because the lives of the wicked should be made brief

[somanyadjectives]

Comments

[acdc_rules]

I liked ACDC before you. I'll keep liking them long after you're gone.

[That's a stupid question. ACDC rules.

Also Helene is great at her job, so she'll swing around after things cool down to drop off another beer and take the empty glasses.

But it's Ben's turn, so he'll get up and sink one more (16), and he asks the first genuinely curious question he has that isn't just finding where the guard rails are.]

The first time I called, a woman answered the phone. It wasn't Elena. You guys have a whole crew at the bunker?

[That's not the actual question. The woman knew who Lisa and Ben were. He figures he doesn't talk about them to just anyone. But he doesn't know how to ask who she is or if he'll actually answer.]

[cholesterol]

Ouch.

( He deserves that? And, he knows when his time is up, it's up. Except for every time it wasn't.

Dean can also feel the bumpers go free as Ben attempts a real shot at a strike so-to-speak, without the worry of a gutter ball. A real question, and one with a lot of answers. )

More like a network. We have hunters that come in and out, that were uh - rescued from somewhere else. And, lately, Elena and some of her friends, her family, have also been staying with us when they needed us. ( As for ) The woman who answered the phone - is Mary. She's - a long story. She's - ( A beat. ) Your grandmother.

[acdc_rules]

[His eyebrows go up at that, turning to study his face for a moment.]

I thought she was dead. I mean, I know that can get a bit ... flexible with you, but I thought she was dead dead.

[cholesterol]

( He may not have shared everything with Ben, had scolded him when he even breathed a word of being a hunter, but he was open about Sam. About their parents. About what they lost. )

Long story short, a powerful - entity ( God's sister. ) looked inside my mind once and deduced my ultimate wish. She brought her back. Hell of an adjustment period, but, we're all copacetic now.

[acdc_rules]

Huh.

[That "huh" sounds a little more curious than he'd care to admit. He doesn't have a strong connection with Lisa's parents and Rudy's parents are nice, but they aren't his.]

Must have been nice. To have her back, I mean.

[cholesterol]

Like I said, there was an adjustment period. She'd been dead for years. Didn't get technology. Didn't know how to relate to her adult sons. She did a few stints away. Fell in with the wrong crowd. Grew as a person. She still likes having her own life, but she's around a lot more and actually hangs her hat when she can.

( She's flawed, but good.

And he knows Bobby's as placeholder as he gets, but he treats her well. )

[acdc_rules]

[Mary would object to the word placeholder. Just because she has healthier relationships post the death of the love of her life than her husband did doesn't make him a placeholder.

But whatever makes Dean feel better.

Ben nods, before stepping back from the table and going back to his soda.]

Still sounds nice.

[But since he screwed up his last shot, and he doesn't know where to go from there he deflects back to the game.]

Your turn.

[cholesterol]

( He wants his mom happy and he has his own issues with his dad. But he also remember what the pearl gave them back.

Another ball drops. And he misses the next. )

Did you go to school?

[acdc_rules]

Trade school.

[He debates expanding on that, but eventually he manages to wrestle out the rest of the conversation.]

I thought about going to college for engineering, but it was too much money.

[cholesterol]

Engineering. Takes brains.

( He knows Ben had it in him. )

How'd trade school treat you?

[acdc_rules]

It was fine.

[It was a tool to get him where he needed to go. It wasn't really an experience the way college would have been.]

Got me an apprenticeship in a good garage, and if things keep going well, I'll probably take over when my boss retires.

[cholesterol]

You wanna? Take over for him?

( He wants to know everything, how the Ben he pushed away became this Ben. How the Ben who had his memory erased - who he became. What he wants. )

You were a natural.

( Maybe at more things than one, if he had treated Ben differently. Stayed. Not made the unilateral decision for everyone. But he was never going to raise him into the life. Was there a happy medium? A way to teach him to shoot a gun? Defend himself? )

[acdc_rules]

Yeah. It's a good job, makes good money. I've worked worse jobs.

[He just doesn't like how it feels like people don't take him seriously, though maybe that's just the people he's choosing to pursue and not anything to do with his job.]

[cholesterol]

Yeah. Before there?

( Because of money? He's never been made of money, but he could have contributed. He doesn't know where Ben would have fit into any of it, but he would have made room.

He doubts that would have been safe and he'd become so angry over the years. Maybe it's better this is now and not then. He remembers holding Lisa and Ben at arms' length after Sam's return. They led a pretty good, fucked up year. They both accepted him. And for a time, he felt like Ben was his son. )

I'm sorry.

[acdc_rules]

Every teenager has a shitty retail job in high school.

[Nothing super out of the ordinary though.

Ben does sit with that apology for a minute though, but given that they haven't been talking about any of Dean's specific crimes against Ben, he's not exactly sure what the apology is for.]

For what part?

[cholesterol]

All of it. Ducking out. Crashing back into your life. Again.

( But, he wants to be a part of it. He knows that. He wouldn't be here, otherwise. )

[acdc_rules]

[Ben nods, because he's not sure forgiveness is on the table just yet for all the things he lost, but he's not seething with rage anymore. So that's ... something.]

