( He wants to know everything, how the Ben he pushed away became this Ben. How the Ben who had his memory erased - who he became. What he wants. )
You were a natural.
( Maybe at more things than one, if he had treated Ben differently. Stayed. Not made the unilateral decision for everyone. But he was never going to raise him into the life. Was there a happy medium? A way to teach him to shoot a gun? Defend himself? )
Yeah. It's a good job, makes good money. I've worked worse jobs.
[He just doesn't like how it feels like people don't take him seriously, though maybe that's just the people he's choosing to pursue and not anything to do with his job.]
( Because of money? He's never been made of money, but he could have contributed. He doesn't know where Ben would have fit into any of it, but he would have made room.
He doubts that would have been safe and he'd become so angry over the years. Maybe it's better this is now and not then. He remembers holding Lisa and Ben at arms' length after Sam's return. They led a pretty good, fucked up year. They both accepted him. And for a time, he felt like Ben was his son. )
Every teenager has a shitty retail job in high school.
[Nothing super out of the ordinary though.
Ben does sit with that apology for a minute though, but given that they haven't been talking about any of Dean's specific crimes against Ben, he's not exactly sure what the apology is for.]
[Ben nods, because he's not sure forgiveness is on the table just yet for all the things he lost, but he's not seething with rage anymore. So that's ... something.]
Look, if I'm honest, and I know you don't know what to think about me - but, I remember what I was like after Sam showed back up. I became erratic. A prison warden. There was night - ( He sets the beer aside, and faces his son proper, straight shooting. ) You know my jobs get messy. But, that night I came back and I woke you up and I - ( shoved him. ) It wasn't safe to be around me and, I got that cleared up but, even after, I kept it all away from you. Didn't explain things to your mother. ( And got his ass handed to him. ) I keep everything close to my chest, because I think it keeps people safe. past tense. Kept. I've -- learned to be a bit more of an open book. Doesn't mean I wallow in all my big feelings, but -- look, I said it before, but I said it cheap and I said it desperate. You and me. I'm not going anywhere. I won't. And even if I have to, I'm coming back. I want in. I got the crap father lottery, and like hell am I going to let you have it, too.
[He bites back the response that he already has. He also just bites back the netural "I believe you" even though he does. It feels placating in a way he isn't trying to be.
It takes him a moment to figure out what to say, so he tries to settle on the thing he actually wants.]
Might be cool to meet your mom. I mean, I can't really fuck off and go to Kansas or whatever but, if she wanted to come here ... that could be nice.
Life of a hunter's - makes it easy to pack up and go. You want it, I can make a call.
( Get some mom time in, too, which he and Sam never get enough of. They still have that chip on their shoulder, but a lot's been smoothed over now. They're all hunters. In the life. And when she can, when she's in town, she bunks it. )
I didn't know, Ben. About you. I don't think your mom did, either. I don't know what I would have done. I'm not going to lie to you. Back then, only thing I wanted was you and your mom safe. And, I made a lot of mistakes. And Sam... Everything was off the rails and I thought I was doing the best thing. I made the call.
( He's sorry.
He doesn't say he'd make the same call. He remembers life back then. Remembers their other grandfather. Shady dealings. The Cas of it all. He can't imagine any of that year, any year with a kid. How many times he was offed. The Men of Letters: London style. Mark of Cain. He would have kept Ben away from all of it.
But, maybe that's not being a father. He's gonna find out. )
I'm still figuring some things out. But I like my job, and I have good friends. Everything else I have time for.
[Clearly something was missing since he went looking for his paternity for no good reason, but it got this knot untied, so maybe that was worth the effort.]
Well, like father. ( He said the hard things. And Lisa was kind of pushing him away at that point. And, it's fine. It's not. None of it is. He can still remember that week. Being terrified for Lisa and Ben. Not begging, but asking Balthazar. Not accepting Cas' help. It steams him up inside thinking about that time. Cas' shady shit reputation never went away, it just took on new forms. He's reminded, again, he needs to have another conversation after this.
Out of earshot of his kid. He suspects his kid likes using four letter words, too. Still doesn't need him to hear it. ) Ben, I was terrified for you and your mom. And I moved heaven and earth to find you. ( Then. He saw the fear in Ben's eyes when he exorcised his mother. When he told Ben to lock in, to hold the gun close to his shoulder, watch for kickback.
