[Elena glances back over at Dean before nodding and following Dickerson into the kitchen to answer all of his questions. Unfortunately most of her experience is in terms of werewolves, vampires and witches so who knows how helpful she'll actually be.
Rudy glances up at Dean, considering his statement before shrugging.]
It wasn't about me.
[It was about Lisa and Ben. They were the ones steering this ship.]
You said you did this because they were in danger - will this put them in danger again?
[There wasn't a way that they weren't going to get their memories back. But Rudy wants to know what the risks are.]
( Dickerson goes in a supernatural phillistine, but she'll awaken a new side to him that will give Ben a good partner in crime if he wants to delve into this life further. He doesn't half-ass anything. )
Unless Ben and Lisa decide to pack it in and live the life of a hunter, they shouldn't be. My footprint's not as big as it once was and, let's just say, the world doesn't revolve around me, anymore. ( He doesn't feel like that satisfies, though. ) He's my kid. Whatever that means to him, or whatever he lets it mean or wants it to mean, I'll be all in. ( But, they can work on it or discuss it, or Dean can be kicked out.
And even though Rudy doesn't ask. ) I didn't know. About Ben. But, I do know now. And. It means something. ( A beat. He also knows he's out on a short limb, but. ) Who's the guy in the kitchen packing heat?
( He doesn't have the right, does he. But of course he noticed the carrier. Rudy is Lisa's husband. Him, though? )
[Rudy pauses as he considers, because he knows Ben's mental space. He knows what he was saying before he got his memories back and while he can't say he fully knows Ben enough to know how the boy that remembers is going to feel, he can say that there's a lot of hurt Dean will have to make up for.]
I appreciate that, Dean. I do. But even if we put the memory manipulation aside, you still left a kid who loved you and you didn't give him a chance for closure or to say goodbye. And even without remembering you in his life, Ben was already angry about how all this was shaking out. If I'm honest, I think you have a pretty steep uphill climb ahead of you before you get that trust back.
[He's not saying it's impossible. Nothing is impossible, if people are willing to put the work in. But it feels fair to warn him. Even with that warning, there's nothing in his tone that's admonishing or judgmental. Shame doesn't make people do better, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't say what they did wrong.]
I've had steeper. ( But, he knows what he's up against. ) I'll take my licks. And I can stay away, be there if he needs me. When. ( He's not being subtle. But, he knows that in his life, it's always when. ) I'm not stupid. I know it changes nothing. But, at least he knows. At least... I know.
[There's a head tilt as he moves to perch on the arm of the couch. One that his long-term patients usually recognize as trouble coming (for them) but Rudy isn't one to shy away from the hard questions.]
It seems to have changed a lot for you. After all, it seems to be the thing that brought you back.
[He understands that blood ties matter, but because of that it doesn't really seem like Dean is doing this out of the goodness of his heart.]
Since things seem to have shifted for you now, would there ever have been a time that you gave them their memories back simply because they belong to them and they should have them?
( He means for Ben, but, shit, is he being shrank? He uncomfortably looks away, kicks at a part of the carpet that came up from moving the table. He moves the table back, sighs, stands, and faces Rudy again. )
Without them coming to me, no. But, I don't just invite people into my world. It's been twenty years and my life never got less complicated. I've died. My brother's died. The world's nearly ended. Back of my mind, I hoped Lisa and Ben led good lives. But, Lisa always said he wasn't mine. And maybe that makes me an ass that he is and I'm here. But, if he had found everything and reached out. Blood or no blood, I'd be right here, Rudy.
[Rudy nods slowly, because he does believe him. But he picks up on that interesting note that Elena side stepped earlier.]
We haven't known each other very long. But if you want to be part of Ben's life, then we're going to have to get used to each other, and ... I hear what you're saying, Dean. That you did this to protect them. And maybe, I do think there is some of that.
[But he can't help but dig a little bit deeper.]
But there are ways you could have done that without erasing your existence from their minds. You could have just said your goodbyes and walked away and Ben would have been upset, but he would have dealt with it. Plus taking away the knowledge of the danger is a questionable means of keeping them safe.
[The logic isn't quite there for him, were it not for one other thing.]
To me, choosing to erase yourself could mean two things: one, you don't care enough about them to be remembered, and wanted to get away without having to manage their feelings or be bothered by them again. But that doesn't ring quite true because Ben makes one phone call and you're here the next day. So that leaves the second option.
