everyonelives | i'm leaving you my last curse

[Ben doesn't know what to do with any of that information because he's still angry, and he doesn't know what to believe. But he wants those memories back and Rudy knows that he's going to want them back which is why he's going to step in.]

How is this return process going to work exactly? How were they taken in the first place? Because it seems like you were tied, by your own admission, to some traumatic memories, so if we're going to just unleash them, I think it might be best if we try and do this in the way that isn't going to retraumatize my wife and stepson.

[Castiel knows he's supposed to answer that question, but he's an angel so he has no idea how. Elena, on the other hand, tips her head to the side and blinks at him. "Therapist?"

Rudy smirks.]

I am. So you understand why I'm concerned.

They weren't --

( But, his hand going up pauses, because of everything they went through. The kidnapping. Her being possessed.

He takes a second, trying to define exactly how this works. )

There's no how - I sound like friggin Yoda. If you want them back, Castiel can return them. Just like that. In a snap. I know it sounds insane, I know it's not logical or therapeutic. But, he snaps his fingers, if you want him to, and Lisa and Ben will both remember what they can't. I can't say it won't hurt, I can't say there won't be an adjustment. It was bad at the end. And if you want me to preview you the bad, I will.

( Dickerson's (8) has him taking a step off the staircase, hand hovering behind his concealed weapon. )

I know what this sounds like. Do you want Cas to go all angel on you? We can prove it. You're just gonna hate it.

["Go all angel? What - "

Before Ben can finish that question, Castiel sighs, heavily.]

Perhaps it would have been better if we started here.

[The lights in the room flicker and the wall that Castiel has positioned himself against is shrouded in shadows that take shape into feathered wings, reaching up towards the ceiling.]

Does that answer some of your questions?

[Ben stumbles backwards, not sure what to make of that. "Holy shit."]

( Dickerson manages to only back himself into the railing (13), but Lisa jumps out of her skin, knocking down some things off the shelf, including a picture of her, Bed, and Rudy. )

Like I said. Angel.

( Dickerson is not a godly man, but he went to church as a kid and it feels sacreligious to prepare to shoot an angel, so his hand lets go.

"That's--" is all he gets out. )

And that's his parlor trick. Lisa, I wouldn't lie to you. To either of you. And I'm sorry I took it away. I thought I was doing the only thing I could at the time. To keep you safe.

( All she can muster is,

"Why did that have to be your call, Dean?" )

You okay over there, Rudy?

I ...

[Huh. Yeah. That happened. He's fairly unflappable, given his profession, but in all his years as a therapist, he's never really seen anything like that.]

... am processing.

[That's probably the best way to put it.

Okay. Operating with the idea that angels are real, at least. That much he can handle right now.]

And I think Lisa has a valid question. I think there's some concern that because you did it once, there's a chance you could choose to do it again.

I won't. This is opt in. To it all. Unless you don't like what you see. It's not on me anymore. ( he sighs and looks at Lisa again. ) You were in the hospital, Ben was taken, Sam had no soul at the time, and I took the safest option. I'm not the same person I was back then. I have a support system. I didn't come here, guns blazing alone. I came with the solution and with the woman I love. I gota network. A family. I have people.

( to Ben )

You're my people. You never weren't. Blood or not, family's more. Leaving you behind wasn't easy. And, as far as I'm concerned, I won't leave you like that again. And I'm sorry I did.

[Elena can see that as much as Dean means his words, they're not landing. Possibly because these aren't the versions of them he should be apologizing too.]

I have an idea.

[Her hand reaches to take Dean's giving it a small squeeze.]

If you want your memories back, Castiel can do that for you. I booked us a hotel in town. We can go and let you guys process whatever you're going to be getting back, and when you're ready to talk, you can give us a call and we can come back.

[Because it may be easier for Dean to not be in their face, hinging his expectations on this. It may be better if they work through the things they're getting back and talk to Dean when they're ready.]

