[And suddenly he feels like he should be having his conversation anywhere but where the three pairs of eyes are currently watching him, but he also doesn't know why either.
He swallows hard before trying to figure out what he needs to actually say. What do you do, just come out with "Hey, I think you're my dad?" Would he even be receptive to that? Would he even want that?
Fuck it.
He shoots his mother an apologetic look before pushing up from the table and walking away for a little less pressure.]
[He drops onto the couch in the living room, and stares straight ahead, trying to figure out what comes next. He knows he needs to tell Dean about the DNA test. That was the point of all this. But he also can't help but ask.]
So the only thing I remember of you is you standing in that hospital, apologizing for hitting us with your car, but we've got neighbors saying that you lived with us for two years and that you showed up at my birthday when I was eight. Which is actually real?
[A pause.]
I mean, are you just the guy that hit us or were you ...
[His voice cuts off because it's a very fine line to walk.]
( If his pictures were there, any left behind documents, logs, if one of them started a search they couldn't explain...
His eyes shut, because of course neighbors still have memories. And of course there are still pictures. And documents. He thought he was keeping them safe. He thought he had no other choice, like he didn't deserve that life. And then Sam had no soul and the freaking veritas curse...
He remembers seeing them both in the hospital. His version of goodbye.
He can't gaslight them. Not anymore. He doesn't defend himself. Doesn't trip over his words. Can only give the truth without knowing how to go where next. He looks behind him to see if his mother or if Cas followed or if he's alone in this.
He settles himself into a chair using one hand to steady himself. )
[He nods slowly, taking that in. So many questions spring from that one answer, and he knows he should probably filter to the ones that cut less to the heart of the matter but there's something about this that feels like muscle memory.
Sitting on the phone, taking to someone who he doesn't want to slip through his fingers, though not really sure that's something he can control.]
So why'd you leave? Was it ...
[Because you were disappointed in your son? Did Lisa know, before this weird memory loss happen?]
Kind of. Originally. ( He sighs. ) Ben, you and your mom were in danger, because of what I do. And, it was safer for the both of you to - to forget me.
( It feels like too little too late, but it also feels... just a little good getting it off his chest. )
You don't remember me, right? But, you remember that crazy lady. And all the kids being swapped. They were changelings, Ben. And, I swung back through to see your mom not knowing she was a mom, and -- you did real good in that house under construction. You remember taking charge and leading all the kids out of there. You were so damn brave for your age.
[There's something that catches in his chest, from those patchwork memories of that night that he never could quite make sense of. Childhood trauma does a number on you, and all he could remember is being so scared. There's something that swells in his chest at the fondness of the words and he can't ...
There's a part of him that's angry too, that this person took memories of someone who had been important, because they decided it was safer for him to forget. But he's so close to answering a question he's had all his life that he can't deal with that part of it right now.
He places the phone down on the coffee table, pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes as he tries to sort through these feelings he doesn't understand, the layers of questions that he doesn't know how to peel away. But eventually he does catch his breath, leaning back into his couch.]
Look, I don't know if you already knew this and you just made me forget but the reason why we dug all this up is because I took a DNA test and we got a hit on a guy named Adam Milligan as my paternal uncle. I guess he's your brother or something? So ... if you didn't know, I guess now you do.
[It's probably not the best way he could have delivered that news, but he doesn't know how else he was going to be able to get it out.]
( During his rest, Dean has to call out, has to make sure he's still on the line. And then his voice comes through again. And he can breathe again.
Lisa approaches from the hallway, not trying to disturb her son's privacy, but because she remembers a figure from that night, too. Not a conscious one. Not a face. Someone helped. Someone was there. Someone else. And maybe Dean?
He hopes for something else, he had an explanation at the ready, more to say, but Ben wallops him. Something he used to be so damn good at. He knew just when to land a right hook verbally. The words swim in his head. Dug all this up. DNA taste. Adam Milligan (and Michael somewhere out there in the word). Paternal uncle. )
He - is. ( Was, he means to say. ) He's - Ben. ( He can hear her now. 'He's not yours. I had a fling with a biker. He's not yours.' But, he screwed himself, didn't he. He can't be made with a woman whose memories he erased. Memories of him, of -- ) She - ( He closes his eyes. ) She told me you weren't mine. I didn't - I haven't -- ( Had a test. ) You - Ben, I loved you. ( Fiercely. Like his son. ) I... ( He sinks down, leg stretching out before sitting up straighter again, clearing his throat. ) Where are you, are you and Lisa still in Battlecreek?