[He pauses before looking back at him again.]
That you see yourself as more of an imposition in their lives than actually a part of it, and you felt that you were relieving them of a burden.
( Dean recognizes Rudy's look, knows that when Rudy perched himself on the arm of the couch that he was going into shrink mode. But, he slammed himself back into Lisa's and Ben's lives without asking. He's playing with the only deck he knows - in the middle of another supernatural shit storm outside of this house. So, he stands and he takes his lumps.
Rudy believes him. Maybe, he says. And then he calls him out on his decision to erase himself completely. Rudy wasn't there. And maybe there is a smaller, quieter, more bitter and selfish part of Dean that made the "easier" decision. He left them and martyred himself. But he didn't have to talk possession or dead new boyfriend, not to mention their last conversation on the phone together.
He knew he'd always choose Sam.
And then Rudy goes in two directions and Dean bristles when he implies Dean doesn't care. He quickly dispels that idea, only to stab Dean with his second. )
What do they give shrinks? Teachers get gold stars. Guess shrinks get... second appointments?
( He takes a labored breath. )
So what does that tell you about me? Bigger picture.
I think it tells me that maybe you're not exactly used to being people's first choice. Maybe a parental figure where there were always higher priorities and not enough room for you.
[He's guessing. That's usually happens when a person sees themselves as more of a problem than a part of the family.]
But here's the thing, Dean. You're going to have to decide what you want. What's worth it for you to fight for. If you put in the work to make Ben forgive you and then you leave again because you decide you're imposing, he won't forgive you again. And Ben deserves to have a father who wants to be in his life, for better or worse. That's decided that he's not worth giving up.
[Ben starts to stir slightly and Rudy's attention is drawn away, so he caps this little mini therapy session with:]
( or, he was that parental figure's leftover choice. Sam bailed, so he became dad's favorite. and he was never dad's favorite. never able to actually make the man proud. always held at arm's length.
he's not about to make another declaration. whatever he says, rudy's just going to nod skeptically at, so instead, he nods. doesn't confirm nor deny. only... takes it all in.
he has a lot to unpack with everyone else, but he knows one thing. he's not fucking it up with ben if ben doesn't let him.
but saying that only takes him so far.
lisa doesn't stir just yet, dean sees, as he focuses his attention on his son. a foreign, crazy concept. and he already just wants to make sure nothing ever hurts him again. even if that means dean, too. )
[Ben blinks his eyes open, staring at the ceiling as the memories taken from him slip back into place - starting with his eighth birthday party, all the way to the "car accident" that he now knows was very much not a car accident.
But he also remembers all the phone calls, all the moments where he, in his childish way, reached out to try and get this man who blew into their lives like a hurricane to just wait in the eye of it with him for just a little bit longer. Maybe there was a part of him that always knew that Dean would walk away one day, like her mom's past boyfriends, but there was a part of him that hoped that Dean would at least stay for him.
When his eyes land on Dean, the anger has faded to something softer, and he blinks away almost immediately, pushing himself slowly up into a sitting position and not stopping when he feels Rudy's hand on his shoulder.]
I'm fine.
["Sure you are." Rudy does not sound very convinced but he'll let Ben believe it.]
( Dean hopes it doesn't hurt as much as he knows it does, but gives him the physical and emotional space he needs. Because he can't give him anything else. He doesn't even know what to give him and he knows how Ben will take it. (Maybe he doesn't, but that self-fulfilling prophecy in the back of his mind is really working overtime.)
He doesn't wince, just - lets Ben sit. Lets it all sink. )
You're not. It's okay.
( It's not.
But he doesn't expect him to be anything other than not okay. )
Is it? Because I'm really pissed at you right now.
[But it's a different kind of anger than the empty, frustrated anger he had before - that has colored every conversation they had since Dean came clean about what happened. This anger is a little more personal, a little more hurt, more understanding of what was lost in the process.]
[He hears the apology, but he's not ready to acknowledge it, not yet. He's still feeling the feelings that have been removed from him for the last twenty years, give or take.]
So you put us somewhere safe, that doesn't mean you get your angel friend to root around in my memories and take you out.
[It wasn't my fault, why was I the one punished is on the tip of his tongue, but he forces it back.]
It was my life, Dean. You don't get to rewrite it without at least having a damn conversation first. I don't care if I was a kid.