( Dean knew it would come down to this. He's done this more than a handful of times. Blew someone's world wide open and then given them the space to deal with it. Usually, it's with Sam and Sam pulls him out of there. It's fitting it's Elena this time around. )

And, if you need a sneak preview - I know. But, I'm not going to sit here and force anything on you, or promise it won't hurt. I know what you're thinking and I'd be thinking the same thing, Ben. But, I'd be here with or without a DNA test. I owe it to you. To the both of you. And I know it's all talk, and you got action in your blood, so, ( holding Elena's hand still, he stands ) we're gonna jet. You have my number. Unless there's anything else you want to know. Or, if you have any other questions about anything.

( He waits for Ben, or for Lisa to say something.

Lisa's not clear on what happens net, or what she really wants. Or, how it all works. Or, how an angel factors into any of this, but she remembers Ben not being Ben. She remembers what he looked like in the mirror. Her friend's daughter. How Katie wasn't Katie... Maybe that was suppressed. She remembers.

"I remember," she does say as Dean, Cas, and Elena sidestep the couch. "I remember looking into the mirror and seeing that thing in place of my son. I remember him being hungry, clinging to my side, banging on the bathroom door. And I remember it going up in flames in front of me. And I remember Ben returning. Being okay. I'm not saying I believe everything. You made it so that I can't, didn't you. But, I remember that." )

[Rudy moves towards her, reaching for her hand as a sign of support, but doesn't say anything. He has his concerns, but this isn't his decision. This is going to come down to Ben and Lisa.

Ben's memories of his kidnapping are still a mess. He knows that he still wants all the information, no matter how terrible or traumatic. He wants all the answers. That's the only way he'll be able to make a decision for himself.]

I want them back.

[He wants to make a decision with all the information.

Castiel nods, before making his way closer, before glancing over to Lisa. "Do you as well?"]

( She takes a moment to meet Rudy's eyes. What he thinks matters, but she also knows that it's her decision. And Ben's. She doesn't tear up. She is resolute. She always has been. She is decisive.

Dean squeezes Elena's hand harder without meaning to, before letting go abruptly, throat suddenly dry.

Lisa's fingers leave Rudy's as she steps up next to her son. )

I don't want them, but I deserve them. And so does your son. Give them back.

[Castiel nods, before raising his hands to both their foreheads, before glancing to the two men behind them.]

You'll probably want to catch them.

[As his fingers make contact, he undoes the magic holding back their memories and releases them. Their eyes close, and the two of them slump backwards as things reset.

Rudy reaches forward and catches his wife before she can hit the floor. Ben also drops, and hopefully Dickerson is there to catch them.]

They should wake up in a little while, and they will have all their memories back.

[And with that, his role here is done so he's just gonna ... go.

Bye.

He's sure Dean will summon him later.]

( Dickerson steps up, wary of all of this (7) but he's good at reading emotions, at least. and everyone in this room believes what they're saying. the kidnapping was freaky enough thirdhand, so hearing about the details, and the 'immolation' he was told about like a dirty rumor, his mind is open enough to catch his best friend when he drops.

And then the angel just isn't there anymore. And Dickerson (2) almost drops Ben as he slips through his hands.

"Here," Dean says, coming around the coffee table to catch him. He indicates for Elena to pull it away so Dickerson and Dean can drop Ben on the couch, and hopefully Rudy, Lisa.

Once that is done, Dickerson just takes a few steps back. Dean adjusts the pillow behind Ben's head and Dick steps closer to Elena.

"He just..." )

[Elena does as indicated and nods a bit in agreement, because yeah.]

Yeah. Cas does that.

[It can be a lot to process though.]

They will be okay though, physically at least. There's going to be a lot to process, but it seems like they're both in good hands.

[They have a good support system, and that's what matters. She looks over at Dean with a small nod.]

We should go.

Really. You don't... want to be here when they wake up? I was going to offer a drink. Cause after that, I think we all need a drink. Come on.

( He says, waving a hand to follow him, maybe give Dean and the husband a little time? Even if you just want water, Elena.