( He's up in an instant, a plan in place, bringing his phone down and putting Ben on speaker as he looks up how long it will take him to get there. )
[Somewhere in the bunker, vampire hearing is picking up on that juicy little reveal, but Caroline doesn't say anything. Instead, she gives Elena a meaningful look that maybe she should go check on her boyfriend.
Back on the other end of the phone, Ben doesn't know what to do there. Because yeah, they're still in the same house. The family is a little bigger, but maybe there's a part of them that knew they would need to be found again. And maybe him being here in person will ... trigger something.
He tells Ben he loves him but it doesn't ring true. It's not something he can reciprocate or even know if he wanted, not as he is.
Ben glances over at his mom, not knowing if he should be the one to make this decision.]
Hold on.
[He puts Dean on mute.]
He wants to come here. He wants to be here tomorrow, basically.
( Nobody replies and Dean reviews the routes, even before he's told he's welcome.
Lisa listened to all of that. She gave him space, but she listened and she joins her son on the couch, taking his hand with both of hers.
"Do you want him here tomorrow?" She just asks a simple question. "It's not up to him. I still don't understand what he did or why he wanted to protect us and why it shook out like this, but, put me aside. And, I'm sorry if - that I - we can cross any bridge we want, now, but it's up to you if you want to. You can also keep talking to him. I know I for sure want to know how he took our memories of him, away."
She looks down at the phone again.
"What if he brings everything you need answering.")
What if he just unilaterally decides to take it all away again?
[He doesn't like the idea that he's just been put on a shelf, and that he's worth knowing, worth letting in because all of the sudden they're blood related now. He doesn't like that he was able to just make Ben forget he even existed.
It's fucked up.
He also knows that they're still living in the same place Dean left them so it's not like they can do anything to stop him from coming. If he's going to come - and it seems like that's his plan - they should at least probably set some expectations or ground rules.]
Look, I didn't take that test because I was looking for a dad, alright? I was just looking for an answer. So if you come, this isn't going to be some Father Knows Best bullshit. I already have a dad.
[Even if he didn't really need Rudy by the time he and Lisa got together, he's not blind to it. And it feels comfortable to have that buffer.]
But both Mom and I want answers so ... yeah. We're still in the same place.
("Wouldn't you rather find out why, then worry that he did. I don't condone it, and I don't understand it. And I do want to knee him where it counts for all of this. But, I don't want you hurt. So, if he hurts you. We have a problem. But, it's four against one if we want it. If you want it. Up to you."
She lets go, sliding over a bit, letting him take the wheel.
Ben's voice finally comes through again. And it stings. Hard. He can do what he can, at least. Father Knows Best bullshit. He's not his father. He left that behind. )
12 hours.
( He can't leave any platitudes. Won't. He's been the guy that doesn't want anything else. Hell, when he'd tracked down Adam Milligan, he wanted nothing to do with him. Thought it was a trap. It was.
He hangs up, turns to find Cas, and instead finds his girlfriend. His eyes try to search hers, try to sort his own thoughts. )
[Because it's clear something's wrong. She doesn't usually try to read into Dean's feelings in the effort of encouraging him to tell her, but whatever just happened has clearly rattled him.]
( There's a lot more to say, a story to tell. But, his shellshocked demeanor probably makes it clear this is news to him. But news to him affects her, right. That's what happens when you take and give half the load. You take the burden of the other half.
The timing is crazy.
Just a few weeks ago he and Elena had found her dead parents.
[That's her first reaction, not bothered beyond the initial shock of it, but she's much more concerned about Dean than she is about her own feelings regarding it. She is grateful for Caroline giving her the heads up, rather than Dean having to go back out there and get her, but her concern is much more for Dean at the moment.]
( Something he's not good at, not at all, is defining how he's feeling. He recalls their conversation about Lisa and Ben, his crash and burn at family life. He couldn't promise her everything, but he also couldn't ever rule anything out. He knows he's capable. And he's a different person now. He recognizes that.
But, he's still the same person. He finally finds her eyes, finally feels the ground underneath him.
Either Lisa lied, had a false positive (or negative), or, he doesn't know. Now he's in this. )
He thinks I didn't want him, that I had me erased from their lives. He did a DNA test. It connected to Sam and I's brother. But, they don't know or remember me. And that's on me.