( His "fine" tone rouses his mother, behind Rudy as she comes to. Her eyes cross Dean and soften when they land on her son, letting him rant.
Inside the kitchen, Dickerson stops mid-sentence about vampires, leaving Elena and instinctively returning to the living room. (Assuming Elena might follow.)
Lisa doesn't need a shouting match here this morning and she thinks everyone should go to their corners, so she stands up.
"Dean, I think you should leave now."
He looks back at Rudy, to Ben, Lisa, back to Dick, then finding Elena. Back to Ben. )
( Dean wants to hug the kid. His kid. But he knows nothing will be accomplished right now. It can't be. Too many hurt feelings all around and a live-in therapist. The best friend doesn't help, either.
He drives Elena back to the hotel in silence and lets her check in. Once they reach their room, he drops his hastily packed bag down and sighs. )
[Elena glances briefly at her watch before looking back at him.]
It's not quite noon yet. Bar probably isn't open.
[Her tone is gentle, not judging because after the morning they've had, she'd probably want a drink too. Which is why she she head to the mini-bar instead and hold up one of the little whiskeys.]
But we could try the mini-bar instead? And maybe talk about it a little, where you don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings?
( Right. Hotel bars. There's probably one nearby and he changes his plan in his mind before watching her move to the little mini bar.
She's right. He's following the shit end of his instincts. He still needs to call Sam. He's not his dad. His dad wouldn't have cared enough to erase anyone's memories. He would've left the devastation. )
He should be angry with me. They should both be. From their end. Twenty-some years later. But I'm getting raked over the calls for a split second decision I felt like I had to make?
( She knows how her son must feel, her own head swirls with memories also taken away. Including a clear memory of getting Dean out of town as fast as she could. She remembers telling Dean Ben wasn't his definitively. But also inviting him for a longer weekend should he want one.
And then he was back in their lives. And broken. And then gone all over again.
And she remembers their phone call. She remembers it all.
She goes to the door and locks it behind them before turning around. )
He wasn't lying. Obviously. He was with Ben and me for over a year. And he took that away.
( She laughs to herself, playing it all back. Remembering two nights before. How she was just a candidate for mayor and a business owner with a husband and a son. And now she's Lisa Braeden, Dean Winchester's ex-girlfriend whose memory he tampered with. )
I don't like what I remember, especially at the end. I -- see why he did what he did. That doesn't make it okay.
( And she feels like she owes her son a conversation, too. )
We could defend ourselves. He taught us things. He -- could've put us in even more danger. We never moved. What was stopping that demo --
( She stops herself. )
I remember what happened at the end and, it wasn't good.
( She brings a hand to her head. )
And now my head is reeling. I want to book us all tattoo appointments... ( she frowns, bringing her hand down. ) But, Ben beat us to that. That's one of them. I remember it. Something got through to you.
[Rudy moves closer, placing his hands on her shoulders gently for support and giving them a soft squeeze. When she draws attention to the tattoo, however, he pushes up his sleeve and studies the anti-possession ink mixed in with everything else.
Yeah, something stuck alright. He just wished he understood what that meant.
He drops down onto the couch, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.]
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bravebartender) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
everyonelives2025-03-12 08:39 pm
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Rudy glances up at Dean, considering his statement before shrugging.]
It wasn't about me.
[It was about Lisa and Ben. They were the ones steering this ship.]
You said you did this because they were in danger - will this put them in danger again?
[There wasn't a way that they weren't going to get their memories back. But Rudy wants to know what the risks are.]
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Unless Ben and Lisa decide to pack it in and live the life of a hunter, they shouldn't be. My footprint's not as big as it once was and, let's just say, the world doesn't revolve around me, anymore. ( He doesn't feel like that satisfies, though. ) He's my kid. Whatever that means to him, or whatever he lets it mean or wants it to mean, I'll be all in. ( But, they can work on it or discuss it, or Dean can be kicked out.
And even though Rudy doesn't ask. ) I didn't know. About Ben. But, I do know now. And. It means something. ( A beat. He also knows he's out on a short limb, but. ) Who's the guy in the kitchen packing heat?
( He doesn't have the right, does he. But of course he noticed the carrier. Rudy is Lisa's husband. Him, though? )
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[Rudy pauses as he considers, because he knows Ben's mental space. He knows what he was saying before he got his memories back and while he can't say he fully knows Ben enough to know how the boy that remembers is going to feel, he can say that there's a lot of hurt Dean will have to make up for.]