Dean, satisfied Ben is okay, stays kneeled before pulling himself up. Finally, he faces Rudy.

"Thanks, for letting us in. Keeping an open mind, not throwing us out on our asses."

[Elena glances back over at Dean before nodding and following Dickerson into the kitchen to answer all of his questions. Unfortunately most of her experience is in terms of werewolves, vampires and witches so who knows how helpful she'll actually be.

Rudy glances up at Dean, considering his statement before shrugging.]

It wasn't about me.

[It was about Lisa and Ben. They were the ones steering this ship.]

You said you did this because they were in danger - will this put them in danger again?

[There wasn't a way that they weren't going to get their memories back. But Rudy wants to know what the risks are.]

( Dickerson goes in a supernatural phillistine, but she'll awaken a new side to him that will give Ben a good partner in crime if he wants to delve into this life further. He doesn't half-ass anything. )

Unless Ben and Lisa decide to pack it in and live the life of a hunter, they shouldn't be. My footprint's not as big as it once was and, let's just say, the world doesn't revolve around me, anymore. ( He doesn't feel like that satisfies, though. ) He's my kid. Whatever that means to him, or whatever he lets it mean or wants it to mean, I'll be all in. ( But, they can work on it or discuss it, or Dean can be kicked out.

And even though Rudy doesn't ask. ) I didn't know. About Ben. But, I do know now. And. It means something. ( A beat. He also knows he's out on a short limb, but. ) Who's the guy in the kitchen packing heat?

( He doesn't have the right, does he. But of course he noticed the carrier. Rudy is Lisa's husband. Him, though? )

Edited 2025-03-27 02:41 (UTC)

That's Dickerson. He's Ben's best friend.

[Rudy pauses as he considers, because he knows Ben's mental space. He knows what he was saying before he got his memories back and while he can't say he fully knows Ben enough to know how the boy that remembers is going to feel, he can say that there's a lot of hurt Dean will have to make up for.]

I appreciate that, Dean. I do. But even if we put the memory manipulation aside, you still left a kid who loved you and you didn't give him a chance for closure or to say goodbye. And even without remembering you in his life, Ben was already angry about how all this was shaking out. If I'm honest, I think you have a pretty steep uphill climb ahead of you before you get that trust back.

[He's not saying it's impossible. Nothing is impossible, if people are willing to put the work in. But it feels fair to warn him. Even with that warning, there's nothing in his tone that's admonishing or judgmental. Shame doesn't make people do better, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't say what they did wrong.]

( Best friend, okay.

As for the big speech. )

I've had steeper. ( But, he knows what he's up against. ) I'll take my licks. And I can stay away, be there if he needs me. When. ( He's not being subtle. But, he knows that in his life, it's always when. ) I'm not stupid. I know it changes nothing. But, at least he knows. At least... I know.

[There's a head tilt as he moves to perch on the arm of the couch. One that his long-term patients usually recognize as trouble coming (for them) but Rudy isn't one to shy away from the hard questions.]

It seems to have changed a lot for you. After all, it seems to be the thing that brought you back.

[He understands that blood ties matter, but because of that it doesn't really seem like Dean is doing this out of the goodness of his heart.]

Since things seem to have shifted for you now, would there ever have been a time that you gave them their memories back simply because they belong to them and they should have them?

( He means for Ben, but, shit, is he being shrank? He uncomfortably looks away, kicks at a part of the carpet that came up from moving the table. He moves the table back, sighs, stands, and faces Rudy again. )

Without them coming to me, no. But, I don't just invite people into my world. It's been twenty years and my life never got less complicated. I've died. My brother's died. The world's nearly ended. Back of my mind, I hoped Lisa and Ben led good lives. But, Lisa always said he wasn't mine. And maybe that makes me an ass that he is and I'm here. But, if he had found everything and reached out. Blood or no blood, I'd be right here, Rudy.

( Saying nearly the same thing. Nearly. )

[Rudy nods slowly, because he does believe him. But he picks up on that interesting note that Elena side stepped earlier.]