[There's a long pause as she tries to process that information, then her eyes widen as she puts it all into context. He doesn't say who it is, when the details come out, she can put the pieces together.]
It's Ben?
[At least, she hopes that's the only kid that's had Dean erased from his life.]
[He wasn't listening in, because he knew they would tell him when they were ready. But now that he's being summoned, he makes his way out into the living room.]
How'd it go?
[Ben shrugs as the emotions slowly start to drain out of him. "He's coming here. He'll be here in the morning."]
( She admits, bringing her knees up, resting her feet on the coffee table. )
He was here. He was in our lives. He took it away to protect us. However he did that.
( Dickerson stays leaned against a wall, not interrupting the mother-son moment. But if he could do something, he would.
"If you want an out, we still have that restoration tomorrow morning. Things get too hairy, too... much. He's on your time, not the other way around.")
No, I actually want to look this asshole in the face.
[Because the wild roller coaster of feelings has landed on anger, and he's not sure he's going to get off that anytime soon. He's pushed off the couch at this point and is pacing some, trying to find a place for this energy.]
I don't know, but he admitted that he made us forget him. And then I told him that he's my sperm donor and all of the sudden it's a full one-eighty and he's coming here.
[And Ben can't help but read into that reaction. That he wasn't worthwhile before they were related and now that they are, back he comes. It makes him angry and it makes him not want this relationship at all, but he's going to try and keep a lid on that until Dean gets here and he knows how much damage is done.
(Once he does remember, he will still be angry, but there will be a different tenor. He doesn't know that yet though.)]
So I want him to look me in the eye and tell me why he thought it would be a good idea just to Eternal Sunshine himself out of our heads. And then I want to look him in the eye when I tell him to fuck off.
Lisa gets up from the couch, to meet Rudy in the doorway.
"If I had any more answers, I would tell you." she says, not knowing that she also has a few things to atone to if memories are ever restored. "But, if I have one piece of advice. There's always another side to every story. Just because he ... Eternal Sunshine'd himself, it doesn't mean he wanted to, or wanted to be rid of you."
Or us.
"All I'm saying is, you invited him, which I support. So, you have to hear him out. Unless your blood dial boils to an 11. You know I don't have the longest fuse, either."
He inherited that from his mother and father, apparently, not that she knows. )
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everyonelives2025-03-12 08:39 pm
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[And suddenly he feels like he should be having his conversation anywhere but where the three pairs of eyes are currently watching him, but he also doesn't know why either.
He swallows hard before trying to figure out what he needs to actually say. What do you do, just come out with "Hey, I think you're my dad?" Would he even be receptive to that? Would he even want that?
Fuck it.
He shoots his mother an apologetic look before pushing up from the table and walking away for a little less pressure.]
Thanks for calling back. This is Dean, right?
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Dean feels inadequate all over again. Just good enough and then somehow he'll also never be.
He doesn't move, doesn't pace, just looks up at a patch of ceiling that needs to be redone. Has that wet stain always been there? )
Yeah, this is Dean. I heard your mom was looking for me.
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[He drops onto the couch in the living room, and stares straight ahead, trying to figure out what comes next. He knows he needs to tell Dean about the DNA test. That was the point of all this. But he also can't help but ask.]
So the only thing I remember of you is you standing in that hospital, apologizing for hitting us with your car, but we've got neighbors saying that you lived with us for two years and that you showed up at my birthday when I was eight. Which is actually real?
[A pause.]
I mean, are you just the guy that hit us or were you ...
[His voice cuts off because it's a very fine line to walk.]
... Were you actually here?
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( If his pictures were there, any left behind documents, logs, if one of them started a search they couldn't explain...
His eyes shut, because of course neighbors still have memories. And of course there are still pictures. And documents. He thought he was keeping them safe. He thought he had no other choice, like he didn't deserve that life. And then Sam had no soul and the freaking veritas curse...
He remembers seeing them both in the hospital. His version of goodbye.
He can't gaslight them. Not anymore. He doesn't defend himself. Doesn't trip over his words. Can only give the truth without knowing how to go where next. He looks behind him to see if his mother or if Cas followed or if he's alone in this.
He settles himself into a chair using one hand to steady himself. )
I was there.
( Actually. )
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Sitting on the phone, taking to someone who he doesn't want to slip through his fingers, though not really sure that's something he can control.]