Technically I called you. So that one's on me.

[cholesterol]

Look, if I'm honest, and I know you don't know what to think about me - but, I remember what I was like after Sam showed back up. I became erratic. A prison warden. There was night - ( He sets the beer aside, and faces his son proper, straight shooting. ) You know my jobs get messy. But, that night I came back and I woke you up and I - ( shoved him. ) It wasn't safe to be around me and, I got that cleared up but, even after, I kept it all away from you. Didn't explain things to your mother. ( And got his ass handed to him. ) I keep everything close to my chest, because I think it keeps people safe. past tense. Kept. I've -- learned to be a bit more of an open book. Doesn't mean I wallow in all my big feelings, but -- look, I said it before, but I said it cheap and I said it desperate. You and me. I'm not going anywhere. I won't. And even if I have to, I'm coming back. I want in. I got the crap father lottery, and like hell am I going to let you have it, too.

[acdc_rules]

[He bites back the response that he already has. He also just bites back the netural "I believe you" even though he does. It feels placating in a way he isn't trying to be.

It takes him a moment to figure out what to say, so he tries to settle on the thing he actually wants.]

Might be cool to meet your mom. I mean, I can't really fuck off and go to Kansas or whatever but, if she wanted to come here ... that could be nice.

[Is that enough of an olive branch?]

[cholesterol]

Life of a hunter's - makes it easy to pack up and go. You want it, I can make a call.

( Get some mom time in, too, which he and Sam never get enough of. They still have that chip on their shoulder, but a lot's been smoothed over now. They're all hunters. In the life. And when she can, when she's in town, she bunks it. )

I didn't know, Ben. About you. I don't think your mom did, either. I don't know what I would have done. I'm not going to lie to you. Back then, only thing I wanted was you and your mom safe. And, I made a lot of mistakes. And Sam... Everything was off the rails and I thought I was doing the best thing. I made the call.

( He's sorry.

He doesn't say he'd make the same call. He remembers life back then. Remembers their other grandfather. Shady dealings. The Cas of it all. He can't imagine any of that year, any year with a kid. How many times he was offed. The Men of Letters: London style. Mark of Cain. He would have kept Ben away from all of it.

But, maybe that's not being a father. He's gonna find out. )

You like your life?

[acdc_rules]

[He thinks about, then shrugs.]

I'm still figuring some things out. But I like my job, and I have good friends. Everything else I have time for.

[Clearly something was missing since he went looking for his paternity for no good reason, but it got this knot untied, so maybe that was worth the effort.]

[cholesterol]

Yeah, you do.

( He fights the urge to clap a hand to his shoulder. To, try and bring him in for the patented Winchester hug. )

Do you remember what I told you? When you called and cried wolf about your mom? I hightailed it there. We sat down.

[acdc_rules]

[Ben's face flickers a bit, before nodding, because yes. He does remember.]

I still stand by calling you a dick.

[cholesterol]

Well, like father. ( He said the hard things. And Lisa was kind of pushing him away at that point. And, it's fine. It's not. None of it is. He can still remember that week. Being terrified for Lisa and Ben. Not begging, but asking Balthazar. Not accepting Cas' help. It steams him up inside thinking about that time. Cas' shady shit reputation never went away, it just took on new forms. He's reminded, again, he needs to have another conversation after this.

Out of earshot of his kid. He suspects his kid likes using four letter words, too. Still doesn't need him to hear it. ) Ben, I was terrified for you and your mom. And I moved heaven and earth to find you. ( Then. He saw the fear in Ben's eyes when he exorcised his mother. When he told Ben to lock in, to hold the gun close to his shoulder, watch for kickback.

Be a man. It was the most John he'd ever been with him. Other than the shove. He wants to say he knows how hard it was. To see him like that. To go through it. But, he locked in and they saved his mom.

No. Cas saved his mom.

And nothing changed. ) It hurt. Losing you. It hurt more than you could ever know.

[acdc_rules]

[Ben glances away when he realizes that they're talking about something else entirely - not a twelve year-old boy trying to figure out if this father-figure he loved still actually gave a shit about him, but the demons that came later. The night where Dean put a gun in his hands and told him to shoot or his mother would die and he did the best he could but he can feel it all now.

Every time the rifle kicked back.

Every time the bodies just flopped down like someone cut their strings and there was nothing animating them anymore. He'd never hurt someone before, not like that, and even though he knew they were demons, they still looked like people.

Trauma never fully processed before the memories were ripped away and replaced with something else. Something not real.

And Matt ... well, he was putting a lot of effort into not liking Matt, but he didn't deserve that.

He tries to take Dean's comment for the statement that it is. Tries to push past the way it makes him feel, to the intent behind it. That it was hard for him to let them go and let them forget him when he was the only one who had been given a choice in the matter.

Now he feels like he should have taken the opportunity for the beer when he had it, but it still feels like a bad idea.]

I get what you're trying to say. But it's kind of hard to look at it as you losing us when you were the one making all the choices.