We haven't known each other very long. But if you want to be part of Ben's life, then we're going to have to get used to each other, and ... I hear what you're saying, Dean. That you did this to protect them. And maybe, I do think there is some of that.

[But he can't help but dig a little bit deeper.]

But there are ways you could have done that without erasing your existence from their minds. You could have just said your goodbyes and walked away and Ben would have been upset, but he would have dealt with it. Plus taking away the knowledge of the danger is a questionable means of keeping them safe.

[The logic isn't quite there for him, were it not for one other thing.]

To me, choosing to erase yourself could mean two things: one, you don't care enough about them to be remembered, and wanted to get away without having to manage their feelings or be bothered by them again. But that doesn't ring quite true because Ben makes one phone call and you're here the next day. So that leaves the second option.

[He pauses before looking back at him again.]

That you see yourself as more of an imposition in their lives than actually a part of it, and you felt that you were relieving them of a burden.

( Dean recognizes Rudy's look, knows that when Rudy perched himself on the arm of the couch that he was going into shrink mode. But, he slammed himself back into Lisa's and Ben's lives without asking. He's playing with the only deck he knows - in the middle of another supernatural shit storm outside of this house. So, he stands and he takes his lumps.

Rudy believes him. Maybe, he says. And then he calls him out on his decision to erase himself completely. Rudy wasn't there. And maybe there is a smaller, quieter, more bitter and selfish part of Dean that made the "easier" decision. He left them and martyred himself. But he didn't have to talk possession or dead new boyfriend, not to mention their last conversation on the phone together.

He knew he'd always choose Sam.

And then Rudy goes in two directions and Dean bristles when he implies Dean doesn't care. He quickly dispels that idea, only to stab Dean with his second. )

What do they give shrinks? Teachers get gold stars. Guess shrinks get... second appointments?

( He takes a labored breath. )

So what does that tell you about me? Bigger picture.

I think it tells me that maybe you're not exactly used to being people's first choice. Maybe a parental figure where there were always higher priorities and not enough room for you.

[He's guessing. That's usually happens when a person sees themselves as more of a problem than a part of the family.]

But here's the thing, Dean. You're going to have to decide what you want. What's worth it for you to fight for. If you put in the work to make Ben forgive you and then you leave again because you decide you're imposing, he won't forgive you again. And Ben deserves to have a father who wants to be in his life, for better or worse. That's decided that he's not worth giving up.

[Ben starts to stir slightly and Rudy's attention is drawn away, so he caps this little mini therapy session with:]

Just something to think about.

( or, he was that parental figure's leftover choice. Sam bailed, so he became dad's favorite. and he was never dad's favorite. never able to actually make the man proud. always held at arm's length.

he's not about to make another declaration. whatever he says, rudy's just going to nod skeptically at, so instead, he nods. doesn't confirm nor deny. only... takes it all in.

he has a lot to unpack with everyone else, but he knows one thing. he's not fucking it up with ben if ben doesn't let him.

but saying that only takes him so far.

lisa doesn't stir just yet, dean sees, as he focuses his attention on his son. a foreign, crazy concept. and he already just wants to make sure nothing ever hurts him again. even if that means dean, too. )

[Ben blinks his eyes open, staring at the ceiling as the memories taken from him slip back into place - starting with his eighth birthday party, all the way to the "car accident" that he now knows was very much not a car accident.

But he also remembers all the phone calls, all the moments where he, in his childish way, reached out to try and get this man who blew into their lives like a hurricane to just wait in the eye of it with him for just a little bit longer. Maybe there was a part of him that always knew that Dean would walk away one day, like her mom's past boyfriends, but there was a part of him that hoped that Dean would at least stay for him.

When his eyes land on Dean, the anger has faded to something softer, and he blinks away almost immediately, pushing himself slowly up into a sitting position and not stopping when he feels Rudy's hand on his shoulder.]

I'm fine.

["Sure you are." Rudy does not sound very convinced but he'll let Ben believe it.]

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