a smaller, quieter, more bitter and selfish part of Dean that made the "easier" decision. He left them and martyred himself. But he didn't have to talk possession or dead new boyfriend, not to mention their last conversation on the phone together.
He knew he'd always choose Sam.
And then Rudy goes in two directions and Dean bristles when he implies Dean doesn't care. He quickly dispels that idea, only to stab Dean with his second. )
What do they give shrinks? Teachers get gold stars. Guess shrinks get... second appointments?
( He takes a labored breath. )
So what does that tell you about me? Bigger picture.
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[He's guessing. That's usually happens when a person sees themselves as more of a problem than a part of the family.]
But here's the thing, Dean. You're going to have to decide what you want. What's worth it for you to fight for. If you put in the work to make Ben forgive you and then you leave again because you decide you're imposing, he won't forgive you again. And Ben deserves to have a father who wants to be in his life, for better or worse. That's decided that he's not worth giving up.
[Ben starts to stir slightly and Rudy's attention is drawn away, so he caps this little mini therapy session with:]
Just something to think about.
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he's not about to make another declaration. whatever he says, rudy's just going to nod skeptically at, so instead, he nods. doesn't confirm nor deny. only... takes it all in.
he has a lot to unpack with everyone else, but he knows one thing. he's not fucking it up with ben if ben doesn't let him.
but saying that only takes him so far.
lisa doesn't stir just yet, dean sees, as he focuses his attention on his son. a foreign, crazy concept. and he already just wants to make sure nothing ever hurts him again. even if that means dean, too. )
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But he also remembers all the phone calls, all the moments where he, in his childish way, reached out to try and get this man who blew into their lives like a hurricane to just wait in the eye of it with him for just a little bit longer. Maybe there was a part of him that always knew that Dean would walk away one day, like her mom's past boyfriends, but there was a part of him that hoped that Dean would at least stay for him.
When his eyes land on Dean, the anger has faded to something softer, and he blinks away almost immediately, pushing himself slowly up into a sitting position and not stopping when he feels Rudy's hand on his shoulder.]
I'm fine.
["Sure you are." Rudy does not sound very convinced but he'll let Ben believe it.]
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He doesn't wince, just - lets Ben sit. Lets it all sink. )
You're not. It's okay.
( It's not.
But he doesn't expect him to be anything other than not okay. )
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[But it's a different kind of anger than the empty, frustrated anger he had before - that has colored every conversation they had since Dean came clean about what happened. This anger is a little more personal, a little more hurt, more understanding of what was lost in the process.]
That wasn't yours to take.
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I made a call. Lisa almost died. You were both in danger.
( They're in mixed company or he might dig deeper, might make more excused. )
I'm sorry.
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[He hears the apology, but he's not ready to acknowledge it, not yet. He's still feeling the feelings that have been removed from him for the last twenty years, give or take.]
So you put us somewhere safe, that doesn't mean you get your angel friend to root around in my memories and take you out.
[It wasn't my fault, why was I the one punished is on the tip of his tongue, but he forces it back.]
It was my life, Dean. You don't get to rewrite it without at least having a damn conversation first. I don't care if I was a kid.
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Inside the kitchen, Dickerson stops mid-sentence about vampires, leaving Elena and instinctively returning to the living room. (Assuming Elena might follow.)
Lisa doesn't need a shouting match here this morning and she thinks everyone should go to their corners, so she stands up.
"Dean, I think you should leave now."
He looks back at Rudy, to Ben, Lisa, back to Dick, then finding Elena. Back to Ben. )
I'll give you some time.
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[He turns away as he tries to catch his breath a bit, while Elena moves forward and reaches to take Dean's hand in hers.
"It was nice meeting you. I left the hotel we're staying at with Dickerson if you need anything."
But with that, she will let Dean take her back to the car, leaving the Braedans to sort out the pieces of their lives they just got back.]
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He drives Elena back to the hotel in silence and lets her check in. Once they reach their room, he drops his hastily packed bag down and sighs. )
Think I'll check out the bar downstairs.
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It's not quite noon yet. Bar probably isn't open.
[Her tone is gentle, not judging because after the morning they've had, she'd probably want a drink too. Which is why she she head to the mini-bar instead and hold up one of the little whiskeys.]
But we could try the mini-bar instead? And maybe talk about it a little, where you don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings?
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She's right. He's following the shit end of his instincts. He still needs to call Sam. He's not his dad. His dad wouldn't have cared enough to erase anyone's memories. He would've left the devastation. )
He should be angry with me. They should both be. From their end. Twenty-some years later. But I'm getting raked over the calls for a split second decision I felt like I had to make?
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[She's been there. She's messed with her own brothers memories more than once under the guise of protecting him.]
I think it's an instinct we all - trying to do what we think is best or easier, based on what's within our power to do.
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Dean moves to grab two empty glasses and brings them over to Elena and the mini bar. He hopes there's a little ice bucket, too.
He doesn't wait for her to pour it, however, he just paces back. )
It makes me the bad guy. I don't mind being the bad guy. I fit the bill, but the last person I want to be. With him. -- I can't be the bad guy in his story Elena. Did I fuck this up before it even started?
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I think you fucked up, but I don't think it's beyond repair. I think if you give them some time to breathe, you'll be able to find a place to start.
[She tips her head to the side as she watches him.]
Can I ask you something?
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You might not like the answer.
( But that's never stopped either of them. )
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Why erase yourself completely? Why not invent a breakup or give them a nicer ending than it actually had?
[For all the times that there's been compulsion involved, she's never tried to erase the trauma completely. Just tried to give it nicer edges, to help that person move on.]
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And then he was back in their lives. And broken. And then gone all over again.
And she remembers their phone call. She remembers it all.
She goes to the door and locks it behind them before turning around. )
He wasn't lying. Obviously. He was with Ben and me for over a year. And he took that away.
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[He hasn't exactly been shy with his feelings and Rudy doesn't blame him. It's a lot to take in and wrestle with, side conversation with Dean aside.]
How are you doing?
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I don't like what I remember, especially at the end. I -- see why he did what he did. That doesn't make it okay.
( And she feels like she owes her son a conversation, too. )
We could defend ourselves. He taught us things. He -- could've put us in even more danger. We never moved. What was stopping that demo --
( She stops herself. )
I remember what happened at the end and, it wasn't good.
( She brings a hand to her head. )
And now my head is reeling. I want to book us all tattoo appointments... ( she frowns, bringing her hand down. ) But, Ben beat us to that. That's one of them. I remember it. Something got through to you.
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Yeah, something stuck alright. He just wished he understood what that meant.
He drops down onto the couch, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.]
This is all fucked.
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Lisa turns her head to face her son and Dickerson, still in Rudy's arms. )
We wanted them back. If that makes us fucked, then it's up to us to figure out how to unfuck everything. Not him. Not this time.
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But that emotional problem isn't his to untangle, so he's going to focus on what he can fix.]
Everyone needs to get tattoos.
[Rudy pauses, before looking a little green. "Does it have to be a tattoo?" He has a small thing with needles. It's a little embarrassing, but there is a reason why he's a therapist and not a physician, aside from his A+ people skills.]
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"Everybody everybody?"
His unasked 'Why' lingers in the air between everyone, but his eyebrows say everything.
Lisa leans back. )
I'll be there. You can get it anywhere, and I will be right next to you or in front of you or wherever you need me, okay?
( "We get to pick the subject of the tattoo?" Dickerson asks, still confused.
Lisa looks back at her son. )
You're getting that. You're both getting that. It... will keep us - all of us from being possessed. By a demon. Which happened to me. The "car accident."
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