i'm leaving you my last curse

[bravebartender]

Comments

[cholesterol]

Ben!

( Nobody replies and Dean reviews the routes, even before he's told he's welcome.

Lisa listened to all of that. She gave him space, but she listened and she joins her son on the couch, taking his hand with both of hers.

"Do you want him here tomorrow?" She just asks a simple question. "It's not up to him. I still don't understand what he did or why he wanted to protect us and why it shook out like this, but, put me aside. And, I'm sorry if - that I - we can cross any bridge we want, now, but it's up to you if you want to. You can also keep talking to him. I know I for sure want to know how he took our memories of him, away."

She looks down at the phone again.

"What if he brings everything you need answering." )

[acdc_rules]

What if he just unilaterally decides to take it all away again?

[He doesn't like the idea that he's just been put on a shelf, and that he's worth knowing, worth letting in because all of the sudden they're blood related now. He doesn't like that he was able to just make Ben forget he even existed.

It's fucked up.

He also knows that they're still living in the same place Dean left them so it's not like they can do anything to stop him from coming. If he's going to come - and it seems like that's his plan - they should at least probably set some expectations or ground rules.]

Look, I didn't take that test because I was looking for a dad, alright? I was just looking for an answer. So if you come, this isn't going to be some Father Knows Best bullshit. I already have a dad.

[Even if he didn't really need Rudy by the time he and Lisa got together, he's not blind to it. And it feels comfortable to have that buffer.]

But both Mom and I want answers so ... yeah. We're still in the same place.

[cholesterol]

( "Wouldn't you rather find out why, then worry that he did. I don't condone it, and I don't understand it. And I do want to knee him where it counts for all of this. But, I don't want you hurt. So, if he hurts you. We have a problem. But, it's four against one if we want it. If you want it. Up to you."

She lets go, sliding over a bit, letting him take the wheel.

Ben's voice finally comes through again. And it stings. Hard. He can do what he can, at least. Father Knows Best bullshit. He's not his father. He left that behind. )

12 hours.

( He can't leave any platitudes. Won't. He's been the guy that doesn't want anything else. Hell, when he'd tracked down Adam Milligan, he wanted nothing to do with him. Thought it was a trap. It was.

He hangs up, turns to find Cas, and instead finds his girlfriend. His eyes try to search hers, try to sort his own thoughts. )

Caroline?

[braveandstupid]

[Elena nods, because it's true. Then she adds:]

She didn't tell me why, though. What's wrong?

[Because it's clear something's wrong. She doesn't usually try to read into Dean's feelings in the effort of encouraging him to tell her, but whatever just happened has clearly rattled him.]

[cholesterol]

I have a kid.

( There's a lot more to say, a story to tell. But, his shellshocked demeanor probably makes it clear this is news to him. But news to him affects her, right. That's what happens when you take and give half the load. You take the burden of the other half.

The timing is crazy.

Just a few weeks ago he and Elena had found her dead parents.

And Lisa and Ben were dead to him. )

[braveandstupid]

Oh my god.

[That's her first reaction, not bothered beyond the initial shock of it, but she's much more concerned about Dean than she is about her own feelings regarding it. She is grateful for Caroline giving her the heads up, rather than Dean having to go back out there and get her, but her concern is much more for Dean at the moment.]

Are you okay?

[cholesterol]

( Something he's not good at, not at all, is defining how he's feeling. He recalls their conversation about Lisa and Ben, his crash and burn at family life. He couldn't promise her everything, but he also couldn't ever rule anything out. He knows he's capable. And he's a different person now. He recognizes that.

But, he's still the same person. He finally finds her eyes, finally feels the ground underneath him.

Either Lisa lied, had a false positive (or negative), or, he doesn't know. Now he's in this. )

He thinks I didn't want him, that I had me erased from their lives. He did a DNA test. It connected to Sam and I's brother. But, they don't know or remember me. And that's on me.

[braveandstupid]

[There's a long pause as she tries to process that information, then her eyes widen as she puts it all into context. He doesn't say who it is, when the details come out, she can put the pieces together.]

It's Ben?

[At least, she hopes that's the only kid that's had Dean erased from his life.]

[cholesterol]

She told me, Elena. She said he wasn't mine, that she did a test and he was some biker's.

( Would he have made the same decision if the context was different? )

He hates me and he doesn't even know me. Is Cas still...

[braveandstupid]

Yes. My mom is feeding him leftover pie.

[So they have time. Time to actually talk about this because there's going to be a lot of feelings on Ben's part, and it's not going to be his job to manage Dean's. It's going to be her job to manage Dean's.

She pulls him over to the main table, sitting them both down in a chair so they can take a breath and talk about this.]

I don't think he hates you. I think he's probably is going to be pretty angry with you for messing with his memories, but he doesn't know you well enough to hate you.