Be a man. It was the most John he'd ever been with him. Other than the shove. He wants to say he knows how hard it was. To see him like that. To go through it. But, he locked in and they saved his mom.
No. Cas saved his mom.
And nothing changed. ) It hurt. Losing you. It hurt more than you could ever know.
[Ben glances away when he realizes that they're talking about something else entirely - not a twelve year-old boy trying to figure out if this father-figure he loved still actually gave a shit about him, but the demons that came later. The night where Dean put a gun in his hands and told him to shoot or his mother would die and he did the best he could but he can feel it all now.
Every time the rifle kicked back.
Every time the bodies just flopped down like someone cut their strings and there was nothing animating them anymore. He'd never hurt someone before, not like that, and even though he knew they were demons, they still looked like people.
Trauma never fully processed before the memories were ripped away and replaced with something else. Something not real.
And Matt ... well, he was putting a lot of effort into not liking Matt, but he didn't deserve that.
He tries to take Dean's comment for the statement that it is. Tries to push past the way it makes him feel, to the intent behind it. That it was hard for him to let them go and let them forget him when he was the only one who had been given a choice in the matter.
Now he feels like he should have taken the opportunity for the beer when he had it, but it still feels like a bad idea.]
I get what you're trying to say. But it's kind of hard to look at it as you losing us when you were the one making all the choices.
Ben, I was there. I heard the things the demon said. I saw what I brought to your door. And whether or not, I could've done better, prepared either one of you, I don't even know, and I didn't. All I saw was a life neither of you deserved.
( And then it comes back to Rudy and the nail he hit on the head. Dean didn't deserve them. Dean didn't want to hurt them, didn't want them running, or learning a new way of life. Not becoming the traveling girlfriend of a hunter. And who knows what she even wanted. He never asked. And Ben wouldn't speak to him.
And then, Cas.
But, this isn't about Cas, or his choices or how Dean felt like he'd been backed into corner all damn year. )
Me making your mom happy, being your family --
( Sacrificing all that meant, thanks to Cas, they could live their lives. He even threatened Sam's life afterward if he ever mentioned them again. Well, deep, deep amounts of violence.
He wasn't worth all that. He was broken. With his legacy and his unrelenting attitude, alcoholism, nightmares, the brother he's saddled with but would never give up. She said it to him under the influence of the truth curse. He doesn't believe it anymore. Sam and him have their own touchstones now.
But, they will die for one another and fuck if that isn't family. )
Ben, if you wanted anything out of this. Anything at all. What is it.
[Ben takes a deep breath before shaking his head.]
Honestly? I don't know.
[He leans back in his seat as he tries to figure out how exactly to say it.]
I was drunk when I decided to take the test. And when I took it. I think I just wanted an answer more than anything else. If it hadn't been so fucking weird, I might not have even called.
[Which feels shitty to say, but he hadn't really thought through what he would actually have done once he had the name.]
( He gets it. And Ben's uncle is out there somewhere, sharing his body with an archangel. Not really first sit-down material. He would've found something. Dean's the stone he overturned.
This is veering off into emotional territory and he's not built for it in public. Or, at all. He's a brick wall that has to be broken down piece by piece, until he breaks and puts himself back together again. Taking out his wallet, he unfolds a twenty and puts it on the table.
Turning back, he makes the eight ball. )
I'll make the call to your grandmother.
( Get that ball rolling. He reattaches the pool cue to its' wall-mount. )
You got my number.
( He doesn't wait for Ben to object, he doesn't ask for any more time or confidence, or empty promises. This is on the kid now.
He doesn't say goodbye to Helene.
Outside, someone watches from a few cars down. He sees Dean leave from the rearview mirror and then watches him climb into that sick Impala in the side mirror. After Dean drives off, Dickerson pulls out of his unmarked car and hoofs it back down the pavement, up to the familiar bar.
Inside, he gives a look around, nods to Helene. Gives a 'Where's my boy at,' eyebrow raise, she nods toward the pool tables. He flicks his hat with his pointer finger in thanks and moves around the emptying tables.
"Was it bad," he asks. Yes, he's off early. Yes, it's because this is monumental. Just accept that you got a good guy in your court and speak up. Or, don't if that's what you want. )
*
( Dean hopes this was enough of a start. It's late to call his mom, not that she wouldn't answer. Hunters answer on the second ring. Sometimes on the first.