So why'd you leave? Was it ...
[Because you were disappointed in your son? Did Lisa know, before this weird memory loss happen?]
... Did you and my mom break up or something?
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( It feels like too little too late, but it also feels... just a little good getting it off his chest. )
You don't remember me, right? But, you remember that crazy lady. And all the kids being swapped. They were changelings, Ben. And, I swung back through to see your mom not knowing she was a mom, and -- you did real good in that house under construction. You remember taking charge and leading all the kids out of there. You were so damn brave for your age.
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There's a part of him that's angry too, that this person took memories of someone who had been important, because they decided it was safer for him to forget. But he's so close to answering a question he's had all his life that he can't deal with that part of it right now.
He places the phone down on the coffee table, pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes as he tries to sort through these feelings he doesn't understand, the layers of questions that he doesn't know how to peel away. But eventually he does catch his breath, leaning back into his couch.]
Look, I don't know if you already knew this and you just made me forget but the reason why we dug all this up is because I took a DNA test and we got a hit on a guy named Adam Milligan as my paternal uncle. I guess he's your brother or something? So ... if you didn't know, I guess now you do.
[It's probably not the best way he could have delivered that news, but he doesn't know how else he was going to be able to get it out.]
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( During his rest, Dean has to call out, has to make sure he's still on the line. And then his voice comes through again. And he can breathe again.
Lisa approaches from the hallway, not trying to disturb her son's privacy, but because she remembers a figure from that night, too. Not a conscious one. Not a face. Someone helped. Someone was there. Someone else. And maybe Dean?
He hopes for something else, he had an explanation at the ready, more to say, but Ben wallops him. Something he used to be so damn good at. He knew just when to land a right hook verbally. The words swim in his head. Dug all this up. DNA taste. Adam Milligan (and Michael somewhere out there in the word). Paternal uncle. )
He - is. ( Was, he means to say. ) He's - Ben. ( He can hear her now. 'He's not yours. I had a fling with a biker. He's not yours.' But, he screwed himself, didn't he. He can't be made with a woman whose memories he erased. Memories of him, of -- ) She - ( He closes his eyes. ) She told me you weren't mine. I didn't - I haven't -- ( Had a test. ) You - Ben, I loved you. ( Fiercely. Like his son. ) I... ( He sinks down, leg stretching out before sitting up straighter again, clearing his throat. ) Where are you, are you and Lisa still in Battlecreek?
( He's up in an instant, a plan in place, bringing his phone down and putting Ben on speaker as he looks up how long it will take him to get there. )
I can be there in 12 hours.
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Back on the other end of the phone, Ben doesn't know what to do there. Because yeah, they're still in the same house. The family is a little bigger, but maybe there's a part of them that knew they would need to be found again. And maybe him being here in person will ... trigger something.
He tells Ben he loves him but it doesn't ring true. It's not something he can reciprocate or even know if he wanted, not as he is.
Ben glances over at his mom, not knowing if he should be the one to make this decision.]
Hold on.
[He puts Dean on mute.]
He wants to come here. He wants to be here tomorrow, basically.
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( Nobody replies and Dean reviews the routes, even before he's told he's welcome.
Lisa listened to all of that. She gave him space, but she listened and she joins her son on the couch, taking his hand with both of hers.
"Do you want him here tomorrow?" She just asks a simple question. "It's not up to him. I still don't understand what he did or why he wanted to protect us and why it shook out like this, but, put me aside. And, I'm sorry if - that I - we can cross any bridge we want, now, but it's up to you if you want to. You can also keep talking to him. I know I for sure want to know how he took our memories of him, away."
She looks down at the phone again.
"What if he brings everything you need answering." )
no subject
[He doesn't like the idea that he's just been put on a shelf, and that he's worth knowing, worth letting in because all of the sudden they're blood related now. He doesn't like that he was able to just make Ben forget he even existed.
It's fucked up.
He also knows that they're still living in the same place Dean left them so it's not like they can do anything to stop him from coming. If he's going to come - and it seems like that's his plan - they should at least probably set some expectations or ground rules.]
Look, I didn't take that test because I was looking for a dad, alright? I was just looking for an answer. So if you come, this isn't going to be some Father Knows Best bullshit. I already have a dad.
[Even if he didn't really need Rudy by the time he and Lisa got together, he's not blind to it. And it feels comfortable to have that buffer.]