I appreciate that, Dean. I do. But even if we put the memory manipulation aside, you still left a kid who loved you and you didn't give him a chance for closure or to say goodbye. And even without remembering you in his life, Ben was already angry about how all this was shaking out. If I'm honest, I think you have a pretty steep uphill climb ahead of you before you get that trust back.
[He's not saying it's impossible. Nothing is impossible, if people are willing to put the work in. But it feels fair to warn him. Even with that warning, there's nothing in his tone that's admonishing or judgmental. Shame doesn't make people do better, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't say what they did wrong.]
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As for the big speech. )
I've had steeper. ( But, he knows what he's up against. ) I'll take my licks. And I can stay away, be there if he needs me. When. ( He's not being subtle. But, he knows that in his life, it's always when. ) I'm not stupid. I know it changes nothing. But, at least he knows. At least... I know.
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It seems to have changed a lot for you. After all, it seems to be the thing that brought you back.
[He understands that blood ties matter, but because of that it doesn't really seem like Dean is doing this out of the goodness of his heart.]
Since things seem to have shifted for you now, would there ever have been a time that you gave them their memories back simply because they belong to them and they should have them?
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Without them coming to me, no. But, I don't just invite people into my world. It's been twenty years and my life never got less complicated. I've died. My brother's died. The world's nearly ended. Back of my mind, I hoped Lisa and Ben led good lives. But, Lisa always said he wasn't mine. And maybe that makes me an ass that he is and I'm here. But, if he had found everything and reached out. Blood or no blood, I'd be right here, Rudy.
( Saying nearly the same thing. Nearly. )
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We haven't known each other very long. But if you want to be part of Ben's life, then we're going to have to get used to each other, and ... I hear what you're saying, Dean. That you did this to protect them. And maybe, I do think there is some of that.
[But he can't help but dig a little bit deeper.]
But there are ways you could have done that without erasing your existence from their minds. You could have just said your goodbyes and walked away and Ben would have been upset, but he would have dealt with it. Plus taking away the knowledge of the danger is a questionable means of keeping them safe.
[The logic isn't quite there for him, were it not for one other thing.]
To me, choosing to erase yourself could mean two things: one, you don't care enough about them to be remembered, and wanted to get away without having to manage their feelings or be bothered by them again. But that doesn't ring quite true because Ben makes one phone call and you're here the next day. So that leaves the second option.
[He pauses before looking back at him again.]
That you see yourself as more of an imposition in their lives than actually a part of it, and you felt that you were relieving them of a burden.
no subject
Rudy believes him. Maybe, he says. And then he calls him out on his decision to erase himself completely. Rudy wasn't there. And maybe there is a smaller, quieter, more bitter and selfish part of Dean that made the "easier" decision. He left them and martyred himself. But he didn't have to talk possession or dead new boyfriend, not to mention their last conversation on the phone together.
He knew he'd always choose Sam.
And then Rudy goes in two directions and Dean bristles when he implies Dean doesn't care. He quickly dispels that idea, only to stab Dean with his second. )
What do they give shrinks? Teachers get gold stars. Guess shrinks get... second appointments?
( He takes a labored breath. )
So what does that tell you about me? Bigger picture.
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[He's guessing. That's usually happens when a person sees themselves as more of a problem than a part of the family.]
But here's the thing, Dean. You're going to have to decide what you want. What's worth it for you to fight for. If you put in the work to make Ben forgive you and then you leave again because you decide you're imposing, he won't forgive you again. And Ben deserves to have a father who wants to be in his life, for better or worse. That's decided that he's not worth giving up.
[Ben starts to stir slightly and Rudy's attention is drawn away, so he caps this little mini therapy session with:]
Just something to think about.
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he's not about to make another declaration. whatever he says, rudy's just going to nod skeptically at, so instead, he nods. doesn't confirm nor deny. only... takes it all in.
he has a lot to unpack with everyone else, but he knows one thing. he's not fucking it up with ben if ben doesn't let him.
but saying that only takes him so far.
lisa doesn't stir just yet, dean sees, as he focuses his attention on his son. a foreign, crazy concept. and he already just wants to make sure nothing ever hurts him again. even if that means dean, too. )
no subject
But he also remembers all the phone calls, all the moments where he, in his childish way, reached out to try and get this man who blew into their lives like a hurricane to just wait in the eye of it with him for just a little bit longer. Maybe there was a part of him that always knew that Dean would walk away one day, like her mom's past boyfriends, but there was a part of him that hoped that Dean would at least stay for him.