He buys a bottle of Jack at the corner store by his motel. Inside the room, he pulls the paper down, sets the bottle on the table, and takes a long, lingering breath. Composed. No tone. He speaks. )
[Ben startles, then blinks up at Dickerson like he's pulling himself out of a mire, thoughts swirling around his brain like he doesn't quite know how to process any of this.]
Nah. No, it was fine.
[It gave him a lot to think about, but it wasn't bad.]
[And he does, as promised, appear where requested. He appears on the other side of the table, staring back at Dean and wondering if this is the delayed conversation they haven't been having since Ben made a reappearance.]
( He pours one for Cas and one for himself. He forces the glass across the table. It slides in front of Cas, taking a seat. He gestures for Cas to sit. Join him. Once he does, Dean speaks. )
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everyonelives2025-07-26 07:05 pm
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[He debates expanding on that, but eventually he manages to wrestle out the rest of the conversation.]
I thought about going to college for engineering, but it was too much money.
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( He knows Ben had it in him. )
How'd trade school treat you?
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[It was a tool to get him where he needed to go. It wasn't really an experience the way college would have been.]
Got me an apprenticeship in a good garage, and if things keep going well, I'll probably take over when my boss retires.
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( He wants to know everything, how the Ben he pushed away became this Ben. How the Ben who had his memory erased - who he became. What he wants. )
You were a natural.
( Maybe at more things than one, if he had treated Ben differently. Stayed. Not made the unilateral decision for everyone. But he was never going to raise him into the life. Was there a happy medium? A way to teach him to shoot a gun? Defend himself? )
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[He just doesn't like how it feels like people don't take him seriously, though maybe that's just the people he's choosing to pursue and not anything to do with his job.]
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( Because of money? He's never been made of money, but he could have contributed. He doesn't know where Ben would have fit into any of it, but he would have made room.
He doubts that would have been safe and he'd become so angry over the years. Maybe it's better this is now and not then. He remembers holding Lisa and Ben at arms' length after Sam's return. They led a pretty good, fucked up year. They both accepted him. And for a time, he felt like Ben was his son. )
I'm sorry.
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[Nothing super out of the ordinary though.
Ben does sit with that apology for a minute though, but given that they haven't been talking about any of Dean's specific crimes against Ben, he's not exactly sure what the apology is for.]
For what part?
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( But, he wants to be a part of it. He knows that. He wouldn't be here, otherwise. )
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Technically I called you. So that one's on me.
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It takes him a moment to figure out what to say, so he tries to settle on the thing he actually wants.]
Might be cool to meet your mom. I mean, I can't really fuck off and go to Kansas or whatever but, if she wanted to come here ... that could be nice.
[Is that enough of an olive branch?]
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( Get some mom time in, too, which he and Sam never get enough of. They still have that chip on their shoulder, but a lot's been smoothed over now. They're all hunters. In the life. And when she can, when she's in town, she bunks it. )
I didn't know, Ben. About you. I don't think your mom did, either. I don't know what I would have done. I'm not going to lie to you. Back then, only thing I wanted was you and your mom safe. And, I made a lot of mistakes. And Sam... Everything was off the rails and I thought I was doing the best thing. I made the call.
( He's sorry.
He doesn't say he'd make the same call. He remembers life back then. Remembers their other grandfather. Shady dealings. The Cas of it all. He can't imagine any of that year, any year with a kid. How many times he was offed. The Men of Letters: London style. Mark of Cain. He would have kept Ben away from all of it.
But, maybe that's not being a father. He's gonna find out. )
You like your life?
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I'm still figuring some things out. But I like my job, and I have good friends. Everything else I have time for.
[Clearly something was missing since he went looking for his paternity for no good reason, but it got this knot untied, so maybe that was worth the effort.]
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( He fights the urge to clap a hand to his shoulder. To, try and bring him in for the patented Winchester hug. )
Do you remember what I told you? When you called and cried wolf about your mom? I hightailed it there. We sat down.
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I still stand by calling you a dick.
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Out of earshot of his kid. He suspects his kid likes using four letter words, too. Still doesn't need him to hear it. ) Ben, I was terrified for you and your mom. And I moved heaven and earth to find you. ( Then. He saw the fear in Ben's eyes when he exorcised his mother. When he told Ben to lock in, to hold the gun close to his shoulder, watch for kickback.