[cholesterol]

( He nods, looking past her, then at her again. He lets her lead them, feet heavy, before she sits him and then herself down. )

I made a call. As long as they knew me, they were in danger. And -

( He doesn't say the next part. Can't. She didn't want him, anyway, not all of him. She liked him. She liked what he brought to the able. But he couldn't be everthing. He couldn;t be. )

[braveandstupid]

[Elena's head tips as she lets him get it out. There are lots of places that "and" could go, and she knows this is painful for him. So she won't push. He knows that she's been down this road - not in the same context but with the same consequences.

Jeremy still hasn't fully forgiven her for the things she took away from him. She's not sure how Ben and Lisa will feel about this either.]

Are you going to have Cas give their memories back?

[cholesterol]

If they want 'em.

( It can't be his call. )

Sam had no soul, demons went after them, they didn't need me. They were better off without me. ...I thought they were better off without me.

( He tries to say look at his mom and Charlie and Bobby, but all of them have come back. Even Jack, they saved. )

He was twelve.

[braveandstupid]

They might not feel that way.

[At least, Ben might. But these things are complicated, and she probably shouldn't get ahead of things.]

But I think if you give them a chance to try, you can figure things out. It just may take time.

[Dean can't run away from it again.]

[cholesterol]

He probably thinks everything changed because he's my kid. If they had tracked me down, had questions, I'd be there. I'd always love Ben.

( Does it make him a terrible person that Ben being a blood relative means he loves him more all of a sudden. )

Your parents and your friends are here. I'm walking out on them.

[enate]

( She pulls Ben close again, and kisses his forehead.

Dickerson leaves Rudy in the kitchen, trying to assess what happened. )

It was him. He answered. He'll be here... ( She checks her watch. ) in the morning. Just like that. ( And then she calls out ) Rudy!

[nextproject]

Yeah?

[He wasn't listening in, because he knew they would tell him when they were ready. But now that he's being summoned, he makes his way out into the living room.]

How'd it go?

[Ben shrugs as the emotions slowly start to drain out of him. "He's coming here. He'll be here in the morning."]

Is that good or bad?

[enate]

That's yet to be determined.

( She admits, bringing her knees up, resting her feet on the coffee table. )

He was here. He was in our lives. He took it away to protect us. However he did that.

( Dickerson stays leaned against a wall, not interrupting the mother-son moment. But if he could do something, he would.

"If you want an out, we still have that restoration tomorrow morning. Things get too hairy, too... much. He's on your time, not the other way around." )

[acdc_rules]

No, I actually want to look this asshole in the face.

[Because the wild roller coaster of feelings has landed on anger, and he's not sure he's going to get off that anytime soon. He's pushed off the couch at this point and is pacing some, trying to find a place for this energy.]

I want to know exactly what he did to us.

[camber]

Not to be a buzzkill, because I like the solution to a mystery as much as the next guy - but, how. How did he just eject himself.

( And then erase himself from their lives in memory only. )

He did a shit job of covering his tracks, too. Didn't incept you to move, or nothin.

[acdc_rules]

I don't know, but he admitted that he made us forget him. And then I told him that he's my sperm donor and all of the sudden it's a full one-eighty and he's coming here.

[And Ben can't help but read into that reaction. That he wasn't worthwhile before they were related and now that they are, back he comes. It makes him angry and it makes him not want this relationship at all, but he's going to try and keep a lid on that until Dean gets here and he knows how much damage is done.

(Once he does remember, he will still be angry, but there will be a different tenor. He doesn't know that yet though.)]

So I want him to look me in the eye and tell me why he thought it would be a good idea just to Eternal Sunshine himself out of our heads. And then I want to look him in the eye when I tell him to fuck off.

[camber]

You called him a 'sperm donor?'

( Way harsh, Tai.

But, team Ben and team Lisa, it's fine.

Lisa gets up from the couch, to meet Rudy in the doorway.

"If I had any more answers, I would tell you." she says, not knowing that she also has a few things to atone to if memories are ever restored. "But, if I have one piece of advice. There's always another side to every story. Just because he ... Eternal Sunshine'd himself, it doesn't mean he wanted to, or wanted to be rid of you."

Or us.

"All I'm saying is, you invited him, which I support. So, you have to hear him out. Unless your blood dial boils to an 11. You know I don't have the longest fuse, either."

He inherited that from his mother and father, apparently, not that she knows. )

[acdc_rules]

Not to his face. But right now that's what he is.

[Though he might. He doesn't know how this conversation is going to go, nor does he know how he's going to feel if he remembers again, but he knows his mom is right. He needs to take it down a few levels if he's going to actually get answers out of this conversation.

He runs a hand over his face, before nodding.]

Yeah, I know. I have twelve hours to get my shit together.

[enate]

( "As far as you know," Dickerson offers. )

Well, if this is you without your shit together, then I did something right, didn't I.

[acdc_rules]

[He flashes her a half-smile before nodding.]

You do get all the credit.

[But for now he's going to take a drive, clear his head, but in the morning he will be back for whatever this shakes out to be.]