When his eyes land on Dean, the anger has faded to something softer, and he blinks away almost immediately, pushing himself slowly up into a sitting position and not stopping when he feels Rudy's hand on his shoulder.]
I'm fine.
["Sure you are." Rudy does not sound very convinced but he'll let Ben believe it.]
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He doesn't wince, just - lets Ben sit. Lets it all sink. )
You're not. It's okay.
( It's not.
But he doesn't expect him to be anything other than not okay. )
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[But it's a different kind of anger than the empty, frustrated anger he had before - that has colored every conversation they had since Dean came clean about what happened. This anger is a little more personal, a little more hurt, more understanding of what was lost in the process.]
That wasn't yours to take.
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I made a call. Lisa almost died. You were both in danger.
( They're in mixed company or he might dig deeper, might make more excused. )
I'm sorry.
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[He hears the apology, but he's not ready to acknowledge it, not yet. He's still feeling the feelings that have been removed from him for the last twenty years, give or take.]
So you put us somewhere safe, that doesn't mean you get your angel friend to root around in my memories and take you out.
[It wasn't my fault, why was I the one punished is on the tip of his tongue, but he forces it back.]
It was my life, Dean. You don't get to rewrite it without at least having a damn conversation first. I don't care if I was a kid.
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Inside the kitchen, Dickerson stops mid-sentence about vampires, leaving Elena and instinctively returning to the living room. (Assuming Elena might follow.)
Lisa doesn't need a shouting match here this morning and she thinks everyone should go to their corners, so she stands up.
"Dean, I think you should leave now."
He looks back at Rudy, to Ben, Lisa, back to Dick, then finding Elena. Back to Ben. )
I'll give you some time.
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[He turns away as he tries to catch his breath a bit, while Elena moves forward and reaches to take Dean's hand in hers.
"It was nice meeting you. I left the hotel we're staying at with Dickerson if you need anything."
But with that, she will let Dean take her back to the car, leaving the Braedans to sort out the pieces of their lives they just got back.]
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He drives Elena back to the hotel in silence and lets her check in. Once they reach their room, he drops his hastily packed bag down and sighs. )
Think I'll check out the bar downstairs.
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It's not quite noon yet. Bar probably isn't open.
[Her tone is gentle, not judging because after the morning they've had, she'd probably want a drink too. Which is why she she head to the mini-bar instead and hold up one of the little whiskeys.]
But we could try the mini-bar instead? And maybe talk about it a little, where you don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings?
no subject
She's right. He's following the shit end of his instincts. He still needs to call Sam. He's not his dad. His dad wouldn't have cared enough to erase anyone's memories. He would've left the devastation. )
He should be angry with me. They should both be. From their end. Twenty-some years later. But I'm getting raked over the calls for a split second decision I felt like I had to make?
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[She's been there. She's messed with her own brothers memories more than once under the guise of protecting him.]
I think it's an instinct we all - trying to do what we think is best or easier, based on what's within our power to do.
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And then he was back in their lives. And broken. And then gone all over again.
And she remembers their phone call. She remembers it all.
She goes to the door and locks it behind them before turning around. )
He wasn't lying. Obviously. He was with Ben and me for over a year. And he took that away.
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[He hasn't exactly been shy with his feelings and Rudy doesn't blame him. It's a lot to take in and wrestle with, side conversation with Dean aside.]
How are you doing?
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I don't like what I remember, especially at the end. I -- see why he did what he did. That doesn't make it okay.
( And she feels like she owes her son a conversation, too. )
We could defend ourselves. He taught us things. He -- could've put us in even more danger. We never moved. What was stopping that demo --
( She stops herself. )
I remember what happened at the end and, it wasn't good.
( She brings a hand to her head. )
And now my head is reeling. I want to book us all tattoo appointments... ( she frowns, bringing her hand down. ) But, Ben beat us to that. That's one of them. I remember it. Something got through to you.
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Yeah, something stuck alright. He just wished he understood what that meant.
He drops down onto the couch, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.]
This is all fucked.
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