Be a man. It was the most John he'd ever been with him. Other than the shove. He wants to say he knows how hard it was. To see him like that. To go through it. But, he locked in and they saved his mom.
No. Cas saved his mom.
And nothing changed. ) It hurt. Losing you. It hurt more than you could ever know.
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Every time the rifle kicked back.
Every time the bodies just flopped down like someone cut their strings and there was nothing animating them anymore. He'd never hurt someone before, not like that, and even though he knew they were demons, they still looked like people.
Trauma never fully processed before the memories were ripped away and replaced with something else. Something not real.
And Matt ... well, he was putting a lot of effort into not liking Matt, but he didn't deserve that.
He tries to take Dean's comment for the statement that it is. Tries to push past the way it makes him feel, to the intent behind it. That it was hard for him to let them go and let them forget him when he was the only one who had been given a choice in the matter.
Now he feels like he should have taken the opportunity for the beer when he had it, but it still feels like a bad idea.]
I get what you're trying to say. But it's kind of hard to look at it as you losing us when you were the one making all the choices.
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( And then it comes back to Rudy and the nail he hit on the head. Dean didn't deserve them. Dean didn't want to hurt them, didn't want them running, or learning a new way of life. Not becoming the traveling girlfriend of a hunter. And who knows what she even wanted. He never asked. And Ben wouldn't speak to him.
And then, Cas.
But, this isn't about Cas, or his choices or how Dean felt like he'd been backed into corner all damn year. )
Me making your mom happy, being your family --
( Sacrificing all that meant, thanks to Cas, they could live their lives. He even threatened Sam's life afterward if he ever mentioned them again. Well, deep, deep amounts of violence.
He wasn't worth all that. He was broken. With his legacy and his unrelenting attitude, alcoholism, nightmares, the brother he's saddled with but would never give up. She said it to him under the influence of the truth curse. He doesn't believe it anymore. Sam and him have their own touchstones now.
But, they will die for one another and fuck if that isn't family. )
Ben, if you wanted anything out of this. Anything at all. What is it.
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Honestly? I don't know.
[He leans back in his seat as he tries to figure out how exactly to say it.]
I was drunk when I decided to take the test. And when I took it. I think I just wanted an answer more than anything else. If it hadn't been so fucking weird, I might not have even called.
[Which feels shitty to say, but he hadn't really thought through what he would actually have done once he had the name.]
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( He gets it. And Ben's uncle is out there somewhere, sharing his body with an archangel. Not really first sit-down material. He would've found something. Dean's the stone he overturned.
This is veering off into emotional territory and he's not built for it in public. Or, at all. He's a brick wall that has to be broken down piece by piece, until he breaks and puts himself back together again. Taking out his wallet, he unfolds a twenty and puts it on the table.
Turning back, he makes the eight ball. )
I'll make the call to your grandmother.
( Get that ball rolling. He reattaches the pool cue to its' wall-mount. )
You got my number.
( He doesn't wait for Ben to object, he doesn't ask for any more time or confidence, or empty promises. This is on the kid now.
He doesn't say goodbye to Helene.
Outside, someone watches from a few cars down. He sees Dean leave from the rearview mirror and then watches him climb into that sick Impala in the side mirror. After Dean drives off, Dickerson pulls out of his unmarked car and hoofs it back down the pavement, up to the familiar bar.
Inside, he gives a look around, nods to Helene. Gives a 'Where's my boy at,' eyebrow raise, she nods toward the pool tables. He flicks his hat with his pointer finger in thanks and moves around the emptying tables.
"Was it bad," he asks. Yes, he's off early. Yes, it's because this is monumental. Just accept that you got a good guy in your court and speak up. Or, don't if that's what you want. )
*
( Dean hopes this was enough of a start. It's late to call his mom, not that she wouldn't answer. Hunters answer on the second ring. Sometimes on the first.
He buys a bottle of Jack at the corner store by his motel. Inside the room, he pulls the paper down, sets the bottle on the table, and takes a long, lingering breath. Composed. No tone. He speaks. )
Cas, I need a word.
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Nah. No, it was fine.
[It gave him a lot to think about, but it wasn't bad.]
What're you doing here? Didn't you have to work?
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[She was one hundred percent trolling for the hot goss, but they know and accept that about her at this point.]
I just ... feel like I'm still catching up. He's spent like ten years missing us, allegedly, and I'm still trying to sort through it all.
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Is everything alright?
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You knew Ben was mine.
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