But both Mom and I want answers so ... yeah. We're still in the same place.
no subject
She lets go, sliding over a bit, letting him take the wheel.
Ben's voice finally comes through again. And it stings. Hard. He can do what he can, at least. Father Knows Best bullshit. He's not his father. He left that behind. )
12 hours.
( He can't leave any platitudes. Won't. He's been the guy that doesn't want anything else. Hell, when he'd tracked down Adam Milligan, he wanted nothing to do with him. Thought it was a trap. It was.
He hangs up, turns to find Cas, and instead finds his girlfriend. His eyes try to search hers, try to sort his own thoughts. )
Caroline?
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She didn't tell me why, though. What's wrong?
[Because it's clear something's wrong. She doesn't usually try to read into Dean's feelings in the effort of encouraging him to tell her, but whatever just happened has clearly rattled him.]
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( There's a lot more to say, a story to tell. But, his shellshocked demeanor probably makes it clear this is news to him. But news to him affects her, right. That's what happens when you take and give half the load. You take the burden of the other half.
The timing is crazy.
Just a few weeks ago he and Elena had found her dead parents.
And Lisa and Ben were dead to him. )
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[That's her first reaction, not bothered beyond the initial shock of it, but she's much more concerned about Dean than she is about her own feelings regarding it. She is grateful for Caroline giving her the heads up, rather than Dean having to go back out there and get her, but her concern is much more for Dean at the moment.]
Are you okay?
no subject
But, he's still the same person. He finally finds her eyes, finally feels the ground underneath him.
Either Lisa lied, had a false positive (or negative), or, he doesn't know. Now he's in this. )
He thinks I didn't want him, that I had me erased from their lives. He did a DNA test. It connected to Sam and I's brother. But, they don't know or remember me. And that's on me.
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It's Ben?
[At least, she hopes that's the only kid that's had Dean erased from his life.]
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( Would he have made the same decision if the context was different? )
He hates me and he doesn't even know me. Is Cas still...
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Dickerson leaves Rudy in the kitchen, trying to assess what happened. )
It was him. He answered. He'll be here... ( She checks her watch. ) in the morning. Just like that. ( And then she calls out ) Rudy!
no subject
[He wasn't listening in, because he knew they would tell him when they were ready. But now that he's being summoned, he makes his way out into the living room.]
How'd it go?
[Ben shrugs as the emotions slowly start to drain out of him. "He's coming here. He'll be here in the morning."]
Is that good or bad?
no subject
( She admits, bringing her knees up, resting her feet on the coffee table. )
He was here. He was in our lives. He took it away to protect us. However he did that.
( Dickerson stays leaned against a wall, not interrupting the mother-son moment. But if he could do something, he would.
"If you want an out, we still have that restoration tomorrow morning. Things get too hairy, too... much. He's on your time, not the other way around." )
no subject
[Because the wild roller coaster of feelings has landed on anger, and he's not sure he's going to get off that anytime soon. He's pushed off the couch at this point and is pacing some, trying to find a place for this energy.]
I want to know exactly what he did to us.
no subject
( And then erase himself from their lives in memory only. )
He did a shit job of covering his tracks, too. Didn't incept you to move, or nothin.
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[And Ben can't help but read into that reaction. That he wasn't worthwhile before they were related and now that they are, back he comes. It makes him angry and it makes him not want this relationship at all, but he's going to try and keep a lid on that until Dean gets here and he knows how much damage is done.
(Once he does remember, he will still be angry, but there will be a different tenor. He doesn't know that yet though.)]
So I want him to look me in the eye and tell me why he thought it would be a good idea just to Eternal Sunshine himself out of our heads. And then I want to look him in the eye when I tell him to fuck off.
no subject
( Way harsh, Tai.
But, team Ben and team Lisa, it's fine.
Lisa gets up from the couch, to meet Rudy in the doorway.
"If I had any more answers, I would tell you." she says, not knowing that she also has a few things to atone to if memories are ever restored. "But, if I have one piece of advice. There's always another side to every story. Just because he ... Eternal Sunshine'd himself, it doesn't mean he wanted to, or wanted to be rid of you."
Or us.
"All I'm saying is, you invited him, which I support. So, you have to hear him out. Unless your blood dial boils to an 11. You know I don't have the longest fuse, either."
He inherited that from his mother and father, apparently, not that she knows. )
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